Life and Other Funny Things

Almost like surviving in the wild

My delightful neighbors were having work done at their place (for a change it’s not on their noses). “Sorry for the inconvenience, Four Eyesy” she said. Adding a ‘y’ at the end of my name does not make it cute. Neither does that shirt I’m sure I saw in Gap’s kid section.

I don’t know what they did but the internet was gone. “Sorry, doll, it got, like, disconnected.” WHAT!??! “Yeah, the guy said he’d look into it.”

Grrrr. You don’t know this about me, but I cannot function without the internet. What am I supposed to do? Knit?! I’ll need the internet to learn how to knit first.

Internet Addiction

This is not me. I would never use a CRT.

After some phone calls a long chat with the ever wonderful customer service reps, they said that they’d fix it by Wednesday. Yeah right! I also found out that the cables for the internet were chewed up by a rat. Fabulous.

Here is my survival guide to living without life’s necessities:

Monday night : No internet.
Freak out. Calm down an hour later and attempt to do sit-ups to burn off extra energy. Get all the way to 9.5

Tuesday morning: No internet. No electricity.
Excruciating pain in abdominal muscles. Go banging on neighbor’s door for an explanation (about electricity not muscles). “Sorry, babe, it’s like gone.” Electricity won’t be back until Wednesday evening.

Tuesday night: 34 hours without internet. 12 hours without electricity.
Decide to eat all ice cream before it becomes soup.

Melted Ice Cream

Beautiful, beautiful torture

Wednesday morning: 46 hours without internet. Electricity back!
Find rotting food in fridge. Also find that laptop is not working. Attempt to kill self (unsuccessfully due to lack of internet for tips).

Wednesday night: 58 hours, no internet. Electricity gone again.
Plot ways to kill neighbor (Rat poisoning?).
Attempt to cook by trying to melt frozen peas over candle. Fail and melt chocolate over candle instead. Delicious!

Fun fact: Frozen peas might just get you through the upcoming Armageddon.

Thursday morning: Internet back!! Who cares about electricity?
Laptop still not working. @#$%! Manage to access internet on archaic phone. Assure self that internet addiction is just a myth. Internet gone five minutes later. Begin weeping.

Thursday night: Nothing. Just darkness. Physical and mental.
Princess Fussypaws finds cable-eating rat. Too numb to contemplate that dog really is a murderer.

Dog killed rat

Not Cujo. A warrior princess, like Xena.

Friday morning: Feels like death
Google how to fix computer on friend’s phone. Fix computer and commence showering it with kisses.

kiss_computer

I missed you so much, *muah* *muah*, yes I did, *muah* *muah*, yes, I missed you, *muah* *muah*!

Friday night: Both internet and electricity back!
Google How to survive without internet for future reference. Declare impossible.

Saturday morning: Neighbor dead gone!
Throw party. Realize that friends are too sleepy and hungover to attend party at 6 am.

You would think that after all that I would be applauded. But no. It was like living in the wild. Without all the dangerous animals, mosquitoes, and lack of plumbing, that is.

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51 thoughts on “Almost like surviving in the wild

  1. OMG..If I lost my internet for an hour, I would be on Valium, the men in white coats would be carrying me, kicking and screaming out the door ( after I had killed the neighbors ) Addicted..Never! Loved the post, thanks for the laugh 🙂 xx00xx
    Mollie and Alfie

  2. Last time I was without internet that long, I got kind of twitchy. The way the students at my old workplace would get during Fall semester when there were very few holidays. Nothing overt, but it felt as if something really violent would happen at any moment. Call all your providers and make sure they prorate you for the week.

  3. I don’t do well without Le Internet. I’d like to say I was sooo good on my computer vacation but yeah right. I need it like freaking air. My computer was out of commission a few days once and I swear I got actual withdrawl.

    • I know exactly what you mean. I begged my friend for her phone to do one Google search, just one. The network there was terrible and the page didn’t even load after I pressed Search, but man did I feel better!

    • I’m guessing the answer should be: Don’t be so reliant on the internet?
      But I also learned that ice cream does not actually taste better in larger quantities, as I used to think when I was five. And that my sound proof earphones are not actually all that sound proof.
      But yeah, less reliance on the internet. Probably good for us all

  4. Wow, I don’t know how you managed for that long without internet! You’re an inspiration to us all! Also, your neighbours are idiots and should refrain from trying to improve their hovel.

    • I don’t know how I did it either. Maybe it was the ice cream, maybe I’d gone temporarily (or now permanently, who can tell?) insane! Like Tom Hanks from Cast Away, my only friend was a torn up volleyball in a ice cream tub hat.

    • Thanks, Ritika, I’m so much better now. I can feel my mental sanity returning along with the ability to defrost peas the right way.
      But does it really trump being called doll? ‘Cause I was without internet for only about four days, but I hear her call me doll every other day. And this will probably continue for the rest of my life . ERRMAHGAD!

  5. That sucks! My husband accidentally crushed my laptop on Thursday. Lucky for my day job sitting in front of a computer all day or I’d be dead by now.

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