Life and Other Funny Things

I recommend the cabbage roll

For my friend Tiger’s birthday we went to a fancy-shmancy restaurant where we got dressed up in little clothes and sipped cosmopolitans with our pinkies in the air. We also got to say Salaads. Emphasis on the ad part not the sa.

I even ate a Nappa Cabbage roll despite the fact that it looked like this:

Cabbage Roll

Advice from an idiot: Don’t ever be the first one at the table to try anything.

I tried to cut it in half delicately like the poised and graceful lady that I am, but it just wouldn’t cut! So then I tried to bite it, but it wouldn’t break off and started dripping down my chin. My friend started laughing, so I put the whole thing my mouth before anyone else noticed. Bad idea! I could barely chew it. And the worst part is, it tasted like cabbage. But Four Eyes, you’re saying, you said that it was a Nappa Cabbage roll. Yeah, but that doesn’t mean it should taste like plain cabbage! It needs to taste like something……like food! Not cabbage. Rolled up cabbage is not food. It’s just lazy.

The restaurant did make up for their weird foods in the service. The waiter was super nice, so was the bartender (who got orders from us that included colors, ‘Could we have something bright pink please?’). We got pictures with the both of them, because that’s just how we roll.

And just for you, I took a picture of their bathroom signs powder room indicators (5 star restaurants don’t have vulgar bathrooms, they have powder rooms wherein you will find no powder whatsoever)

Bathroom Sign

I went in as the robot

So what do you do if you’re in a swanky restaurant where it’s obvious that you simply do not belong? Do you try to fit in? Nah, you sing Happy Birthday four times very loudly. Once even in the bathroom powder room.

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22 thoughts on “I recommend the cabbage roll

    • Cabbage, you really need to step up your game! There will be a day when nobody will eat you, just like Mr. Zucchini.
      It was fun! Eventually, everybody decided to ignore the crazy women at table four

  1. My family make cabbage rolls for holidays. They are a mixture of rice, meat, and various spices, wrapped around by cabbage. Cabbage rolls are NOT just cabbage!!! That restaurant has got it ALL wrong… Did I mention that my family is imported from Lebanon…Well, at least, my mother was. She’s a camel. They refuse to tell me, but I’ve already figured it out. I’m …….. adopted.

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