Life and Other Funny Things

Don’t take your top off at a club

So heres the thing, I know you all think that when I say I’m a nerd I really mean that in an ironic way. You probably think that the glasses are just to distract you from my party girl persona. But the truth is, the glasses are very much prescription, a result of staring at computer screens for too long, not from staying out late partying. I really am a nerd, I can’t help it.

My friend Kat has taken to her head that I must go clubbing.
I’ve never been clubbing before, so I figured I’d get some advice from an experienced friend. He texted me:

I jus go 2 a club thts always popin u knw n I stick 2 it evn if its nt thtt good nways 2 hav a good time always b wichu homies u knw
Ohh yes the most imprtnt ting for us is we get wasted outa our minds hahahaahaha well at a point were we can control our shiitt. Hahahaahahah n make sure u knw hw 2 shake tht ass

(After decoding the text with a group of analysts) Here are my notes:

  1. Get homies (perhaps create posse?)
  2. Find popin club
  3. Get wasted, but control shit.
  4. Shake butt.
  5. Learn how to shake butt without looking like an idiot.

I got some more advice from another friend. I see now that advice from girls and advice from guys varies immensely

  1. Dress like a slug (she used another word, but I’m too much of a lady to use it) but don’t be a slug.
  2. Drinking makes guys cuter.
  3. Drinking will make the pain of high heels go away.
  4. Don’t lose yourself to alcohol.
  5. Don’t let him grope you.
  6. If someone touches your boobs while you’re dancing, shout at them.
  7. Don’t tweet anything.
  8. Don’t take your top off, it’s cheap.

I had several follow up question for her (Why on earth is anyone taking their top off?! Isn’t it understood that it needs to be ON?!), but I don’t think I really want to know.

Since she frightened me so much, I went to the one person I knew would make the nightmares go away: Mom.

Her advice:

  1. Don’t go clubbing
  2. We can bake cookies at home

Cookies?! I LOVE cookies!


Not pictured: Me, Cookies, Lady with top off


30 thoughts on “Don’t take your top off at a club

  1. I reserve clubbing for special events like birthdays or bachelorette parties. It’s fun to get dressed up every once awhile, but I’m usually more into cookies.

    Reading that text gave me a headache.

  2. I used to go clubbing all the time. It was fun. We frequented a Goth club, so there was a lot of black PVC and spiky things, and I would wear pale pink *because I can* so stop rolling your heavily-eyelinered eyes and get out of my face, metal bitch. Also, don’t mess with me because I’m a regular here and everyone loves me and will beat you up.

    My parents always used to complain that they didn’t like me going out to Kings Cross until all hours. One time I asked why, because I discovered they used to live in Kings Cross so obviously they had their own wild days. And mum said “There are scary people there”

    Then I checked out my own chunky boots and dog collar, and thought about my trenchcoated Goth friends and how people would cross the road to avoid us, and I told her “Mum, I AM one of the scary ones” and after that she wasn’t scared anymore. At least …. she didn’t try to argue anymore, which is the same result.

  3. Good luck, and I think the key point to remember is not to take anything too seriously. Accept the fact that you won’t have a conversation in there and just enjoy it for what it is. It’s just dancing to very loud music!
    *I use the word “dancing” in a very loose sense, here. Most people are too drunk to care 😉

  4. Pingback: Please Remove All Dignity Before Entering The Club « Tomarto Soup

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