My wild weekend consisted of visiting my hunky dentist. What girl doesn’t love lying on a chair for hours with her mouth open while a handsome man’s face is so close to hers that she can almost bite his chin dimples (aka face butt)?
“You could have such perfect teeth.” he said. Sigh. Dr. Honcho said that I could have perfect teeth!
I should’ve seen it coming. I was too blind from staring at his freakishly white teeth to see what was going on. He gave me a retainer. A RETAINER! That…….that….unattractive person!
No! No, I take it back! I didn’t mean it. He’ll always be beautiful. Michaelangelo’s David pales in comparison (and not just because Dr. Hot Stuff goes a teeny bit overboard with his spray tans)
Things you should know about retainers:
- I have a lisshhp. I can’t even say the word lisp.
- Spit gets stuck in the upper wall of the retainer. This means that I cannot properly spit on the sidewalk like a
slobby truck drivermanly man anymore
- Do you have any idea how hard it is to handle that many things in your mouth at a time? First it’s my tongue, the retainer, and the extra saliva. Add another tongue and it gets to be too much! Especially if he/she has mouth piercings.
- This may or may not be considered a good thing depending on how you see it. When I sneeze, there isn’t as much snot anymore. The retainer stops it the same way it holds all the saliva. So now sneezing is less gross! Kind of…
- Another Pro is that I will have hunky-dentist attracting teeth in six to nine months!
- Until then, bye-bye making out with random college seniors that are too stupid to know that ineffable does not mean what they think it means. I need to find a new hobby now.
Oh, and the retainer is pink, because I’m a girl.
Thus commence re-runs of middle school horrors. Because once was not enough.