My delightful neighbors were having work done at their place (for a change it’s not on their noses). “Sorry for the inconvenience, Four Eyesy” she said. Adding a ‘y’ at the end of my name does not make it cute. Neither does that shirt I’m sure I saw in Gap’s kid section.
I don’t know what they did but the internet was gone. “Sorry, doll, it got, like, disconnected.” WHAT!??! “Yeah, the guy said he’d look into it.”
Grrrr. You don’t know this about me, but I cannot function without the internet. What am I supposed to do? Knit?! I’ll need the internet to learn how to knit first.
After some phone calls a long chat with the ever wonderful customer service reps, they said that they’d fix it by Wednesday. Yeah right! I also found out that the cables for the internet were chewed up by a rat. Fabulous.
Here is my survival guide to living without life’s necessities:
Monday night : No internet.
Freak out. Calm down an hour later and attempt to do sit-ups to burn off extra energy. Get all the way to 9.5
Tuesday morning: No internet. No electricity.
Excruciating pain in abdominal muscles. Go banging on neighbor’s door for an explanation (about electricity not muscles). “Sorry, babe, it’s like gone.” Electricity won’t be back until Wednesday evening.
Tuesday night: 34 hours without internet. 12 hours without electricity.
Decide to eat all ice cream before it becomes soup.
Wednesday morning: 46 hours without internet. Electricity back!
Find rotting food in fridge. Also find that laptop is not working. Attempt to kill self (unsuccessfully due to lack of internet for tips).
Wednesday night: 58 hours, no internet. Electricity gone again.
Plot ways to kill neighbor (Rat poisoning?).
Attempt to cook by trying to melt frozen peas over candle. Fail and melt chocolate over candle instead. Delicious!
Fun fact: Frozen peas might just get you through the upcoming Armageddon.
Thursday morning: Internet back!! Who cares about electricity?
Laptop still not working. @#$%! Manage to access internet on archaic phone. Assure self that internet addiction is just a myth. Internet gone five minutes later. Begin weeping.
Thursday night: Nothing. Just darkness. Physical and mental.
Princess Fussypaws finds cable-eating rat. Too numb to contemplate that dog really is a murderer.
Friday morning: Feels like death
Google how to fix computer on friend’s phone. Fix computer and commence showering it with kisses.
Friday night: Both internet and electricity back!
Google How to survive without internet for future reference. Declare impossible.
Saturday morning: Neighbor
Throw party. Realize that friends are too sleepy and hungover to attend party at 6 am.
You would think that after all that I would be applauded. But no. It was like living in the wild. Without all the dangerous animals, mosquitoes, and lack of plumbing, that is.