When you see the words ‘Produced by Tom Cruise’ you just know that everything that happens after that will end badly and that it is entirely your fault because YOU bought the ticket because YOU wanted to sit in those stupid reclining chairs. So I’m really the only one to blame. And my Pregnancy Fetish Friend, because she saw a pregnant woman buy a ticket, and simply had to follow her in.
I do not watch movies with Tom Cruise in them. Ever. Pregnancy Fetish Friend dragged me to Jack Reacher because he’s “so cute!”(and also “Oh my God! Look she’s pregnant!” *runs after mommy-to-be*)
So what happened? Well, I’m not sure exactly. I fell asleep in the reclining chair (What? It went ALL the way back!). But I did have the good fortune of staying awake for these very well thought out punch lines:
Girl: I’m Sandy
Tom Cruise: So was I, last week. At a beach in Florida.
Girl (talking about her brothers beating him up): I don’t mind the sight of blood
Tom Cruise: Well that means you’re not pregnant
Man: Hey man… that’s my sister you’re talking about!
Tom Cruise: Is she a good kisser?
Man: You think?
Tom Cruise: All the time. You should try it.
Okay blondie, I make joke, you laugh.
Tom Cruise (pointing gun at bad guy’s head): I was born in October. When I get to my birthday, I’m going to pull the trigger. 1…..2…..3…….
Oh Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, what are we going to do with you?
In other words, don’t watch it, it was a load of shit! lol
xx00xx
Mollie and Alfie
A load of shit doesn’t even begin to describe it!
At one part the bad guys are trying to beat him up in the bathroom. But of course they can’t because bad guys are soooo stupid, and Tom Cruise is far too brilliant. They “accidentally” knock their heads on the sink, the shower curtain rod, the tub, everything. I think it was supposed to be funny or something.
You know I just can’t stay silent. It was funny… it really really was.
Gasp!
Oh geezus, I don’t think my eyes can roll back any further in my head! I haven’t gone to see the movie yet and now definitely won’t be haha!! Cringe! Tom Cruise freaks me out. I’d much rather sit in a reclining chair and watch George Clooney or Ryan Gosling
Mmmmm, George Clooney and Ryan Gosling…..even better both of them together in one movie!
It just proves looks are not everything Tom….ugh.
Exactly, ugh. Say no to Tom Cruise!
I, too, hate Tom Cruise……I’ve never seen Risky Business, Top Gun, the bartending movie or Jerry McGuire….I’m a happy person for it.
You are my hero! Sadly, I’ve seen Jerry McGuire. It was just so….so….pointless! And everybody loves it, I just don’t understand why
I also hated Forrest Gump & Ferris Bueler’s Day Off…I’m pretty sure I have pop-culture-brain damage…
But I’m happy to be someone’s hero!
Not Ferris Bueler! Okay, I guess I can forgive that because you never saw Top Gun, but really Ferris Bueler’s Day Off?
Yes – I cannot abide Matthew Broderick…. I’m a hard ass, I guess. I only tolerated him in The Cable Guy b/c I love Jim Carrey and Broderick was being stalked –
I get that. Matthew Broderick reminds me of a slightly tall child, for some reason. I never watched The Cable Guy. And don’t hate me for this, but I hate Jim Carrey with a burning passion!
I can live with that – our hatred of Tom Cruise binds us
Works for me!
They love it because they love black people too.
Hahaha!
Thanks for the heads up, looks like one to miss!! Never been a fan of Tom, he is just the cheesiest guy ever, right?
Rohan.
He is absolutely the cheesiest! A miss for sure, and all future Tom Cruise productions too
I am so mad that he is ruining a favorite book character! grrr
I never read the book, but I’m still mad at him for that. Isn’t Jack Reacher supposed to have really cool dialogues like “I’m not afraid of death. Death’s afraid of me”? Not one really good moment in that movie. Grr!
yea and he supposed to be this huge strapping MANLY man. The books are awesome– total thriller cheese, if you like that kinda thing.
Love thrillers, I’ll definitely check them out
remember I said cheese — ridiculously fun
“I was born in October.” Ugh. He is the sassiest!
Thanks for the warning, Four Eyes. Your sacrifice was not in vain.
The October one was the worst!
Thank you, Mike, I’m just trying to save one person at a time.
Feed circus animal with him?
I hate him too, I can’t stand his face, I also have a hate post about Tom Cruise and Harrison Ford that I should post soon.
Good to know that the hate for Tom unites many bloggers, cuz I know Madam Weebles hates him too.
Yes! We can feed circus animal with him!
Harrison Ford too? Hmm, yeah I guess I can see why. Can’t wait to read it! Criticizing Tom Cruise is quickly turning into a hobby of mine
Tom Cruise is a scary guy that’s freaky and weird. I actually watched some of his movies and liked them before he started opening his mouth and jumping on couches and preaching Scientology. Okay, so I liked A Few Good Men because, um, hot men in uniforms! I don’t actually remember the movie itself, except Jack’s “You can’t handle the truth!” Which he can’t, he really can’t. Cause the truth is he’s a dick.
That movie sounds really bad. Though not as bad as New Moon, which the Things and I are still slogging through.
Haha! I think it is possible that you hate Tom Cruise more than I do. I love that!
Good luck with New Moon. I feel for you. Whatever you do, don’t make a drinking game out of it. It doesn’t end well (the movie and the game)
Those are some awfully putrid one-liners. I can’t stand Tom Cruise, either. I can’t think of one good movie he’s been in. What a tool.
I hear ya. I think we could spend an entire day trying to think of good movies he was in and come up with nothing.
I’d rather spend my time on something productive…like doing nothing.
Hehe, good idea
Oh, btw, I tried blogging naked at work. It wasn’t pretty. I found out a coworker was gay, on the other hand.
My question is why did they choose Tom Cruise to play the lead??? He’s what? 5 foot 2 or something and the character in the book is like 6 foot 4…I mean really????? I’m not much for Cruise, haven’t seen anything he was in either.
He produced the movie. They probably had no choice but to take him.
I love that you haven’t seen any of his movies! Life is better that way
I actually love him. Like a lot. LOL. But I love that you so eloquently expressed your hatred for him. I know hating him is more the norm than how I feel.
He was cool in The Outsiders. Even Rain Man was a good performance.
I unapologetically love the majority of his 80′s movies.
Miss Four Eyes will make you apologize. Give her some rope, an isolated room and a car battery, then you’ll apologize.
Yikes.
Yikes, indeed.
Me too, me too.
I knew I couldn’t be alone.
Pick a team.
I can’t! I’m torn!
You have to!
I… I can’t. I’m sorry. *swallows bottle of poison*
No, Mike! Tom Cruise isn’t worth it! Spit it out! Spit it out!!
Gotcha! It was just a bottle of poisson (aka fish juice). It tastes awful, but I’m okay.
Eww. I guess that is punishment enough
DO NOT try to kiss me, whatever you do.
Wha….? But…but, fish juice is like the ultimate woman magnet! I can’t help it!
I know, I know. I didn’t think it through. I’m pretty much a walking pheromone.
Think of all those poor unsuspecting women
Nah, lots of people love him (which annoys me to death). My friends were squealing with joy at the beginning of the movie. I’m a little surprised that so many people agree with me on this here.
I now have to see this movie. Thank you for the “recommendation.” I’ll let you know how it went… unless I really really like it… then I will just remain silent because I am so desperate to agree with everyone about important things like movie taste.
Happy New Year!
If you like it, don’t tell me, I won’t be able to handle it.
Happy New Year, Soul! Hoping that 2013 brings us better movies (without Tom Cruise)
I can’t stop; I liked it. Interesting story. Loved the cheesy one-liners. That has always been an action movie staple. Also, I could care less if Mr. Cruise is bat-shit crazy in real life. I like a lot of his work and even love some of it. I’ll understand if you feel a need to send anthrax in the mail… but, I had to speak up.
I don’t care if he’s batshit crazy in real life either. But why does he make batshit crazy movies?! Why does he torture the people?! I’m still recovering.
Anthrax may or may not be in your mail, beware.
Tom Cruise killed Oprah on her show one time:
Hahaha! I can’t stop laughing!
So if someone wanted to incapacitate you, they could use a Cruise flick to do it?
Oh no! The secret is out! Now everyone knows!
OH man, I know what you mean. Tom Cruise is horrible. I really don’t enjoy his movies – he’s like Robert Pattinson and that girl from Twilight – no expression!
Funny, pretty, AND you have good taste in movies, I knew you were perfect! This is why we are together
Also, it should be noted that I still think you are hilarious… even if you have managed to bad mouth one of my favourite movies. Hugs.
Oh Soul. It should be noted that I still think you are wonderful, even if you like bad movies. Hugs
The best movie I ever saw was “The Virgin Spring.” It doesn’t have Tom Cruise in it. What was the best movie you ever saw.
I surrender! You win this one. Never again will I say anything bad about Tom Cruise. Never again will I tell people not to watch his (stupid) movies. For I am the one who likes bad movies *head hangs down in shame*
I take the title to my grave, Soul Walker. You win.
Can we still be friends?
MissFourEyes,
Sure.
-Soul Walker
I’ve never seen The Virgin Spring, I’ll be sure to check it out.
So do we get to hear what you think is the best movie you ever saw was… or should we content ourselves with some vague assertion that we would disapprove.
The best movie I have ever seen is The Lion King. I loved it when I was 2 years old, I love it now. It will forever be the best.
I see…
You do know I asked for the best, not your favourite, right?
It’s a good thing he wasn’t born in January, although it would undoubtedly have been a lot funnier.
Hahaha! That would’ve been hilarious!
that’s not a movie on my list. i’ll probably see “les miserables” this week.
Haven’t see it yet, tell me how it goes
Oh no!!!! I freakishly like Tom Cruise. But it might be because I just like to defend the famous and successful yet despised (Justin Bieber, Kate Gosselin, Michael Jackson pre-death). I actually had no desire to see this movie, but having read this, now I’m tempted! Those lines are gold! So bad it’s good?
Haha!
Tom Cruise AND Justin Bieber?! You’re killing me!
Tom Cruise was okay until the Oprah couch incident and the anti-depressant rant. I wish I didn’t know about his personal life, but since I do, like you, I can’t watch him anymore either.
It’s not so much his personal life (though it is disturbing to know), but his movies and acting (and horrible dialogues) that drive me nuts!
But I do love those memes about the Oprah couch incident! They crack me up every time
for me (and wifesy) tom cruise is like our white jamie fox. yes, i just said that. he’s a pretentious a-hole, but we still watch his movies bc they’re usually, well, watchable. they give us indigestion, but we watch… sigh. fun read. sm
They give you indigestion too? Phew! I was worried that it was just me!
Um your synopsis alone makes me crave more. I want me some Tom-n-cheese.
I wrote this post to try to save the poor unsuspecting people. It isn’t working
You should read this, http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/65027/the-nuttiest-tom-cruise-and-john-travolta-parts-in-lawrence-wrights-scientology-expose
Haha, I will never understand people
So was I, last week. At a beach in Florida. — seriously? fuck.
It was dreadful to watch. At least with horror movies you have scary music to warn you, there was nothing here! You just sit there waiting, terrified of what stupid line he’ll say next!
I think we should get reset buttons for some asepcts of our lives. We strive hard and long down one path and when figure out it was the wrong way to go we should get to reset and start over. That’s what Tom Cruise needs, right? “Hey, let’s wipe out all the movies I’ve made recently and all of my public statements and start over. How’s that sound.” Pretty good, Tommy. Pretty good.
That sounds perfect! Sadly, I think he stands by every one of his movies and public statements. The Oprah couch incident may even be his proudest moment. But really, I’d be happy just erasing the last few movies from my mind
They need to hurry up with that whole “eternal sunshine of the spotless mind” technology so we can wipe away our memories of having had to sit through them… and maybe a few other things.
Oh yeah, absolutely! Think of all those things we wouldn’t regret having watched!
I have to say I like Tom Cruise movies (most of them anyway) BUT he is NOT Jack Reacher. I’ve not seen the film but if you read any of the books you get an idea of his appearence and for me cruise ain’t it.
*gasp* I can’t believe you would say something like that here! This is no place for people who like Tom Cruise movies!
Kidding
I didn’t read the book, but I did read a bunch of angry reviews saying that Jack Reacher is supposed to be 6 feet tall and very buff. Tom Cruise doesn’t even get close.
haha, I like to be controversial… but yeah Reacher is supposed to be a rather intimidating guy.
Must be horrible to watch that movie after you’ve read the book, huh?