Life and Other Funny Things

The Inability to Spit Like a Man

My wild weekend consisted of visiting my hunky dentist. What girl doesn’t love lying on a chair for hours with her mouth open while a handsome man’s face is so close to hers that she can almost bite his chin dimples (aka face butt)?
“You could have such perfect teeth.” he said. Sigh. Dr. Honcho said that I could have perfect teeth!

Dentist

Dreamy, isn’t he?

I should’ve seen it coming. I was too blind from staring at his freakishly white teeth to see what was going on. He gave me a retainer. A RETAINER! That…….that….unattractive person!

No! No, I take it back! I didn’t mean it. He’ll always be beautiful. Michaelangelo’s David pales in comparison (and not just because Dr. Hot Stuff goes a teeny bit overboard with his spray tans)

Things you should know about retainers:

  • I have a lisshhp. I can’t even say the word lisp.
  • Spit gets stuck in the upper wall of the retainer. This means that I cannot properly spit on the sidewalk like a slobby truck driver manly man anymore
Man Spitting

Manly.

  • Do you have any idea how hard it is to handle that many things in your mouth at a time? First it’s my tongue, the retainer, and the extra saliva. Add another tongue and it gets to be too much! Especially if he/she has mouth piercings.
  • This may or may not be considered a good thing depending on how you see it. When I sneeze, there isn’t as much snot anymore. The retainer stops it the same way it holds all the saliva. So now sneezing is less gross! Kind of…
  • Another Pro is that I will have hunky-dentist attracting teeth in six to nine months!
  • Until then, bye-bye making out with random college seniors that are too stupid to know that ineffable does not mean what they think it means. I need to find a new hobby now.

Oh, and the retainer is pink, because I’m a girl.
Thus commence re-runs of middle school horrors. Because once was not enough.

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32 thoughts on “The Inability to Spit Like a Man

  1. You poor thing! Retainers sound vile; you have my sympathy. You should definitely try to develop your relationship with this dentist, however. Try winking slyly or licking your lips seductively. If it backfires, you can blame the winking on the bright lights and the lips on the funny taste of their gloves. There you go, simple ideas of how to seduce a medical professional whilst retaining a little dignity…

  2. I love this post. Although I have to say, after I got my braces off (I had braces as an adult), I loved wearing my retainer! I guess I always grew up thinking retainers were super nerdy and cute, so I liked the idea of finally having one. I don’t think anyone besides me thought it was cute though.

    • I like that, nerdy is cute!
      It’s just that with the glasses AND the retainer, I think it’s less cute and more Ugly Betty. But then I always liked Ugly Betty 🙂

    • Haha, my friend looks like she wants to scream. She can’t understand most of what I’m saying, so I make it better by singing for her with my lisshhp 😀

    • He said six to nine months. Hopefully this is just an excuse to see me again……….or get rid of me for six to nine months. For my self-esteem, I’m going with the first one

      P.S. The word ineffable secretly makes me laugh no matter how it’s used.

  3. Very funny 🙂 Is it one of those ‘invisalign’ things that straighten your teeth eventually? I used to have a hot dentist too, it’s rather strange being prone in a recliner chair while a hot guy ‘works on you’, LOL!

  4. Even without a retainer, I can’t spit like a man. I learned that the hard way this weekend…when I was sick…and coughed up something gross. When I spit it out…it ended up on my chin and…wait for it…in my hair!

    • Haha! It’s okay, you spit like a lady. Some people might find that adorable :). I spit like a frog now. I’m not exactly sure if frogs spit, but if they did, they’d look like me spitting with my retainer.

    • He’d flirt with you for hours before he tells you that you could have such perfect teeth. Then before you know it, you’ve got a retainer, a broken heart, and the inability to trust any dentist ever again!
      Don’t go.

  5. No fair. You have a hot dentist. I was at the dentist yesterday and there was no hotness, no “you have perfect teeth” for me.
    On the plus side, and I only feel a tiny bit bad about this, you made me Lol.
    Oh and I think that ineffable is an awesome word

    • I’ll let you in on a secret. You have to pretend that they’re hot, because otherwise all those extractions and root canals hurt like crazy! The pretend hotness makes everything better 🙂
      Ineffable is an awesome word! So….versatile

    • You never know how wonderful it is until you can’t spit anymore. Then you have to go around asking every man you know (and random people on the street) to spit like a cowboy before you forget that the talent exists entirely

  6. will the retainer actually do anything? i hear they only have a temporary effect and once you stop using them, the teeth go right back again.

    i over salivate. i also over perspire. i hear it’s an italian-metabolism thing. keeps me thin though. i’ll take it. and sometimes the saliva comes in handy.

    • I really don’t know. He was explaining it to me, but I was too busy gazing lovingly into his eyes to listen. I’m hoping it’ll do something. Maybe then my dentist will want to gave lovingly into my eyes. Sigh. A girl can dream

      Since I got my retainer, I don’t salivate enough, so maybe it’ll help you? As for the perspiration, I hear in some countries it’s considered sexy to sweat a lot, so good for you!

      • well, it’s like like i stain my shirts all day. it’s that if i’m working out, i’im a little more coated than most people. but i’m okay with that. when i play tennis, i’ll rub some baby oil on myself for two reasons. 1. i’m a tanner from the 70’s and 80’s who denies melanoma and 2. it enhances the amount of sweat that’s visible, and it sometimes will visibly fly off my arms. yeah, i do possess a tad of vanity. and when my tan is darker, the sweat glistens even more, and then … um … i think i’m in love.

  7. Pingback: Guest Post: MissFourEyes Dreams of Super Heroes | rarasaur

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