After a long weekend of spending too much time with too many women I feel like screaming my lungs out.
10 things women say that make me want to scratch my eyes out:
- “Does this make my butt/arms/calves look to big” Yes, yes it does. Please change, your enormous calves make my eyes bleed.
- “Like OMG!” Stop using acronyms while talking. Is it really that much more difficult for you to say the whole thing?
- “and then he said…..and she said….” Tell me more! I am so curious to know exactly what she said, how she said it, and the exact tone she used while saying it! Kidding, I don’t even slightly care.
- “Can you see my nipples through this?” Yes. Please change, your nipples make my eyes bleed.
- “He left the toilet seat up again!” And you are telling me about that again. Just put it back down. I trust that you can handle this.
- “I need a picture of this!” Put the stupid camera away! I do not want to duckface with you. People don’t need or want to know about your amazing dinner/hotel/experimental makeout session with your girlfriends. Scratch that, go right ahead with the last one.
- “Oh, look at the cute widdle baby! I could just eat you up! Yesshh I could!” You could get arrested for that you know. And threatening to eat him up is just going to add more therapy time in the kid’s future.
- (while looking at another woman on the street) “Ugh. What a slut.” You are wearing the same exact thing.
- “I read in Cosmo….” La la la la…….I can’t hear you anymore!
- “Do I look like a slut in this?” Yes. “Like a good slut, or a bad slut?” Save me from this torture!