Life and Other Funny Things

Fifty Shades of Shameful

Grey tie

I couldn’t post a picture of the book. I just couldn’t.

So I did it. I read Fifty Shades of Grey. But I’m kind of embarrassed to tell people. Not because I’m a prude, but because I finally caved and read it. I just liked the feeling of superiority of not having read it. And now look at me, I’ve been colored fifty shades of shameful.

You know, after I read the Twilight series I told Dee that I would write a book too. It would be just as stupid as Twilight, except I’d make them do it a whole bunch and the girl would cry afterwards because the love they made was sooooo beautiful. Women around the world would eat it up like low fat brownies and I would be a millionaire! The whole book would be a big fat joke, but when they interviewed me for it I’d spout out stuff like “it’s about love and Eddy and Bell’s deep connection to one another”. E.L. James beat me to it. And for that, I respect her.

Even though I might have dozed off while they were having sex, and despite the fact that the book may have destroyed my faith in God every time I prayed for it to get better, I did learn some very important things:

  • I don’t want anyone to call me ‘baby’ ever.
  • I will never again say that I like vanilla ice cream because it goes with everything.
  • It seems grey is a sexy color. Who knew? I always thought of it as a grandma color. I don’t really wear a lot grey. Probably for the best then.
  • I’ve never been more thankful of kicking that horrible habit of saying Jeez when I was 11.
  • I think I might be open to props. I remember that I used to love playing cop as a kid. Nothing. Nevermind.
  • I will never be able to use the word ‘hot’ again. I can’t even look at it, the word makes me cringe. ‘Oppressively warm’ is my new substitute.

The most important thing I learnt was that even though you have a really stupid idea that everyone will absolutely hate, if you can make a million dollars off of it, just go with it! ’Cause in the end, you can always make more money off of the haters.

Fun Fact: Ana says the word ‘Holy’ 147 times. That is every 3.5 pages.

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55 thoughts on “Fifty Shades of Shameful

  1. Miss Four Eyes,
    Can you believe that up to not too long ago, I thought FSOG was written by a man? That it’s uber misogynist nature could have only have been written by a dumb ass male?
    Le Clown

  2. ” the book may have destroyed my faith in God every time I prayed for it to get better” LOLOLOLOLOLOL!

    I read it too. And the second one. I’m totally embarrassed and hate myself for it. But it is kind of amazing how that horrible writing has inspired me to write more. No matter what my writing will never be as shitty as E.L. James’ (I hope).

  3. I’m reading it… slowly. I swear, there is nothing less erotic than reading… “His manhood is so big. Holy Cow!”

    I think my biggest grip so far is the fact that the characters think and speak like British people… in Seattle. I would think that any decent editor would advise to change the dialogue or change the location.

    But yes, so far I am coming to the same conclusions about the book, and also secretly wish I could write a multi-million dollar junk novel. 😉

    • I don’t see why she couldn’t have had the characters be British, and live in Europe. What difference would it have made? But then again, if she’d thought out the book like that, she wouldn’t have made Ana ever say the words ‘Jeez’ or ‘Holy’ so many times either. Take the Holy Cows away! Delete! DELETE!
      I say, go for it! Write your book! If E.L. James can, you can! I’ll be your first reader 🙂

    • I admire your colleague. I’d never be able to leave Fifty Shades on my desk, for fear that people would see it and judge me for it. Only the most secure women are brave enough to do that.
      Thanks for reading!

  4. Yeah, I think the joke’s always on us, in terms of your reference about writing something just to play on trend — these people stay up late to figure out ways to lure us with marketing and all that stuff — we eat it up!

  5. I like how your embarrassment about telling people you read that book doesn’t seem to extend to publishing your shame on the internet. Because otherwise I would never had the chance to read this post and laughed so loudly about how you’re open to props. I mean … nevermind.

    • I don’t understand this either. None of my friends know that I actually took the time to read all three of those books, but I have no problem at all announcing this to the rest of the world.
      Yes, nevermind. I fear that future boyfriends might get unrealistic expectations.

  6. Despite all the women reading this book- I have yet to meet one that loves the book for its potential arousal factor…what’s all the hype? Is this more the Intro to Kama Sutra book?

  7. I’m sorry this book ruined vanilla ice cream and “hot” for you. (Although, vanilla ice cream really does go with everything, even stuff it’s not supposed to go with.) I have not bothered with Fifty Shades because I get all my porn from fanfiction.

      • I don’t get why liking fanfiction is such a dirty secret (pun intended). There’s actually some really good stories out there. Some of them aren’t even porn!

        Trivia: Kirk/Spock fanfiction is one of the earliest fandoms, and may be where the term “slash” originated.

        • I guess people have it wired into theirs minds, fanfiction = porn, porn = secret. But, yeah, some are really good. Good enough to be real books, I wonder why they picked E.L. James
          Thanks for the bit of trivia! I didn’t know that

  8. Ive not read it either, but then from your other post about the boss guy who got his male PA to read it so one or both of them could pleasure boss mans wife I am not sure if you expect guys to read it.

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