There aren’t a lot of things I’m scared by. No really, a spider lives on my shower curtain, her name is Betty; and a family of lizards live above my bathroom*. But you should know that there are some things that I am deathly afraid of.
- Dolls – this is by far my number one fear. And not because of Chucky, I never saw that movie. My parents gave me a porcelain doll for my 7th birthday, I haven’t played with her to this day. She’s wrapped up in storage. Arms nicely secured, you know, just in case.
- Bobbleheads – This is kind of like the doll thing. But worse because bobbleheads bobble. Is it moving? Is not moving? Is it all in my head?! Am I going crazy? Is the bobble head talking to me?!!
- Nightlights – I would rather sleep in the dark than sleep with a nightlight on. It’s the flickering ones that bother me the most. They cast dancing shadows, and the dolls that used to be in my room looked like they were talking. When I was a kid, my mom got a flickering Jesus nightlight. This was weird not only because I had never once said that I was afraid of the dark, but because I wasn’t even raised Catholic. It scared the crap out of me. I was sure that Jesus and the dolls would gang up against me Christmas morning.
I’m coming to get you.
- Fish – they just float around in their bowls, seemingly “minding their own business”, staring at you with their beady little eyes. The goldfish have even got the entire world convinced that they lose their memory every time they blink. Don’t you think that’s just a little too convenient? Someday they’re going to take over the world, I just know it.
- The flush – When I was little, I thought that the flush, yes the toilet flush, was going to eat me. Not once did I ever have a nightmare about the boogie monster under my bed (we were pals), but the flush was not to be used after dark.
- The Neighbor’s butt crack – What can I say about this? My neighbor has a butt crack. She likes to put this butt crack on display occasionally. There are good butt cracks, and bad butt cracks. She does not have a good butt crack.
Good or bad?
- Babies – What’s not to be afraid of? They have a self destruct button right on their head, that alone is terrifying.
- Aunt J’s dancing – I have an Aunt J. She wanted to be a dancer. She is not a dancer. Horrifying cannot begin to describe it.
- Aunt J’s kisses –Too close to the ear, Aunt J! NO! Too close to the mouth!!
- Aunt J’s cleavage – No comment.
What are you afraid of?
*I should really do something about my bathroom buddies.
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OMG, I’m afraid of fish too! Some are cute, but I can only stay in an ocean or lake so long because they freak me out. And when I’m in a pet store I’m always afraid the tank is going to bust open — gives me the creeps!
I’m glad you’re with me on this! I won’t get into the water if I know fish are in there. I just can’t do it. At the ocean, crabs I’m okay with, fish NO.
I too am cowardly when it comes to crack. This is why I will never enjoy the band Prince.
Haha! My neighbor would like those jeans
I’m afraid of the toilet flushing while I’m sitting on it. Swimming in an area where fish might be by my feet scares me!!! And that Jesus night light….I’m terrified.
You get me. You really, truly get me.
Dolls are high on my list, but clowns & confederate flags are number one. A clown holding a confederate flag is a terrifying thought.
That does sound scary! Somehow I’m okay with clowns. Not sad clowns though, those guys are just plain wrong.
Totally with you on the flush, I used to run like the wind away from that bastard at night! As for the pictured crack, I’d have to say good to that one, a crack has to be pretty bad to scare me. I’m very open minded when it comes to cracks
Oh and I won’t be showering at your place, lizards are cool but there’s not way I’m getting in with Betty!
Rohan.
I’ll have to show you a picture of my neighbor’s crack so you can judge it for me
Aw, but Betty is such a sweetheart! You’ll love once you get to know her
Haha, oh god, ummm…you have pictures? Thought you said you didn’t like it
How big is she? (Betty I mean)
I lived in Australia with hand sized hairy spiders that look like they will start a conversation with you! I can handle the itty bitty kind ^_^
By the way I wanted to ask you about guest posts. Can you send me an email?: rohan.healy@beardfirepublishing.com
Rohan.
I don’t have any pictures, thank goodness!
Betty, is a tiny bit of a thing. Only about an inch big. After hand sized hairy spiders (WHOA!!) you’d handle her, no problem.
Sure
Haha, phew!
Oh you could just about throw a saddle on these things and ride em. I used to share a house with about 30 of these guys: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Huntsman_spider
Actually quite friendly, but still scare the crap out of me!
Betty sounds like a little charmer, I’m sure we’d get on fine then
Rohan.
Yowza! Those guys do look terrifying! I don’t know how you lived there
It’s amazing what you get used to!
Rohan.
Email sent
I’m afraid of my wife – but she likes it that way!
Great post and I love the new look. Just don’t ever lose the glasses, okay?
Haha! That is both sweet and odd….hmm, maybe not so odd
Thanks! Nope, never going to lose those glasses
Miss Four Eyes,
But what if you actually lose your glasses… I mean, I’ve done that before. You do know that it could happen, right? I mean you really could lose them. Someone could even steal them (which would be so horrible). I’m thinking about Laser surgery myself. I have two reasons:
1) Lasers are involved
2) The Zombie apocalypse (why did I capitalize that word?)
-Soul Walker
I have five pairs of glasses (not enough, I know), no worries if anyone tries to steal them
And you capitalized that word because Zombies deserve to be capitalized.
Babies have a self destruct button on their heads – I’m dying here, just dying!
Hehe, they do! It’s scary!
Babies are terrifying. Cute… but terrifying.
Cuteness wrapped around pure evil
Very true. Thing One scared the crap out of us when she was a baby. It was like “You take her”, “No, you take her”, “No, I don’t want to go to prison, you take her.” Then Thing Two came along and it was like, eh, she’ll probably survive.
Nice.
“No, I don’t want to go to prison, you take her.” Haha!
How is it possible that something so adorably cute could be so terrifying?
I’m afraid of bobbleheads and fish, too. And monkeys, I despise monkeys. I think they are scary. I’m also a little afraid of babies, even though I had one and had two baby grandchildren. I was glad when they were no longer babies but people. Babies are scary too.
Monkeys and babies. Yup, definitely a reason to be very very scared!
great post LOL!
Thanks!
With you on the doll thing, it’s their glass eyes for me! Creepy!!
Masks are one of my biggest fears, kabuki ones in particular. This makes me scared of kids at halloween too. I blame horror films.
Amy
amydot90.wordpress.com
AAH! The glass eyes! At one point, I made a make-do blind fold for my doll just so that I wouldn’t have to look at her eyes. But that just made it worse.
Those kabuki masks are scary. Especially when they have the very calm faces painted on.
Is that really how your neighbor dresses? How awful. What am I afraid of? Hmmm….force lightning. Can anyone even explain that? Scary stuff.
Gah! Force lightning! That IS scary stuph. As a kid I always thought they were pretty colors. I now know better
Well, it’s certainly neat to witness, but at any moment the Emperor could decide he doesn’t like you and fry you. I suppose, looking at things that way…maybe it’s a blessing I’m stuck out here on Tatooine.
Haha!
Oh hey, and thanks for the Zemanta tip you told us months ago. I like the related links with the thumbnails
It’s great, isn’t it? Plus, you’ll get additional traffic if you link to other WordPress bloggers because they’ll get the pingback notification and be all like, “WTF, mate? What’s this?” and click on the link. Then they’ll become entranced by your mad writing skillz and click the “follow” button.
We should call this The Stormtrooper Effect.
The Stormtrooper Effect: To be entranced by mad writing skillz and therby compelled to click the “follow” button
I love new definitions. You can detail this in your guest post on my blog!!!
Good idea!
I thought of it myself.
Of course you did, Sexy Stormtrooper
Lol. I’ll be sending you an invite soon…
Want a funny fish story? Ask Twindaddy about his swim in the ocean. It was quite amusing…..to everybody except him.
Seriously with the night lights! What about when I doze off and then half-wake up only to see that light, forget I have a nightlight, and become certain my room is on its way to being engulfed by an inferno. No thank you!
I know what you mean! It’s terrible. And when I finally get back to sleep, there’s just burning rooms everywhere. Nightlights are bad news. Keep the kids away from them!
Great list, you are afraid of a lot and you have made me extremely happy that I do not have an Aunt J. I am only afraid of two things. Clowns, because they are grown men wearing face paint, and snakes because they are gross. Thanks for the great post. Loved it!
I understand the clown thing. I don’t like it when they have sad clown or angry clown makeup! That stuff is nightmare material.
Thanks for reading, Jonathan
What about the doll that Aunt J gave you while pecking you on the cheek and bending over with her cleavage showing? While I don’t mind nightlights, I don’t like Jesus things staring at me. I kind of like fish and butt cracks are amusing. I have a demented sense of humor sometimes.
HOWEVER . . . Automatic Flushing Toilets are the worst! Just when you think they are not going to flush, they do. And sometimes they flush before I’m done — that’s just wrong. But my worst fear is that something of mine will drop in (like a $20 bill) just before it flushes and I won’t even have the chance to decide if I want to brave the soiled water to fish it out before it is GONE!
No, not the doll Aunt J gave me while pecking me on the cheek and bending over with her cleavage showing! The horror!
Gah! The thing I fear most about an automatic flushing toilet is that it’ll flush too hard and ‘something’ will shoot out of it while I’m still in the stall!
good post, I think ill do something similar… ok then the same… just different answers. of course
Go ahead, I’d love to see what you write!
…Well I would if I could think of anything funny that I feared, rather than serious type things.
I’d read it either way:)
What about pictures of babies doing silly things? I fear that my blog is going to be overrun with those kind of posts later this year…
I like pictures of babies doing silly things. Pictures are good, they’re safe
No self destruct button on pictures I guess… okay, good to know, wouldn’t want to be scaring you away from my blog.
No way! You could never scare me away from your blog
Wooohoooo!!
I’m not too fond of dolls either. As for fish, nah. The only butt cracks I don’t like are those big old men’s. hairy ones, I mean that’s just wrong. As for babies. Keep them away from me. All kids scare the crap outta me.
I just had a horrible thought. Hairy baby butt crack. This is wrong, images like that shouldn’t be popping up in my head!
Awww. There’s no reason to fear goldfish. We’re really not up to anything terrible. Maybe.
Oh Goldfish. Your comment only makes me feel half better, kind of.
Agree, completely. And, for the record, baby doll nightlights or even baby Jesus nightlights are terrifying.
Aaah! Those are the worst! Now they’re in my head…
babies scare the sh*t out of me: they shit more than racehorses, they cry their lungs out and they lead you to the path of sleep deprivation.
You sound experienced. They are evil masked being lots and lots (and lots) of cuteness
I am just a university student, but I definitely developed a clinical fear of *them* after reading a couple of Italian mommyblogs. I’m better off with cats
Oh hey, so am I
Italian mommy blogs huh? I’ll make sure to stay away from them. Cats and dogs are ALWAYS better!
I’m pretty sure goldfish are terrified of the flush, too. It never bodes well for them.
Haha, I guess goldfish and I have that in common then
BHHAhahaaaa!! This one totally CRACKed me up! I can see why you would fear the buttcrack on display!
I once had a mysterious bug on my bathroom sink, and he (it) stayed in the same vicinity on the sink for 3 days, so I named him Harvey, but then he left 
Aw, Harvey left? He and Betty would’ve gotten along, I’m sure of it
P.S. I nominated you for an award thingy. Hope this is okay! http://jacusloxy.wordpress.com/2013/02/07/blog-award/
Thank you, Amy! Coming over right now
I’m with ya on the nightlights.. Hate them. I am afraid of squirrels– very very afraid.
like the psychedelic new look– nice
Sometimes when I see squirrels from certain angles, their tails look invisible. Spooky!
And thanks! I’m glad you like the new look
Hehehehe… This was funny!
I’m a’skeered of the monster who lives under the bed and in the closet when the door is slightly ajar in the middle of the night when the lights are out.
Eeek! The closet monsters are the worst. My clothes are in there! Don’t stretch them out!
Don’t look!! http://www.dollasylum.com
Why Kylie?! WHY?!!
Could not resist.
Please don’t take out a restraining order on me, but… http://eviljoyspeaks.wordpress.com/2013/02/09/evil-messiness/
What is it, Kylie? I’m so scared!
You know this is going to be a “thing” now, right?
I clicked on it. I’m going to have nightmares now, you know?
I use to think the flush was going to get me..I hate those porcelain dolls, my mum has a couple..yuk xx00xx Like the new re-vamp x
Mollie and Alfie
I knew you’d understand! The worst is the flush and the dolls teaming up *shudder*
Thanks, Stella!
Have you been getting my e-mails?
replying to them right now
You are perplexing…your bathroom buddies would have already been sprayed with shaving cream in my house (because that’s how I kill those creepy bathroom spiders–you gotta use what’s handy). But The Flush? The Flush is cleansing! The Flush takes away the yucky. I’m more terrified when The Flush doesn’t work…that’s terror right there!
Haha! Guess I never thought of it that way. I would be terrified too if the flush didn’t work! I suppose we could just cover the yucky up with shaving cream if the worst happens
Hysterical and disturbing at the same time.
flickering Jesus nightlight– and not even Catholic hahaha that made me laugh out loud. my mom has a night lamp like that btw. ^^ and aunt J’s kisses seem very much like my grandfather’s kisses… they’re so… wet. ick! and on both cheeks too..my little cousin would hide beneath the sofa so grandpa won’t see her hahaha but i have to live with it. ><
Haha! Oh you poor thing! Should’ve hid under the couch with your cousin
Great list. Fish are especially creepy when they are floating at the top with eyes wide open. The flush is hilarious. My mom has a super flusher. My niece ran away and started crying after she pushed the lever.
They sound terrifying! Your niece was right to run away, poor thing
Is your Aunt J seeing anyone? She sounds amazing.
Sorry, Soul. She’s happily married. My uncle sometimes disagrees on the happily part.
I’ll keep looking.
Um I’m now also totally afraid of that nightlight. And water in large-body form. So Pacific, Atlantic, Indian oceans- these are the bodies I like to avoid.
I’m sorry about the nightlight. And your fear of water in large-body form is completely understandable. It’s okay though nothing to see there anyway, just lots of fish floating around, plotting schemes to take over the world.
Exactly! And those dolphins….Brady eyes….
Beady*. Brady is just weird.
Brady eyes are clearly scarier
I’ve never been afraid of the flush itself, but when I was young I had an irrational fear that the toilet would back up when I was at someone else’s house.
Haha! That IS terrifying! I have a new found fear now
This is a very funny post. I’m afraid of cockroaches. It’s an irrational fear I know. But they can paralyze me and if I think for a minute there might be a cockroach in my vicinity (hotel room…) I will not be able to sleep. I’m not sure why they scare me, they don’t bite or attack. In fact, they are sort of like crickets right? without the chirping.
And that behind the scenes peek of your neighbor is pretty scary too.
I don’t think it’s an irrational fear at all. I know a lot of people that are afraid of cockroaches, the flying ones are the worst.
Thanks for reading, Twistnpout
LOL I am scared of your neighbors butt crack too.
Haha! I knew you would understand!
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Fish don’t blink
Gah! More reason to be afraid!
Clowns. Ever seen that Gymbo the Clown guy? I hate that guy. He’s too damn happy. I think he does drugs. Gymboree should be ashamed of themselves. Jesus nightlight would scare the crap out of me too. And I still have to put my hand over the sensor when Thing Two uses those automatic flushing toilets. It’s getting a little old.
The sensor is scary okay? The sensors see EVERYTHING. It is evil. Someday all the toilet sensors are going to take over the world!
I’m afraid of traveling on a packed plane next to someone smelly, I would hate to have to kill that person there and then go to jail once we land.
Seriously, have you watched that show Locked Abroad? I always fear I’ll end up in a jail in Thailand where there’ll give me a boob job (it’s free in there I’ve heard) and send me home with a different name, Veronika for example, with my backpack full of drugs. The police catches me in the airport and send me to jail where all the inmates touch my new boobs before I’m executed.
I’m sorry I laughed at all the things you’re scared of. But they are hilarious!
You should write your own list of 10 things you fear!
That Jesus looks scary. I am afraid of stray dogs and of missing my flight. I always get hyper before a flight…
I get that. I get hyper when I’m going to the airport. “what if there’s a traffic jam and I miss my flight?!”
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I’m so so behind on reading, but LOVE THIS! We are such a perfect pair. I’ll handle the dolls and toilet flushing, and you can handle the bugs and spiders!
Soulmates, Jillian, soulmates
I am afraid of everything so I probably shouldn’t talk. But I will. Because you reminded me that when I was 12, I stayed the night at my friend Rachel’s house and she had The Most Terrifying Doll Ever. It was some family heirloom porcelain baby – and its eyes were missing. It just had gaping black holes that followed you around the room and promised to steal your eyes while you slept. That thing scared the fuck out of me. Still does. What happened to the eyes??
Gah! That thing scares me just reading about it. What happened to the eyes?!
Haha this post is hilarious! How come I didn’t see this before.Agree on the first one. People who keep those dolls are even more creepier. They seem to have this dead stare.*shivers* Fish? You’re weird, in a really good way ofcourse. Are you afraid of Pisceans as well? Hehe if yes(that’d be great as well
), reading this comment should give you a scare.
Gah! A piscean! *runs away*
Kidding
And thanks for the read as well
Thank YOU!