I was never a girly girl. Recent studies have shown otherwise.
The world of lipstick and eye shadow never held any interest for me. Up until last year when I realized that makeup doesn’t have to make you look like this
It can make you look good, pretty even.
Naturally I was fascinated by this new world. An uncharted territory. A mystical place of glitter and that stuff that makes things disappear off one’s face. (Just so you know, you cannot make your nose disappear. It just can’t be done)
There was so much to learn. I found out first that lot of crap stuff is injected into slapped on gently patted on women’s faces like the delicate, dainty princesses they are.
So, like any normal person I Googled it.
Google search entry: How to put on eyeliner.
Do you have any idea how many types of eyeliner there are out there!? Only like a bazillion! You can’t just own one, oh no, you’ve got to use a combination of all of them!
Then once you’ve finally got that figured out, what about color? Here, thankfully, you can’t have a lot of colors. But you do have to carefully select the colors that make your eyes pop.
Google search entry: What are popping eyes? (don’t ever do this to yourself)
Google search entry: What is make eyes pop?
Then you’ve got to get the makeup brushes. It’s a jungle out there. I don’t understand how there can be so many instruments for the same basic function! There’s one they like to call the Smudge Brush, it performs the same operation as any of the fingers on your hands (toes too, if you’re that flexible).
So, now I have my bazillion formulas of eyeliner, in an eye-popping color, along with proper torture tools makeup brushes. Yay for me!
Cost: One gazillion dollars.
That’s it right? I’m done? It’s all over now?
After that, there’s foundation (a layer on top of your skin, that looks like your skin and feels like your skin, but isn’t your skin), concealer (this also goes on your face, but for some reason is green), lipstick, lip liner, lip gloss, eye shadow, face powder, blush, bronzer, mascara (a torture device used to poke out eyes of enemy soldiers), to name a few.
Google search entry: WTF do I need lip liner for?
Total cost: Four hundred squillion dollars.
So maybe you did make it past all the obstacles of color, formula, and brand (oh dear lord, don’t get me started on brand. Did you know that there are blogs out there to compare the same products of two different brands and conclude that they are in fact the same?). Done right? Now you’re all pretty and perfect?
Nope. In your dreams, buddy!
Now you’ve got to take care of your skin. What is that, you ask? Its stuff that goes under the mountain of makeup so that the makeup doesn’t ruin your skin. (However it hasn’t occurred to anyone that if said mountain of makeup was eradicated entirely, then skin care would not have been such a big deal. But then I’m a business student, and businesses usually run because people are stupid. So, I guess they win. Good for them!)
So first things first
Google search entry: What is a face pack?
A face pack is something that you don’t ever want to taste. It may smell yummy and fruity, but it is NOT for eating! Got that? Also, it will sting and burn when you put in on.
Google search entry: How can something that tastes bad and stings and burns be good for my skin?
Showing results for thou must not question the Gods of face packs
Face packs consume 15 minutes of my day every week, and I look like a scary green monster with it on. So what shall I do with 15 minutes without moving a single facial muscle? How about I read some blogs? Bad idea, Miss Four Eyes is nearly blind without her glasses, and blogs make her laugh creating cracks in the monster makeup thereby making her scarier. (My dog saw me like that once, she barked and ran away)
I think that’s enough makeup talk for today. I’ll let it all sink in.
Men of the world (and women for that matter), I just want to say that you should be appreciating all the effort we go through every morning to look presentable for you! So that YOU don’t peel YOUR eyes out of YOUR sockets when you look at us. We’re only thinking of you. We’re pretty generous that way. Also, don’t forget that its [CENSORED] expensive! I don’t ever want to hear you complain about us taking too long to get ready, or I might just tie you up in a chair and slap on you all the makeup I bought with your credit card.