Porn.

(Apologies for the title. It was……on my mind….)

So what if I didn’t “Black Friday the bitch out of shopping”*? Last week was the best week ever! I was nominated for four awards. FOUR. I get so excited when a blogger nominates me for one award, I’m nearly dizzy with happiness right now!

Okay, deep breath:

Storkhunter nominated me for the Liebster award, which Alice said means ‘dearest’ (aw) and has nothing to do with Nazis (probably for the best),  Alice also nominated me for the Liebster award AND the Brilliant Blog Award because I blew the minds of Sad Pony and Squirrel simultaneously – without the use of food – and we are now in lurve, AND SageDoyle nominated me for the Blog of the Year 2012 Award!

So now the rules. I’m going to combine all the rules and write everything together. Cause I’m a badass, and I don’t follow rules.

Badass

Rules:

1. Write an acceptance speech, linking back to the person who gave it to you.
2. Write 7 things you believe in.
3. Answer your nominator’s 11 questions
4. Give the award to as many blogs as you would like to share the love (lurve)

Acceptance speech:

I’d like to thank Sad Pony and Squirrel for being so supporting of me and constantly reminding me that human-(imaginary)animal love is not weird, without them I might have never been in a threesome. I’d like to thank Storkhunter, who has made me feel extremely empowered and proud to be part of Team Vagina! Alice at Wonderland who is hilarious like crazy, and without whom I would’ve never met my imaginary animal loves. SageDoyle who writes beautiful poetry and stories so believable I almost thought her character Grimm Wall was a real person. Thank you guys so much!
I’d also like to thank my neighbor’s rats for not chewing up the internet cables again.

 7 things I believe in:

Evolution, Google, Ryan Gosling, PMS, the thesaurus, sugar, fluffy pillows.

7 things I do not believe in (this is not part of the rules, but like I said, I’m a badass):

Doomsday, arial typeface, male PMS, fruit-flavored cake, Justin Bieber, video tapes, Kim Kardashian’s butt.

Nominator’s 11 questions:

1. What is the square root of 473?
   I’m sorry, my doctor has given me strict instructions not to attempt math problems or my head might explode from the strain.
2. Do you make sure that you wear correct day of the week underwear?  Since I saw When Harry Met Sally I steer clear from days of the week underwear for fear that my boyfriend might dump me for not wearing Sunday. WHY don’t they make Sunday?
3. If today will be tomorrow’s yesterday and today’s tomorrow, when’s tomorrow?   The zombie apocalypse, I’m sure of it.
4. What’s in your fridge right now?  An emptying bottle of honey mustard barbeque sauce, a jar of pizza sauce, a cut up pineapple, fudge brownie and caramel ice cream, passion fruit soda, lettuce leaves: the recipe for the world’s best sandwich.
5. Shirts – hang up or fold?  Hung up. I’m too lazy to fold.  I admire people who fold. They’re my heroes!
6. Does it piss you off when people spell your name wrong? Nah. I’ve gotten used to it. Nobody can spell my name. I’m actually surprised when they do spell it right. Of course then there are tears and I get so excited that I try to go in for a hug. For some reason this freaks people out. Especially when I’m visiting the doctor. They try to make me take those tests to see if I’m crazy enough to qualify for medication. (not yet, in case you were wondering)
7.  What music are you listening to right now? I’m asking this because I’m fed up of the tunes on my ipod. Need some good recommendations.  I hate myself for this, but Justin Beiber’s Boyfriend is stuck in my head. I think if I play it enough times it’ll go away and I may live the rest of my life peacefully.
8. Pet names – love ‘em or hate ‘em? (I mean baby, sweetie, honey not Buster, Rover, Fluffles).  As long as it’s coming from a good place and it’s not Barbeque Buns.
9. Blogging in bed. Do you?  Oooooooh, yeeees! YES. YESSS! YEEESSSS!!
10. Planes, trains or automobiles?  Is Ryan Gosling sitting next to me? I’ll get on anything!
11. How much do you hate me right now?  I don’t hate you, I think you’re the best! You gave me blog bling! This makes you one of my favorite people! I think it’s possible I might even lurve you. Unless that makes you uncomfortable in which case I guess we could take this relationship a little slower. Although I don’t see why you wouldn’t want to be in a foursome with Sad Pony, Squirrel, and a crazy girl with two faulty eyes and a mustache. I mean, isn’t that the dream? I’ll even fold my clothes if you want.

Nominees:

You get all the awards. All four of them and this one that I made:

Oh yeah, Blog Bling!

• 25ToFly - Two words: Long Johns.
• Alice At Wonderland - because she loves Blog Bling! And she already won the Liebster award twice, why not another two?
• Jillian - her birthdays make me jealous. And she put the Team Vagina mascot on her blog, so she’s awesome!
• Life With The Top Down - Lisa wore disco hair for the Thanksgiving parade she was in. Disco Hair!
• SageDoyle - I’ve never read a poem about garlic that could be so perfect.
• Storkhunting - Anyone who can publicly introduce people to their sparkly wand is a winner in my book.
• You’ve Been Hooked - yes I have.

You should check out their blogs, I don’t give Blog Bling out to just anyone.

*a friend of mine says this every year and never wakes up in time to actually Black Friday the bitch out of anything.