Life

How to Wake Up

The beginning of 2014 meant the end of something very close to me.

I was heartbroken. We were together for years. It was the one thing I could count on. Every night I’d snuggle up to it, listening to its silent sounds as I fell asleep, knowing that it would be the first thing I would wake up to. It’d wake me up every morning. It was something I could count on. I cared for it, and I just know it cared about me too. It was love in the purest form.

My alarm clock stopped working.

You don’t understand! I’ve had the same one since I was seven years old. We’ve been through everything together, it travelled across continents with me. Sure it had started showing signs of old age; first the little light stopped working, and then the batteries needed changing every month. But it didn’t matter. Nothing could have replaced it. The relationship between a girl and her clock is complicated. Not once since we’d been together was I ever late for anything. And now, it’s been eight days and haven’t gotten up on time once.

I tried using my phone’s alarm app. It’s too much work, the thing expects me to solve math problems to disable it. Math so early in the morning?! We end up in screaming matches before sunrise. Sometimes I think I’d rather be slapped in the face than have to deal with math in the AM.

Sure I could just get a replacement clock. But it’s such a big commitment. If my old alarm clock was a person, he would be in high school by now. So I did what every good computer nerd does: research. Here are 10 of my favorites.

The Finger Dance Alarm Clock

finger-dance-alarm-clock

It’s dance dance revolution for your fingers! You dance with your fingers until the music stops. In theory, this looks like so much fun. But I really don’t think my hand-eye co-ordination is going to be at optimum levels for this so early in the morning. Not that my hand-eye co-ordination ever is at an optimum level.

The Money Shredding Alarm Clock

money-shredding-alarm-clock

This is only a concept alarm clock. And thank goodness for that. It sheds your money every time you oversleep. Effectiveness: 100%. I don’t think I’d be able to sleep knowing that if I don’t hear the alarm it would just shred my hard earned cash. Too much pressure! Although, it would make such a great Christmas present for some people…

 The Defusable Alarm Clock

defusable-alarm-clock

The kit comes with everything you need to build a scary looking clock. How many of you wanted to be a bomb diffuser when you grew up? Yeah, me neither. But I have new neighbors that don’t understand the concept of personal space, and this might be just the thing to get rid of them. Plus it ticks. What if someone were to, oh I don’t know, leave it on someone else’s door step? Mwhaha *rubs hands together super villain style*

The Smash Alarm Clock

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My name is Miss Four Eyes and I like smashing things. See, I grew up in a house that discouraged smashing of things. I never got to hit/bang/plonk [insert more comic action words here] anything. Ever. I once broke a pencil intentionally. I felt terrible! This is a guilt-free smashable clock right here. You smash the top to shut it off. Have you ever punched something first thing in the morning? I imagine it would feel good. Really, really good.

Coffee Time Alarm Clock

coffee-time-alarm-clock

After hours of searching I found the PERFECT one. Coffee. In bed. That’s the dream isn’t it? I can’t carry an entire conversation without some morning coffee first. This is finally a reason to get out of bed!
It’s a concept clock. Grrr.

The Nerd Alarm Clocks

darth-vader-projection-alarm-clockAPR131941-02 r2d2alarmclock_a1

Yes.

The Shock Clock

singnshock-alarm-clock

This is the SingNShock. You will get nightmare about this. It will haunt you in your sleep.
It plays music as loud as you can possibly handle. So what? Everything does that now. Even your toaster plays music. Try turning this alarm off, I dare you. The off button is triggered with an electric shock.

You: (sleepily reach for the snooze button)
It: ZAP!
You: (too sleepy to realize what’s going on. Try again.)
It: ZAP!
Your dog: (cocks head to the side) What is wrong with you?
You: (last try)
It: ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!

This one is really for those hardcore sleepers and shock enthusiasts. 

The Water Spray Alarm Clock

water-spray-alarm-clock

I always wondered why they hadn’t invented one of those clocks that slap you in the face if you oversleep. That would be very effective. This one launches a water attack on you. It’s like waking up and already having had a shower. Two birds, one stone?
I don’t know, I think it sounds like fun! Of course, I’m only saying that until I really get one. I think I might end up launching a water attack on it. I’d stay up all night just plotting a master plan, an attack strategy. For an inanimate object no less.

The Stripper Alarm clock.

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All I’m going to say is that despite everything about this thing, I want one.

The Bacon Alarm Clock

wake-and-bacon-alarm-clock1

Meet Wake’n Bacon, alarm clock perfection. You put a piece of frozen bacon in at night, wake up to bacon. Is there really much more to say? Breakfast is the single most effective motivation I need to get out of bed. I NEED this. If this little guy could make eggs and toast, I may end up marrying it.

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104 thoughts on “How to Wake Up

  1. Oh the things people dream up. Eating bacon in bed would just cause me to want more bacon and eventually, people probably develop some unhealthy Pavlovian response to sleeping and bacon, no? Now I’m off to Google stripper alarm clocks!

  2. The money shredding one would just make me too angry to use and the smash one would not be effective with me, since I would probably smash it off without even waking up. I’d vote for the coffee one. :)

  3. I love the R2D2 one! I know a lot of people who have coffeemakers in their bedrooms, so I guess that qualifies as an alarm clock.

    My money shredding alarm clock is my gym membership :-)

  4. But I love the smell of math in the morning… or is that bacon and coffee, it’s all the same delicous goodness to me.

    In truth I threw out my alarm clock about a week after my son was born. I haven’t been aloud to sleep in for four years. If I ever oversleep again I don’t think I would care one bit.

  5. These are such well-thought and innovative alarms! Which means if I buy these for myself then I will forever be in awe and never use them. Most of them atleast…..
    I’ll be gifting the defusable alarm clock to some people now *evil laugh*

  6. I haven’t had to set an alarm in years…..unless on vacation because my puppy dogs are good at letting us know the sun is up. Nothing like a lick on the nose or one sharp bark to say Good Morning Mom….if you don’t let me out, I’m gonna pee on the rug! LOL! I’m sorry your little friend went to alarm clock heaven :-(
    I hope you can find a good one to use cuz nuthin will ever replace your little clock….
    I like an old fashioned clock radio but I am a light sleeper and I would rarely hit the snooze button. Once I am awake….I’m awake *groan*
    Happy Hunting~ :-)

    • Aww, a lick on the nose. My dog is far less subtle. It’s a paw to the face for me. At 3 AM. :S
      Thanks, Courtney! Nothing could ever replace my clock, but a coffee machine might just come close ;)

      • I do love the smell of coffee in the morning……we set up our coffee pot to have it ready when we get up (sometimes). Mostly if we know we have a very early day. But I wouldn’t trade my lickies for nuthin! :-)

  7. Stripper clock: does it come with a function like if you touch it a tiny bouncer with misspelt tattoos comes out and breaks your legs?

    Because I imagine that would make it both horribly tacky and completely impractical and therefore the perfect gift.

  8. Alarm apps are evil. Way too complicated to set and turn off. I don’t want to admit in public how many times I’ve accidentally set my alarm for PM instead of AM. Now, if it made it bacon, that would be a whole different story.

  9. Sorry you lost your old friend.

    Though all of those alarm clocks are endearing, I personally think you should hire someone (maybe a cute guy) to start jumping on your bed or start a pillow fight with you. How fun would a little morning wrestling be?!?!

    Or you can just hire someone to slap you in the face?

  10. I understand the attachment to the old clock. I’ve got a can opener that has been with me through two relationships, 8 jobs and 12 apartments on 3 continents. It’s the most consistent thing in my life.

    Also: The defusable alarm clock looks like a fast and easy way to get put on a terrorist watch list.

  11. I don’t know what phone you use but with all my phones since my very first one, I’ve never had to push more than a couple buttons to disable the alarm – and with most, one is all it takes.

    I haven’t used a physical clock in years, the same way I don’t wear a watch anymore (why should I since my phone can fulfill this role perfectly?), but would I need one, I’d pick the defusable bomb: the guy who designed this had a stroke of genius! Also, my inner geek would love the Vader clock, especially if it wakes you up to the sound of the Imperial march. Ta ta ta ta tadaaa ta tadaaaa!

    The smashable one, if robust enough, is a good idea: who hasn’t broken at least one alarm clock by smashing it a bit too hard?
    The Enterprise seems to lack a little stability, hence would probably end up broken within a week.
    The money shredder is most likely illegal. Well, I don’t know how it is in other countries but here in France, it’s illegal to destroy money and you can get your @$$ sued for doing so.
    I strongly recommend avoiding the water spray: notwithstanding the fact of waking up angry for getting doused, it would also wet the mattress. Not. A. Good. Idea.

    Funny coincidence, I saw something related on TV only a couple days before you posted this: an alarm clock that inflates your mattress so that you’re actually forced to get up, whether you want it or not! The Japanese (who else?) invented this wicked torture device.

    • I read about that! It’s like it pulls off your blanket or something like that, right? Gotta love these crazy inventions.

      You get extra points for including almost all of them in your comment. ;)

        • Heh, reminds me of this belgian comic book Gaston Lagaffe: the title character is an impossibly lazy man (to the extent that his creator coined the expression “jolted asleep”) hired in an office and he always comes up with the craziest plans to sleep through his working hours. There’s this gag in which he hangs a sleeping bag inside his cabinet so he can doze off unnoticed.

          Anyway, it’s not about the position in itself: the point of this japanese alarm clock is that the swelling of the mattress wakes you by forcefully SHIFTING your position.

        • Also, the swelling feels very unnatural and uncomfortable since the mattress only inflates under your back but not under your head. Wicked, I said!

        • Unfortunately, though there are plenty of translations, there is no english version except for a few pages published in the 90′s. Some fans have made a few unofficial english translations that you can probably find online. There is also the occasional wordless gag, often involving Gaston’s pets. More details here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaston_(comics)

  12. Oh, wow! I want the coffee one. That one is tops. Bacon is a close second and then maybe the smashing one, although I might not be coordinated enough so early in the morning. I’m sorry you lost your alarm clock. It was such an important part of your life. I hope you memorialized it in some way. A shrine, perhaps?

  13. So, a perfect alarm clock would be a stripper in a Darth Vader helmet, who’s loudly making bacon and coffee, while shredding your money and zapping and spraying you with water until you wake up.

  14. Condolences to you on the loss of your old friend. I have never needed an alarm clock due to my fear of being late. This has it’s ups and downs, especially when you wake up every hour for fear it’s the hour you need to wake up, but all in all I’m good with it.

    • I’m torn, I want the coffee one. Because, COFFFEEEE!! But it’s a concept clock. Grrrrrr. Most likely I’ll pick a super nerdy one. One that exists and doesn’t break my heart like the bacon and coffee clocks.

  15. Love this post. A recent article lists alarm clocks as passe due to cell phones but I don’t want mine next to my head beeping at odd hours or awakening me by someone who still doesn’t know not to call before noon on a Saturday. BTW, my clock just recently died and a Capello “Sleep and Charge” is in the box on my nightstand…Last night my cell woke me several times with messages from Facebook. Gotta open that box….

    P.S. If you get that coffee clock going I’ll buy one!

  16. i definately need one with a big rubber hand attachment to slap me awake! had one of those light boxes i was to use while having breakfast after getting up.. fell asleep in front of it every morning.

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