Alice from AliceAtWonderland inspired today’s post. She’s trying to lose some weight. (and doing a great job, btw. She’s being very honest with herself and the internet) But losing weight means regularly checking your weight.
To me, weighing yourself is like a calling a hooker. YOU asked for her. YOU asked for the girlfriend experience. And yet YOU are ashamed when it’s over.
I know what that’s like. Oh man do I know what that feels like (I can see why you would think I mean the hooker part, but no). I used to be a fatty. I ate like a bunny for some years, and now I fit into a single digit dress size.
I’ve had a love-hate relationship with my weighing scale for a very long time, and over the years I have successfully learnt the tricks of weighing yourself in the most accurate manner.
- All weighing must be done on a manual scale. The kind with the little arrow that you can torture by jumping up and down on the scale (dance, little arrow, dance!). None of those electronic ones. Way too accurate. Do you really want to know that your poop weighs exactly 17.8 oz?
- Speaking of poop, take a dump first. Oh I’m sorry, I meant relieve yourself of feces.
- Never check your weight naked. Simply no. Because you will invariably see a number that will disappoint you, but it isn’t your fault. It’s your jeans/shirt/granny panties that are causing that shameful number, not you.
- Check your weight without your glasses. The arrow is pointing too far towards the right? So what? You can’t see a damn thing! Is that 180? It looks like 130.
- Don’t do the hokey pokey and put your left foot out. It only adds pressure on the scale resulting in a bigger number. Trust me, I really have tried everything.
- Lastly, if you’re really down and just need a ray of hope it’s located right under/on the side of your manual weighing scale. Just turn the dial that adjusts the arrow so that it’s pointing to a negative number. Result: “OMG! I lost twenty pounds!” Instant happiness
Accuracy.
So there you have it. All those health and fitness articles you read were pointless. This is how it’s really done.
LOL, I always tweek the scale dial ( just a little bit ) It’s so darn hard.. I have a stone to lose and no motivation
I can eat like a Bunny but it’s the whole cow that I have with it. I’m not a chocolate person but I love wine..And it’s the same every Monday..I’ll start next week..lol Big fatty Hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Mollie and Alfie
I guess I can forgive you for not being a chocolate person.
Don’t lose weight if you don’t want to. You know look great just the way you are, and you’ll avoid so much unnecessary stress. Honestly don’t do it, just tweak the scale
You are not a fatty, but fatty hugs are cuddly! So Big Cuddly Hugs!
Whew!! I knew it was the big granny panties, and not me!
It’s never you, Amy! Those granny panties really weigh us down
hahahahaha I love the drawing on that scale.
Let’s see where I am today, Uhmm cow, well, I was a hippo 2 weeks ago lol
I’ve been 145lbs for the last 6 years, I use the scale to weigh things at home, I once made a photoshoot of me weighing all the crap in the kitchen, turns out a lb doen’t make much difference on the scale, so don’t trust that crap.
Yay for cow! I’m a warthog, oink
I tried that once too, for some reason I absolutely needed to know how much a giant box of cereal weighed. Did not work out. Then once I tried to weigh all my underwear, that didn’t work either. The liar!
hahha awesome tips! The weighing after pooping thing is a MUST. I feel so wronged if I am at the doctor and get weighed pre-dump. It’s just not right.
The pre-dump weighings are the worst! It’s made worse with the doctor watching your shame slowly increase in number as she notes it down to the exact decimal. It isn’t right! I say all weighings, especially pre-dump, should be done in a private room with the blinds closed.
How much exercise can you get hopping up and down on the scale? Now I’m a duck, now I’m a pig, now I’m a cow!
Hookers!
Lots and lots of exercise! What better motivation than torturing your weighing scale? Take that you little bastard! *jump* *jump* *jump*
Hookers!
Hahahaha! I have a digital scale, and I laugh everytime it says, “Err” when I step on it wrong. It’s like it is asking if I really want to know the number today. And usually, I do not.
Haha! You’ve got a very thoughtful scale, mine doesn’t do that and picks a number at random. I like yours better, we would get along
I love that none of your suggestions involve less eating. Good girl! I have one doctor whose scale subtracts for clothing. I actually weigh less on it than I do completely naked on my electronic scale. I have been trying to buy one of those……..
Eating less? I would never dream of it!
That is brilliant! I want one of those scales! We could scratch rule #3 and stand on it naked and it will subtract for clothing! I feel like a criminal mastermind
You have my respect and admiration on a job well done, young lady! Great post!
The hooker analogy was priceless and spot-on!
Thank you so much, Hook! I wasn’t really sure about the hooker thing, I just went with it. I’m really glad you liked it!
I have catch up appointment with my physio next week. When we last met me instructed me to put on some weight. I haven’t.
Do you think that if I hold in a massive dump for a couple of days and try a subtle Hokey-Pokey when i’m being weighed then he’ll be fooled?
I think you should give it a shot! I knew a guy who shoved a frying pan in the back of his pants to fool the scale. But fair warning, it’s really hard to do the hokey pokey like that
Challenge accepted…
Great! Tell me how it goes!
The scale is nothing but a big ole whore. I can’t believe I never saw the similarities…lol. I love all of your suggestions, especially not wearing the glasses. The less I see these days the better….hilarious!
Haha! Nothing but a big ole whore! The less you see the less ashamed you are
Dearest Naked Blog Goddess, I can’t help but notice that you were gracefully able to combine hookers, poop, nudity, AND the hokey pokey in one post. I am truly envious of your blogging badassery. I bow before your greatness.
Dearest Sexy Storm Trooper, you flatter me with words like blogging badassery. A million thanks, and naked blog hugs!
Wow! I think I just got a blog boner! Thanks!
Oh no! You’re wearing your Storm Trooper armor
I know. You have no idea what kind of pain I’m in right now.
I’m sorry. I guess more hugs aren’t going to help
Not at the moment, no.
Geez! I’ve been doing it wrong all these years!
It’s okay, for years I stood on the scale in an ‘upright and steady fashion’. You can always start doing it the right way now!
Feces!
Tee hee, I love saying feces. My second favorite is excreta
Excreta sounds like an over the counter drug! Love it!
It does! I never noticed
They’d say to us in middle school in completely flat, bored voices “And the animal excreta will be used by plants….(long pause)…as fertilizer” I always wondered why they simply couldn’t say poop.
Since I’m a guy, I prefer to take my doodies after the weigh in. It works slightly in my favor that way. Sometimes more than slightly…
As a girl, taking my doodies after the weigh in works slightly against my favor. No, definitely more than slightly. ‘slightly’ cannot begin to describe it
What you’re trying to say then is that you’re a big-shitter?
Adam! Shhhhh
oops.
You forgot to mention first stepping holding something that’s 50 pounds. Then stepping back on just yourself. Look – 50 pounds lighter! Aren’t you glad it wasn’t that other number?!
I don’t tell you this enough, Jill, you are brilliant!
*blush!*
so true– very funny post. Scale dancing is a must
Scale cha-cha!
I am going to take your advice for sure. I am currently taking a dump, so scale here I come and I am ready to boogie. Too much?
Too much? Nah. Too much would be when I congratulate you on your dump.
Congratulations on your dump!
I think about 80% of weighing yourself is about self-denial, although eventually (at least for me) I have to admit that the number is slowly creeping up. And that’s just depressing, since I’m ostensibly on a diet. However, the pre-weighing dump is essential, I agree.
The number is not creeping up. The arrow lies. It lies to everyone, that bastard!
Good point. It’s all a conspiracy of Big Scales, I know it.
I have GOT to not read your posts while drinking coffee — I swear I almost sprayed the computer!! Hilarious! And for the record, I love how you think.
Oh Melia, you are so sweet, thank you so much
I refuse to weigh myself wearing anything less than my winter coat, three shirts, a backpack full of rocks, and a pair of boots. Also, I swear I was following your blog long before now, but WordPress is telling me I wasn’t. There has to have been some mistake.
There you go, you’ve got it exactly right!
Don’t worry about it, WordPress does that all the time
“Do you really want to know that your poop weighs exactly 17.8 oz?”—Hmm, I’ll have to get back to you on that…
Great post. Thanks for a good laugh. I have to go share this post on Twitter. Are you on Twitter?
I’ll wait….
Glad you liked it! And thanks for sharing, I’m not on Twitter yet, I really should open an account
Look me up when you do.
@carrie_rubin
I will for sure
Yeah, scales are mercurial creatures. The only time I avoid weighing myself is because I know I’m not where I should be and don’t want to look! Great advice about the manual scales too
That’s a good point, never weigh yourself when you know it’s going to be bad. Or weigh yourself and don’t look!
Glad you liked it!
LOL I love it. Another good reason not to be naked while weighing, there probably is a mirror nearby.
Haha, good point! NEVER check your weight near a mirror, never.
I knew I was doing it right:)
Yes you were!
Got you a bit of bling, cos we love you
xx00xx
Mollie and Alfie
Thank you so much, Stella! Coming over to check it out right away
Oh and I lurve you too!
My (electronic) scales ran out of power 18 months ago. Do you think I ever replaced the batteries? NO WAY.
Haha! That’s the dream isn’t it? The day your scale stops working! No new batteries, time to celebrate!
Without my glasses (contacts) not only would I not be able to see the numbers on the scale, I wouldn’t be able to see the scale itself. Hmm, wait a minute, problem solved!
There you are, problem solved! You’ve got it exactly right!
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Haha, brilliant post! Lot’s of excellent advice as usual
I love how you’re advice highlights how ridiculous the whole weight thing is. I know it’s a battle for a lot of people, but damn, sometimes we just have to give ourselves a break and have a good laugh at the silliness of it all 
You rock!
Rohan.
Oh thank you, Rohan! I used to be on the opposite side of that battle, but like you said, we have to give ourselves a break. It IS silly, but it will work out eventually, you just have to stop stressing about it.