After a long weekend of spending too much time with too many women I feel like screaming my lungs out.
Why are you doing this to me? I am one of you!
10 things women say that make me want to scratch my eyes out:
- “Does this make my butt/arms/calves look to big” Yes, yes it does. Please change, your enormous calves make my eyes bleed.
- “Like OMG!” Stop using acronyms while talking. Is it really that much more difficult for you to say the whole thing?
- “and then he said…..and she said….” Tell me more! I am so curious to know exactly what she said, how she said it, and the exact tone she used while saying it! Kidding, I don’t even slightly care.
- “Can you see my nipples through this?” Yes. Please change, your nipples make my eyes bleed.
- “He left the toilet seat up again!” And you are telling me about that again. Just put it back down. I trust that you can handle this.
- “I need a picture of this!” Put the stupid camera away! I do not want to duckface with you. People don’t need or want to know about your amazing dinner/hotel/experimental makeout session with your girlfriends. Scratch that, go right ahead with the last one.
- “Oh, look at the cute widdle baby! I could just eat you up! Yesshh I could!” You could get arrested for that you know. And threatening to eat him up is just going to add more therapy time in the kid’s future.
- (while looking at another woman on the street) “Ugh. What a slut.” You are wearing the same exact thing.
- “I read in Cosmo….” La la la la…….I can’t hear you anymore!
- “Do I look like a slut in this?” Yes. “Like a good slut, or a bad slut?” Save me from this torture!
I have a friend, who is all the above. I have now limited our get together’s as she does my bloody head in
She’s nice but has a personality sub bordering plankton level..LOL have a great week 
xx00xx
Mollie and Alfie
Not nice, plankton are people too.
You’re right. We’re sorry. Like OMG.
Butt out, wasn’t talking to you
OMG you didn’t just say that.
Haha! I understand that. There’s only so much you can take at a time! I’ve decided to keep meetings with the friends in the post no longer than two hours. Too long, do you think?
Depends on how many drinks you have had lol If like me, you don’t drink alcohol, well now and again, I would say two ours is acceptable. Shut up Leo, I don’t want no remarks from you..:)
Hahaha, a good slut or a bad slut could be a whole post on its own.
Haha! Yes! This is a good idea. But you’d have to make sure I don’t try to kill myself first.
Haaaa, this post made me pee a little. I also hate “and she was like, then I was like..like like like!” A friend of mine says LOL outloud aswell as actually laughing out loud, I pray she is doing this ironically or I may have to disown her. Thanks for a good read!
I hope with everything I have that all the LOL girls are doing it ironically. They simply can’t be serious! They just can’t!
Do I look like a slut in this?
Yeah, like the slut you pointed before.
Exactly. It’s like you’re standing in front of a mirror.
OMG! I know someone, who is, like, all of these people in, like, one! Everytime she’s like: “does this make my ass look fat?” and then i’m like: “yes”. And she’s all like: “slut!” and i’m like: “what? I’m married, how am i a slut” .. Well, you get the point.
OMG! Like, no way! She’s, like, such a slut for calling you a slut. Like, what’s her problem riiiiight ?! Like, OMG!
It’s so refreshing that there are women out there who are as annoyed by this as men are. You are my hero.
And I apologize to you men for the torture you must endure from our kind. Most of the time I wave some lip gloss in their faces and they immediately change the subject. What do you do?
Ignore them.
See now why didn’t I think of that?
Because its simplicity eluded you?
Must be all the estrogen.
Curse it!
‘You could get arrested for that you know…’ — hehehe! I think of this often when I say things like this to babies!
Why do they want to eat them up?! WHY? I do not understand this. Not once have I ever felt like eating a baby. What’s worse is when the eating up follows a “do you want some candy?”, where are the cops?!
You’ve never had baby pie?? Quite the delicacy.
Having the day from hell. This just made me laugh and you my new BFF! (hahaha, sorry, just had to!)
BFF is good with me!
Sorry about your day from hell, hope it gets better bestie
Haha… welcome to my childhood (I have three sisters and many female relatives). I am guilty of taking too many pictures of inane crap though!
Three sisters? That’s three times as many “Does my butt look big in this”! Oh no! I don’t think I could handle that. You are my hero.
Thank you. I’m obviously quite damaged from my experiences but I haven’t let it make me bitter about women not related to me at all
First of all, there is no such thing as a bad slut. Second, I agree that talking in text speech is idiotic. It’s like trying speek with semicolons and parentheticals.
Semicolons and parentheticals are like my morse code…
You know it
Which means you can only talk to guys in the navy or Boy Scouts.
Guys in the navy are very nice…
That would explain my affinity for navy men then…
I need to try that sometime. Parenthesis this feels so wrong Parenthesis. Um, nevermind.
I would shake my head and say, “OMG.”
a grand list indeed…. I feel your pain. Too much estrogen is a dangerous situation
It can get quite toxic, like, OMG!
Oh, no, this reminds me of when I was an elementary education major. (I know, right? I would have been awesome with small children). Anyway, the girls I was with were dumber than rocks. They didn’t read anything beyond The Very Hungry Caterpillar. One thought purple chalk was made from purple rocks. Another thought a mallet was another word for a sword. I wanted to show her what it really was.
I actually went to a different floor most of the time to use the restroom just to avoid them and their inane chattering. OMG!!! And yes, all these gals are probably out teaching children now. Yay.
No! The horror ! All those poor innocent children. I weep for them. Like, OMG!
It’s a miracle you got out alive and had enough strength to tell us all of this horror. Talking in “text” pretty much takes me right to the edge.
I didn’t think I’d make it. There was a point where I was driving and the one next to me was “and then he said….like OMG, riiight?” and it was everything I could do to not drive off the road and kill us all.
I wonder if they know how lucky they are to still be here…hmm, they would be all “Like Omg, like you just drove us off the road!
Haha!
This is why liquor was invented
I love liquor.
You may need therapy….
Know any good doctors?
Is therapy the name of a new scotch?
OMG, that is like totes the most hilariest post in the world evah!!! You know, basically, it has everything. It is so, like, you know, funny.
Oh yes and what is it with the picture people? I don’t like having pictures of myself on my phone, never mind a bunch of random idiots.
But of you dear wifey, I’ll have one anytime
Like OMG, wifey! I totes love you! For, like, reals. *muah* *muah* *duckface*
I’ve been my mom’s gym buddy for the last couple months, so now I’m the bitch who walks out in the dressing room saying, “How GREAT does this make me look?!” when all the girls are feeling bad
hahaha
hahaha! I don’t usually say ‘you go girl’, but it feels like a you go girl moment.
You GO girl!
#10 made my Tuesday!
Great work! Sorry about the female overload…
You need to get back in touch with your “inner guy”, watch a manly movie and grab your crotch a lot….
My inner guy is back! He’s kicked my inner goddess out and now we’re watching a wild west movie with a lots of blood and people shooting at each other for no reason. The crotch grabbing is also helping a lot
I have never had another woman ask me if something made her look like a slut; I trust most adult women to know when they look slutty. Teenagers, on the other hand. . . I often have to stop myself from asking girls if their mothers know they’re dressed like hookers.
I was asked that at least thrice over the weekend. One of them explained to me that there is a good kind of slut and a bad one, she wanted to look like a good kind of slut “Like OMG, duh”
Sometimes I want to ask the mothers how they feel about their daughters dressing like hookers, some days I think they’re completely okay with it
Numbers eight, nine, and ten are especially hilarious. And by hilarious I mean thank goodness women don’t say those things to me (usually)! And by an exclamation point I mean that my face has not changed expressions at all. I only emote as a joke while typing. Most of the time I am just stuck with a “Blue Steel” face…
Haha! You too huh?
It’s that or Le Tigre.
Picture time everybody! Ready? Duckface in 3…2…1
…OMG it turned out hull–arious!
: |
Like OMG! Totes perfect! Uploading to FB now!
kill me.
Thank you. I just realized why I prefer the corner with the guys in lieu of the corner with the girls. And why do all of my favorite guy friends choose these women? Then I have to suddenly stop talking to the guys because 1)if we hang out, they are going to bring her with and 2)they are also the psycho murderous type who will kill you if you talk to their boyfriend.
#2 is terrifying by itself. Oh and 3) because she’ll drag you to the ladies room to hound out information like who he dated before, and whether or not you dated him so that she can go back to #2.
Hahaha! I will pee my pants before I go to the bathroom with another woman!!!! I’m sure they think I have a 5-gallon bladder!
Tell me about it !(especially OMG almost makes me headslam someone
)Being a female am just sorry to say women like these are real drama queens.Great post by the way.
You and I should go headslaming together! I’ll bring helmets!
Thanks
And boulders! xD
Hi there. Late to the party, sorry. Your blog rocks. The first time a coworker of mine said Oh Em Gee, the words What The Fuck escaped from my mouth.
Hi! I’ve seen you around Stuph Blog so many times, we finally meet!
The only appropriate response to OMG! is What The Fuck and nothing else, you’ve got it right
Oh please, I’ve got enough of duckface photos that are meant for the “snappers” to brag about how they had that AMAZING cocktail at that AMAZING club where people were oh-so-cool. Sometimes, I wish all the smartphones could deflagrate simultaneously.
Haha! Sometimes I wish we had apps installed in our phones would understand duck faces and then refuse to take the picture “Error: Duck face recognized.”