So I did it. I read Fifty Shades of Grey. But I’m kind of embarrassed to tell people. Not because I’m a prude, but because I finally caved and read it. I just liked the feeling of superiority of not having read it. And now look at me, I’ve been colored fifty shades of shameful.
You know, after I read the Twilight series I told Dee that I would write a book too. It would be just as stupid as Twilight, except I’d make them do it a whole bunch and the girl would cry afterwards because the love they made was sooooo beautiful. Women around the world would eat it up like low fat brownies and I would be a millionaire! The whole book would be a big fat joke, but when they interviewed me for it I’d spout out stuff like “it’s about love and Eddy and Bell’s deep connection to one another”. E.L. James beat me to it. And for that, I respect her.
Even though I might have dozed off while they were having sex, and despite the fact that the book may have destroyed my faith in God every time I prayed for it to get better, I did learn some very important things:
- I don’t want anyone to call me ‘baby’ ever.
- I will never again say that I like vanilla ice cream because it goes with everything.
- It seems grey is a sexy color. Who knew? I always thought of it as a grandma color. I don’t really wear a lot grey. Probably for the best then.
- I’ve never been more thankful of kicking that horrible habit of saying Jeez when I was 11.
- I think I might be open to props. I remember that I used to love playing cop as a kid. Nothing. Nevermind.
- I will never be able to use the word ‘hot’ again. I can’t even look at it, the word makes me cringe. ‘Oppressively warm’ is my new substitute.
The most important thing I learnt was that even though you have a really stupid idea that everyone will absolutely hate, if you can make a million dollars off of it, just go with it! ’Cause in the end, you can always make more money off of the haters.
Fun Fact: Ana says the word ‘Holy’ 147 times. That is every 3.5 pages.