I think we can all agree that Halloween is one of the most terrifying holidays, right after Christmas. So you’re probably hiding under your bed in preparation of the upcoming horrors like people at work dressed as mammograms, dangerous kids pounding your door down for candy, and the man who is dressed as a convict but is actually a very real convict. Don’t worry, Miss Four Eyes is here to help*!
Halloween Survival Guide:
- Wear a costume- Don’t be the idiot that didn’t wear a costume. It can be anything. Wear your boss’s face as mask and put a noose around your neck if you have to. Just do something. Also, if you are a man with six pack (or more) abs, then it is your rightful duty to go as a shirtless fireman.
- Stock up on candy– The neighbor’s kids will attempt to kill you if you don’t give them candy. No apples, nothing with nutritional value. C-A-N-D-Y. And preferably not the super cheap one cent ones either. The kids’ teeth will fall off trying to chew them, and the parents will come to you with the dental bills.
- Appropriate decorations- Personally I think, this is really just optional. Whatever you do, don’t try to be ironic with Christmas decorations, that’s just weird. If you do want to go for ironic, nix the decorations entirely. That way yours will be the only house without “scary” decorations that are actually adorable, in turn making your house legitimately scary. It’ll be like an abandoned house with cold heartless people who hate decorations.
- Don’t invite the convict in – this is a bad idea from the start because not only will you be charged for housing a fugitive, you’ll also have to share your candy.
Oh, I never told you what to do about mammogram guy. This man has been driving in doucheville for too long to make his way back. In his head it’s October and he’s raising awareness for a good cause. Just go with it.
Enjoy your Halloween everyone!
*Never take advice from anyone who is blind on Halloween because they can’t wear glasses with their costume.