For the first time ever I successfully made chocolate chip cookies.
I don’t have one of those ancient cook books passed down from my great-grandmother. For years I’ve been left to my own devices (clumsy, idiotic devices) to figure out how these things are made.
After a decade of unbaked burnt cookies (yes both, it’s possible), flour in my hair, and chocolate chips down my shirt, I finally made the perfect batch. They were completely done, no runny batter on the inside, nothing turned black. Just perfect, moist, edible cookies.
So what’s the secret to perfect cookies? Sure, the internet will tell you things like ‘use good quality and fresh ingredients’. But that will only take you so far. Here are the real secrets, a dummy-proof guide to perfect cookies:
- Don’t use a glass baking dish because you don’t have a cookie sheet.
- Don’t use questionable recipes from the internet.
- Always use an apron. And a shower cap. And suspenders for your pants.
- The less ingredients the better. No, not because they taste better, silly. Because that means there are less things to screw up.
- When you want a perfect batch of chocolate chip cookies never use the organic recipes no matter how much of a hippie you are. Things will go wrong. The agave nectar will turn on you. You will have dangerous radioactive mutant organic cookies that may try to take over the world.
- ‘All-purpose’ doesn’t always mean ALL purpose.
- Don’t bother trying to figure out the difference between all-purpose and self-rising flour.
- When in doubt don’t ask mom. Ask Betty Crocker. Or Nestle Toll House.
- If your cookies end up being unbaked on the inside, just eat them like that. Do not try to cook them on the stove. Don’t grill them either.
Pictured: Good side up. Whole wheat, organic, half-baked (in glass baking dish) and stove cooked chocolate chip cookies. Don’t do this to yourself. Or your dog.
The most important thing to remember is that no matter how many times you throw up from one of your disastrous batches, no matter how much your self esteem is shattered after even your dog refuses to eat your cookies, never give up.
Because cookies are worth getting fat again.
[for honest tips on how to avoid cookie disasters, click here]
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This had me cracking up — especially the third bullet! Congratulations MFE! The cookies do look delicious. You must be proud. I might have to try the chocolate chip and candied strawberry cookies.
Thanks, Sandee! Those candied strawberry ones do look good, but I’m scared of the disaster I’m sure I’ll turn it into
I LOVE chocolate chip cookies. I mean, they’re at the top of my favortie foods list, breakfast lunch or dinner!
This was your best work EVER!
THANK YOU!
Me too! I’ve been having them all day! I need to stop. But I can’t!
Is there a Choco Lovers Anonymous?
I googled it. They have a Facebook page!
Seriously?
Yup!
Chocolate chip cookies are great. It’s almost impossible to mess them up. Even a bad cookie is better than just about anything else you might eat.
But notice I said “almost impossible.”
“Hey guys, I made cookies for everyone!”
“Great!”
“It’s a special vegan recipe!”
“Oh….OK, let’s try them.”
“What do you think?”
“Um…good!”
“Want another?”
“No! I mean, I don’t want to ruin my appetitie.”
Haha! Batches 1 through 1457 were exactly like that. Except my friends ‘subtly’ ran to the bathroom to spit them out
Subtle spit out is better than vomit, right?
Congratulations! Good chocolate chip cookies are great! I’ve always found the recipe on the back of the Nestlé Toll House morsels bag works well, sans nuts because our family doesn’t like nuts in our cookies. And a little undercooked is always better than burnt. Gooey is good. Glad yours turned out perfect. What a coupe!
Gooey is always better than black! Once I made a batch that was black on the bottom and too gooey in the middle. I still don’t know how I managed that
Wow, that last batch looks really yum! I’m always so terrified of home made cookies and biscuits, I just have a distrust for anything that didn’t come out of a packet. It’s an entirely unjustified reaction though, because they are always (in my case so far anyway) really quite nice
Congrats on finally finding the winning formula!
Rohan.
I LOVE cookies that come out of packets! Pop them in the microwave and their as good as freshly baked!
Thanks, Rohan
I always find that if I’m in the mood for cookies making them takes work. So I just get some Chips Ahoy and milk and chill instead of working. Best of all, no apron, shower cap, or suspenders are needed. Hell, I can lounge around naked and eat them. Hey! Don’t judge! If you can blog naked then I can eat cookies naked! I don’t, but just saying…
What? Why wouldn’t you eat cookies naked?
I LOVE Chips Ahoy! Love them.
Because then I’d have crumbs all over my body. At least if I have a shirt on the crumbs will just fall to the floor once I take it off.
WHAT?! You let cookie crumbs go to waste? Say it isn’t so!
No. Once on the floor the dog gets them. Duh.
Phew. You had me worried for a second there, Sexy Stormtrooper
Cookies are too valuable to waste. Even the crumbs.
Yes they are. I knew you would understand
Of course.
Radioactive cookies? Sound Chernobylicious.
By the way, if you ever want to post a picture of yourself baking with a shower cap and suspenders on, that would be awesome. Just saying.
Haha! There is a picture of me on this blog wearing 12 shower caps all at once. Will that do?
Okay, now I’m on the hunt to find it.
https://missfoureyes.wordpress.com/2012/07/30/the-sexy-calendar/
C is for cookie, nom nom nom! I like how there’s a bite out of one already! Another thing – sugar must be added while cooking, not after. Doesn’t work. And when it says “shelled nuts” it means you are supposed to take them out of the shells, not leave them in. Lessons learned.
This is why I go with Nestle and Mrs. Crocker.
Haha! Can you believe I’ve done those before? Of course you can, that’s why we’re friends
When I was little I wanted to be the cookie monster. He has the best job in the world! Eat cookies ALL DAY!
And now they’re trying to make him eat veggies. It’s wrong, I say, wrong!!!
What? NO! That can’t be! They couldn’t, they wouldn’t! NO!
I blame Elmo. Little freak.
Ugh. To think I used to like that guy
congrats on non zombie cookies
Thanks, Steve!
I was really surprised you don’t bake naked! Or maybe you did with just suspenders, an apron and a shower cap. Love to see that pict!
Haha! No naked baking for me. The neighbors complain
Shower cap! haha, duly noted! Hilarious post miss four eyes!
Thanks! Flour is a lot harder to get out of your hair than you think. Especially when it’s flour mixed with butter and eggs…
No matter how bad it seems, I could definitely do worse. Enjoy the cookies. I wish I had a few cookies right now.
Great story. Loved the list of things not to do. Seems like the voice of experience reaching out to help others.
That is the voice of lots and LOTS of bad experience
At least you have overcome them, and now are the queen of cookies.
Haha, not quite but someday
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I learned the hard way that there’s a huge difference between “softened” and “melted.” …Who knew?
Wait. They aren’t the same thing? *face palm* just when you think you’ve got it right
NEVER give up! I am proud of you! lol.
I can see you even loving to bake someday!
I do love to bake, especially when the end result is edible
Miss FourEyes,
I feel like it must be exhausting to be this funny.
-Soul Walker
Soul, you are far too kind:)
Miss FourEyes,
It is easy to be kind to likeable people. When I am kind to my enemies then I will have gotten somewhere. Please continue being awesome.
-Soul Walker
You always make me smile. Thank you. And don’t YOU ever stop being awesome
I’ll try not to.
Also, in addition to being sort of kind sometimes… I am not wearing any pants.
Woo hoo!
I’m all for a great chocolate-chip cookie. And now I want one. Big time.
My grandmother used to add a box of vanilla pudding (the dry mix) to her chocolate chip cookies, and they were always so good. I’ve done that, but they come out a little too thick and not enough chewy. Grandma obviously did something else to those cookies that she never told me about…
That sounds good! I need to try this, let’s hope nothing burns
Looks so good. They like me so much that they kiss my ass.
haha, that’s great!
Cookies are cookies! Raw? Whatever. Burnt? Who cares? Of course, my dog will eat anything…
You have a good dog. Mine is too picky!
Looks like you’re making great progress to becoming a celebrity chef! Which recipe do you think you’ like to perfect next?
Double fudge brownies!
I want one, badly… Now! xD I’m a ubermutantcookiemonsta’
The ubermutantcookiemonsta?! That’s awesome!
hahahahah ohhhh joys of baking hahahaha
I love cooking, but baking is a monster I’ll always fear.
My baking disasters are better than my cooking disasters. With baking there isn’t anything to spontaneously spring out of the pan
Oh my. I am going to ask you right now, write a post for my food blog! Please! You are the only one I have ever asked. But this was too funny. You are adorable. My readers would love you!
Me? I’d love to, Jackie! What would I write about?
You’re cooking of course! After all it is a food blog and you are so funny. See what you can come up with and let me know. You can email me at jlroeder AT mail DOT com. It will be so much fun!
Jackie you are so sweet. Email sent
I know you said not to, but I suddenly want to grill some cookie dough.
Grill at your own risk, keep your pets away, and report back to us!
Love that you bake hippie-free goods. Does the environment a lotta good
Exactly! Nobody needs radioactive cookies taking over the world. Although death by cookie does sound good
These look delicious! And your tips were PERFECT! Many do not know but if you follow simple steps you can make the perfect cookie! Awesome post
Thanks, Smiley Cook! I’m really glad that someone who actually cooks thinks my tips are good
I’m still learning here
Thats the beauty of learning and there is no right in wrong in cooking. Sometimes the craziest mistakes makes the best results! I hope you have fun learning many more technique, I am still learning new stuff everyday myself. Beauty of sharing each others blogs is we get to learn from each other
Such good advice! I too am a serious kitchen klutz. I have one more word of sage wisdom, never cook naked no matter how hot it is in your kitchen!
You said it! Cooking naked leads to bad things. Very bad
Hooray for delicious non-mutated planning to take over the world,”same thing we do every night Pinky” cookies!!!
Haha! Hooray!
They look absolutely scrummy, perhaps you cook have your own cook show, you look great standing there in a shower cap and suspenders..LOL xx00xx
Mollie and Alfie
A cooking show that tells you what NOT to do! I think I’d be good at that
This is very good advice. I don’t bake for a very simple reason: I instantly eat everything I bake. For example, I wouldn’t have time to take a pic, like you did. By the way, your cookies look really yummy.
Hehe, you only see half of the cookies, I ate the rest
And thanks, Lavinia!
I know people are making fun here but I absolutely get how suspenders can be helpful. Or maybe just a belt. Either way, you don’t see Julia Child with droopy drawers.
Exactly! Especially when your hands are covered in cookie dough and your pants are falling down, you can’t hike them up with without risking the dough in them!
You know what would be cool? Bacon suspenders. #nonsequitor
haha! YES!
God I want so many cookies right now. Thanks.
Go to them Lala, they’re calling for you
I see the light in the distance. I already had muffins, but cookies….they’re calling.
Step into the light. You know it’s what you want.
yes cookies are worth getting fat for… Betty C rules
Betty C is the BEST! I also love the little Pillsbury doughboy
I would have a go at your Teenage Mutant Ninja Cookies, or whatever you called them. If it was only for the sake of sharing a cookie with you and your Twelve Eyed Cyborg.
Haha! The Twelve Eyed Cyborg! I missed you and your Twelve Eyed Cyborg, you know.
You did? Oh, that’s nice. I wouldn’t know why, but it’s nice.
Yes, I haven’t forgotten about Captain Side-Effects! He saved my life a couple of times, you know.
Haha! Captain Side-Effects! I almost forgot about him
Just to let you know, if you ever make zombie cookies, I will have to come and kill them. Sorry, but those are the rules.
Aw man. Couldn’t we just eat them really fast?
Is there such a thing as bad chocolate chip? I think not!! Thanks for the delicious recipe.
You would be surprised how bad I used to make them! Glad you liked it, the recipe is from Betty Crocker
Hilarious! I just found your blog and I love it. Happy Valentine’s day.
Thanks! Happy Valentine’s Day!
On my way to check out your blog
Chocolate chip cookies are my favorite taste treat whenever I crave something sweet.
Mine too! Nothing can top chocolate chip cookies
Mmmm, cookies!! Those look delicious. I’ve had several mishaps while baking, so I feel your pain. Bravo for a successful batch!!!
Thanks!
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