Life and Other Funny Things

Estrogen overload

After a long weekend of spending too much time with too many women I feel like screaming my lungs out.

Screaming woman

Why are you doing this to me? I am one of you!

10 things women say that make me want to scratch my eyes out:

  1. Does this make my butt/arms/calves look to big” Yes, yes it does. Please change, your enormous calves make my eyes bleed.
  2. Like OMG!” Stop using acronyms while talking. Is it really that much more difficult for you to say the whole thing?
  3.  “and then he said…..and she said….” Tell me more! I am so curious to know exactly what she said, how she said it, and the exact tone she used while saying it! Kidding, I don’t even slightly care.
  4. Can you see my nipples through this?” Yes. Please change, your nipples make my eyes bleed.
  5. He left the toilet seat up again!” And you are telling me about that againJust put it back down. I trust that you can handle this.
  6. I need a picture of this!” Put the stupid camera away! I do not want to duckface with you. People don’t need or want to know about your amazing dinner/hotel/experimental makeout session with your girlfriends. Scratch that, go right ahead with the last one.
  7. Oh, look at the cute widdle baby! I could just eat you up! Yesshh I could!” You could get arrested for that you know. And threatening to eat him up is just going to add more therapy time in the kid’s future.
  8. (while looking at another woman on the street) “Ugh. What a slut.” You are wearing the same exact thing.
  9. I read in Cosmo….” La la la la…….I can’t hear you anymore!
  10. Do I look like a slut in this?” Yes. “Like a good slut, or a bad slut?” Save me from this torture!

74 thoughts on “Estrogen overload

  1. Haaaa, this post made me pee a little. I also hate “and she was like, then I was like..like like like!” A friend of mine says LOL outloud aswell as actually laughing out loud, I pray she is doing this ironically or I may have to disown her. Thanks for a good read!

  2. OMG! I know someone, who is, like, all of these people in, like, one! Everytime she’s like: “does this make my ass look fat?” and then i’m like: “yes”. And she’s all like: “slut!” and i’m like: “what? I’m married, how am i a slut” .. Well, you get the point.

  3. First of all, there is no such thing as a bad slut. Second, I agree that talking in text speech is idiotic. It’s like trying speek with semicolons and parentheticals.

  4. Oh, no, this reminds me of when I was an elementary education major. (I know, right? I would have been awesome with small children). Anyway, the girls I was with were dumber than rocks. They didn’t read anything beyond The Very Hungry Caterpillar. One thought purple chalk was made from purple rocks. Another thought a mallet was another word for a sword. I wanted to show her what it really was.

    I actually went to a different floor most of the time to use the restroom just to avoid them and their inane chattering. OMG!!! And yes, all these gals are probably out teaching children now. Yay.

  5. OMG, that is like totes the most hilariest post in the world evah!!! You know, basically, it has everything. It is so, like, you know, funny.
    Oh yes and what is it with the picture people? I don’t like having pictures of myself on my phone, never mind a bunch of random idiots.
    But of you dear wifey, I’ll have one anytime :)

  6. I’ve been my mom’s gym buddy for the last couple months, so now I’m the bitch who walks out in the dressing room saying, “How GREAT does this make me look?!” when all the girls are feeling bad ;) hahaha

  7. #10 made my Tuesday!
    Great work! Sorry about the female overload…
    You need to get back in touch with your “inner guy”, watch a manly movie and grab your crotch a lot….

    • My inner guy is back! He’s kicked my inner goddess out and now we’re watching a wild west movie with a lots of blood and people shooting at each other for no reason. The crotch grabbing is also helping a lot :D

  8. I have never had another woman ask me if something made her look like a slut; I trust most adult women to know when they look slutty. Teenagers, on the other hand. . . I often have to stop myself from asking girls if their mothers know they’re dressed like hookers.

    • I was asked that at least thrice over the weekend. One of them explained to me that there is a good kind of slut and a bad one, she wanted to look like a good kind of slut “Like OMG, duh”
      Sometimes I want to ask the mothers how they feel about their daughters dressing like hookers, some days I think they’re completely okay with it

  9. Numbers eight, nine, and ten are especially hilarious. And by hilarious I mean thank goodness women don’t say those things to me (usually)! And by an exclamation point I mean that my face has not changed expressions at all. I only emote as a joke while typing. Most of the time I am just stuck with a “Blue Steel” face…

  10. Thank you. I just realized why I prefer the corner with the guys in lieu of the corner with the girls. And why do all of my favorite guy friends choose these women? Then I have to suddenly stop talking to the guys because 1)if we hang out, they are going to bring her with and 2)they are also the psycho murderous type who will kill you if you talk to their boyfriend.

  11. Tell me about it !(especially OMG almost makes me headslam someone :D)Being a female am just sorry to say women like these are real drama queens.Great post by the way.

  12. Hi there. Late to the party, sorry. Your blog rocks. The first time a coworker of mine said Oh Em Gee, the words What The Fuck escaped from my mouth.

  13. Oh please, I’ve got enough of duckface photos that are meant for the “snappers” to brag about how they had that AMAZING cocktail at that AMAZING club where people were oh-so-cool. Sometimes, I wish all the smartphones could deflagrate simultaneously.

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