For the first time ever I successfully made chocolate chip cookies.
I don’t have one of those ancient cook books passed down from my great-grandmother. For years I’ve been left to my own devices (clumsy, idiotic devices) to figure out how these things are made.
After a decade of unbaked burnt cookies (yes both, it’s possible), flour in my hair, and chocolate chips down my shirt, I finally made the perfect batch. They were completely done, no runny batter on the inside, nothing turned black. Just perfect, moist, edible cookies.
So what’s the secret to perfect cookies? Sure, the internet will tell you things like ‘use good quality and fresh ingredients’. But that will only take you so far. Here are the real secrets, a dummy-proof guide to perfect cookies:
- Don’t use a glass baking dish because you don’t have a cookie sheet.
- Don’t use questionable recipes from the internet.
- Always use an apron. And a shower cap. And suspenders for your pants.
- The less ingredients the better. No, not because they taste better, silly. Because that means there are less things to screw up.
- When you want a perfect batch of chocolate chip cookies never use the organic recipes no matter how much of a hippie you are. Things will go wrong. The agave nectar will turn on you. You will have dangerous radioactive mutant organic cookies that may try to take over the world.
- ‘All-purpose’ doesn’t always mean ALL purpose.
- Don’t bother trying to figure out the difference between all-purpose and self-rising flour.
- When in doubt don’t ask mom. Ask Betty Crocker. Or Nestle Toll House.
- If your cookies end up being unbaked on the inside, just eat them like that. Do not try to cook them on the stove. Don’t grill them either.
The most important thing to remember is that no matter how many times you throw up from one of your disastrous batches, no matter how much your self esteem is shattered after even your dog refuses to eat your cookies, never give up.
[for honest tips on how to avoid cookie disasters, click here]