Life and Other Funny Things

I’m in a threesome.

My friend got engaged.

This is what went through my head when she told me:

What? No! Now you’re off the market. Then Pregnancy-Fetish-Friend will be off the market, and then everyone will be off the market, except me. I’ll be there selling stock that nobody wants to buy. The market will be empty and they’ll pack up and leave! Just like flash sales. Except I’m the ugly shoes nobody wanted to buy even at $2.75! Because I didn’t have the other pair. Nobody wants shoes without a matching pair. Only crazy people wear mismatched shoes. But even crazy people don’t want me! But then, I don’t really want a wacko either. My standards are just too high! Why must I read so many books?! Oh, God. Ana Spank-me Steele said that too. What is wrong with me?! Why am I thinking about Fifty Shades of Garbage when Friend-Who-Is-Engaged tells me that she is engaged?! There is something terribly wrong with me! No, EVERYTHING is wrong with me. That is why I’m not the one who is engaged. That is why I don’t even have a boyfriend. Oh no! Maybe I’m bad in bed! That’s it! I’m horrible in bed, like a little rabbit that comes out of hiding when the lights finally go down, twitching my little whiskers to check if the coast is clear. What am I saying? The coast shouldn’t be CLEAR! It should be the opposite of clear! I must make my ancestors very sad. They invented the best book of all time, the Kama Sutra! And look at me, I haven’t done anything even remotely exciting. Oh no! What if the entire world loves Fifty Shades, because it is relatable! What if that is what everyone is doing while I stuff myself with cold pizza that I cried into all night? I’ve never done any of that. I’ve never even been in the obligatory college threesome! This is because nobody wants to be in a threesome with me! But what if it’s because they think I’m a prude? Maybe that’s it. Maybe people just think I’m too vanilla to do anything exciting. Maybe if I just put myself out there people would want to be in a threesome with me and my stock would actually go up because it’s sold out.

“If you have a threesome, will you pick one of us?”

Did you know that this is NOT an appropriate question after your friend tells you she found the man of her dreams? But for some reason ‘How much do you think the ring costs?!’ is a completely appropriate question.

Anyway, after a very long discussion about what exactly went through my head before I said that, and a lot of convincing on my part that I am not completely insane yet, she picked me. Reluctantly, but she picked me anyway! So, um, yay! I think.

So I guess my ancestors would like me to ask if you guys would like to join us. I must have finely lost all my screws because I think I just gave a free invitation to an orgy of some kind. Very well then, $4 per person.

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29 thoughts on “I’m in a threesome.

  1. Your standards are just fine. You are just fine. Your amazing words weaved their way right into my heart. You are not that extra pair of shoes without the matching mate! you are the wise one that is waiting for the perfect fit! Too many young girls don’t wait…. and never get to read “And they lived happily ever after” you my dear might not be engaged today but I get you get to the happy ending (no pun intended) and some of those engaged buddies of you… well while you are experiencing your happy ending… unfortunately they may be filing for divorce cuzzz they settled for the shoes that didn’t fit just right and got a blister!

  2. Now that I’ve moved and I need some bathroom accessories I thought about a nice housewarming party, but nobody ever gives you things for the bathroom right? It’s mostly food, then it came to my mind that I could throw a house warming orgy, so everybody brings things for before and after, including towels and shower mat. I created the event on facebook and nobody has confirmed yet, am I that gross? I asked myself.
    4$ sounds like a reasonable price, it’s more than what a pair of mismatched shoes would cost but it’s worth it.

    • That is a beyond brilliant idea! I’m trying this when I get a house!
      You are not gross, people are just too stuck up to admit exactly how much they want to be there. People are just so weird that way.

    • There was only one shoe, there’s the three of us, it made sense. Plus, you can’t keep your price too low otherwise people might think we’re like some of those cheap hookers. Which, of course, we are not!
      Aw, Kay, thanks! As always, you are so sweet, but I’m sorry I can’t invite you to our orgy.

  3. $4 is like £2.75 I think you should at least go for $10… jokes aside though, from what I can see from the tree kissing picture way up there ^ there is nothing wrong with you (as you seem to indicate from this post)… but then you maybe joking and this is your humour, so Ill stop now in case I am digging a deep hole for myself.

  4. Pingback: Hello, Someone. Nice to meet you. | Miss Four Eyes

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