Work Life

If Job Interviews Were Completely Honest

[Applicant fresh out of college, walks in and shakes hands with interviewer]

Interviewer: Ugh. Your hand is sweaty.

Applicant: Yeah. I almost had a panic attack. You people and your suits make me nervous.

Interviewer: That’s what they’re for. Don’t tell anyone.
Take a seat, and thank you for taking time to come in.

Applicant: It’s no problem. I’m unemployed and living on my parent’s couch, I didn’t have a lot to do. My World of Warcraft buddies will be online a little later, so it wasn’t much trouble.

Interviewer: Why are you interested in this job?

Applicant: Oh I’m not. I just, like, need one.
See, I went to college so that I could get a good job. But then I realized that I didn’t want a job. Well, not like yours. I want to live, you know? But I have this student loan to pay off. So I need a job. But I can’t get a job in any of my majors, because who does that right?

Interviewer: Mm-hmm. I understand. What was your major anyway?

Applicant: Economics. I have a minor in Gaming Management too.

Interviewer: Oh good. You’d be great for poker nights at Harrison’s. But Economics? Really?

Applicant: Yeah, I don’t know what I was thinking.

Interviewer: So do you have any qualities that would actually benefit our company?

Applicant: None whatsoever.

Interviewer: Fantastic! Nobody hear does, you’ll fit right in. Of course we won’t tell you that so we can keep paying you the bare minimum.

Applicant: I live for the bare minimum. That’s my work motto: Do the bare minimum!

Interviewer: What were some activities you participated in college?

Applicant: Activities? Well, I was vice president of the Hangover club. It wasn’t a club per say, more like volunteer work. I was in charge of hunting down all the easy morning classes for everyone to sleep through. And I went to a lot of keggers. It was pretty much like an activity. I’m pretty skilled at throwing out potted plants with barf in them.

Interviewer: Okay, good. We’ll put you on clean up duty for the office Christmas parties.
So let’s get this straight, the pay here is not good. Good? Nah, its peanuts. And we’ll be taking complete advantage of you and treating you like a robot. Only difference is, robots are smart you are not. Keep that in mind when I take all credit for the rare ideas that you have.

Applicant: That sounds great. Actually, it sounds horrible, but whatever right?

Interviewer: Right! In this economy you’re lucky to even get a job, even though we have a thousand vacancies. But you’re the Econ major. You know that.

Applicant: Sadly, I do.

Interviewer: Welcome to a life devoid of all happiness. You’re going to hate it here!

Applicant: I don’t look forward to it!

Unreal interview

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114 thoughts on “If Job Interviews Were Completely Honest

  1. This is a whole new level of awesome!! Thanks for the laughs (and obsessive head nodding… I’m a little scared at how much I identify with the applicant hahaha!)

  2. For me, this was love at first Warcraft reference. Great post lol. Like the old Dave Chapelle post, “Why do you want this job?” “Well, I’ve always had a passion for frozen yogurt…… C’mon, I’m broke!” lol

  3. When I did recruiting I swear I had some of these interviews. I did have one woman interview for a position reporting to me. First thing she said was, “Don’t worry, I don’t want your job.” Not an auspicious start. Unfortunately, I needed someone I could groom for my job so she was out.

    • Ha! You must have had some crazy applicants coming in, huh? I heard one about the opposite, the woman was so confidant she looked the interviewer right in the eye and told him “In one year I’ll have your job.” Poor guy got scared, so she was out.

  4. You skipped the part where the applicant says, “I don’t know the answer to that question but I’m going to keep talking and talking in the hopes that the avalanche of words will make it seem like I do, especially if I thrown it ‘paradigm’ and ‘cultural shift’ and ‘emergentableness’ which isn’t even a word but I know you’re not paying attention anyway.”
    Or something like that.

  5. Too funny miss! It has put me in mind of a interview I had once, a guy needed a secretary/adminstrative assistant, so he asks me if I would mind doing ‘overnighters’ once in a while. Oh yeah right. I didn’t know what to say! So I said I would have to talk to my husband, thinking it would put the guy off. That afternoon he shows up at my apartment! Scared the crap out of me! So I introduce him to my husband and the next day he calls and says I just wasn’t ‘right’ for the job. hahaha. True story!

  6. You had me from the title; I loved every word. Sometimes I wish the world would work like this, just because it would be a refreshing change. Of course, it also might quickly cease to function at all. :)

  7. I once went on a job interview where one of the first five quesitons was if I played golf – no joke – the rest of the interview, over three other interviewers, was spent talking about golf, and then college basketball. They called to offer me the job while I was still on my drive home…

  8. India sounds a lot like America … except you have better Indian food all over the place.
    My favorite interview was a phone one with a committee (library systems position at a university). They asked what music I liked and I mentioned Zappa – they wanted me to come work for them immediately. I also knew they had National Lentil Week – and that brought in the kudos… really, my experience was irrelevant.

    Worst one – a job interview where my stomach sank the minute they mentioned Quarterly Sales – I don’t have a good sense of that kind of stuff… it’s buinsess and econ… not my majors or minors..

    • Growing up in the States I used to think all these wild things about India. When you really look at it though, India isn’t all that different. I mean, it IS different, just not in the ways people usually think. And there’s all the Indian food of course :)

      Your favorite interview sounds perfect. Zappa and food, doesn’t really get better!

  9. Hahaha, so good! God those interviews are a joke, they are so phoney, such a silly way to even determine who should get the position.

    This post however was awesome and life would be so much better if job interviews were done this way lol!

    *Big honest nudie hugs* :)

    Rohan.

  10. So good… so, so good. You should be getting paid for this! In which case this script could somewhat ironically serve as your own job interview – how cool would that be lol.

    My brother just graduated law school and is now working as an insurance lawyer in Omaha, Nebraska – literal (go ahead and check a map) the middle of nowhere.
    Just last week he said to me, “Well, it’s official. I’m now jaded and cynical.”
    Poor kid.

    As pour moi, I got my office job after accepting a ride from a stranger in a bright red Porsche. http://savingcymbria.wordpress.com/2008/04/21/confessions-part-2/

  11. nice one!!
    you know, in an interview i gave a few years ago, i wanted to fart real bad, but didn’t want to, cause there was only one interviewer. if there were two, there would have been accusing glares all over. i wonder if i had farted in another alternate reality, what would have happened?
    *hissssssss*
    interviewer: ugh, had white radishes last night, did we?
    me: yes, very astute, sir!
    interviewer*blushes*: thanks. i get it all the time. because i schedule my interviews so early in the morning. my application to be a professional smell tester at the perfumery is pending. they are saying it is not the same thing, but i beg to differ. i know you had green peas too with your white radishes!
    me: oh my god, you should go work for dolce and gabbana and the like. your palate is so refined.
    interviewer blushes again.

    P.S. I didn’t get selected. after all that flattery. then it struck me. he smelled that the flattery was fake too!

    • Haha! In an alternate reality, people would be more fart-friendly. If we embrace each other’s bodily functions, the world might just be a better place :D
      Interviewer: Nice fart you got there. Better out than in, I always say. You’d fit right in on the 3rd floor.
      You: Woohoo!

  12. That sounds pretty familiar. A family friend actually set me up with the interview for my first real person job. I didn’t really want it, but I figured I’d pay some bills until something better came along. I ended up staying seven years.

  13. You’re so hilarious! I’ve been continuously reading your posts for the past half hour :D
    Wish I was as witty or talented as you. I recently started my blog & have no clue what to write about though my mind thinks at a speed of 100 thoughts/per sec :P
    Well, I just stopped by to say that I love your blog <3

  14. Wow! Scathingly honest and raucously funny (the workaday world IS truly that phony. I reckon that’s why my honesty gets me in so much trouble). LOL @ “Welcome to a life devoid of happiness”. Sounds like my gig!

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