Life and Other Funny Things

Surviving Halloween

I think we can all agree that Halloween is one of the most terrifying holidays, right after Christmas. So you’re probably hiding under your bed in preparation of the upcoming horrors like people at work dressed as mammograms, dangerous kids pounding your door down for candy, and the man who is dressed as a convict but is actually a very real convict. Don’t worry, Miss Four Eyes is here to help*!

Halloween Survival Guide:

  1. Wear a costume- Don’t be the idiot that didn’t wear a costume. It can be anything. Wear your boss’s face as mask and put a noose around your neck if you have to. Just do something. Also, if you are a man with six pack (or more) abs, then it is your rightful duty to go as a shirtless fireman.
  2. Stock up on candy– The neighbor’s kids will attempt to kill you if you don’t give them candy. No apples, nothing with nutritional value. C-A-N-D-Y. And preferably not the super cheap one cent ones either. The kids’ teeth will fall off trying to chew them, and the parents will come to you with the dental bills.
  3. Appropriate decorations- Personally I think, this is really just optional. Whatever you do, don’t try to be ironic with Christmas decorations, that’s just weird. If you do want to go for ironic, nix the decorations entirely. That way yours will be the only house without “scary” decorations that are actually adorable, in turn making your house legitimately scary. It’ll be like an abandoned house with cold heartless people who hate decorations.
  4. Don’t invite the convict in – this is a bad idea from the start because not only will you be charged for housing a fugitive, you’ll also have to share your candy.

Oh, I never told you what to do about mammogram guy. This man has been driving in doucheville for too long to make his way back. In his head it’s October and he’s raising awareness for a good cause. Just go with it.

mammogram-costume

Enjoy your Halloween everyone!

*Never take advice from anyone who is blind on Halloween because they can’t wear glasses with their costume.

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37 thoughts on “Surviving Halloween

  1. I have an abandoned house with cold people in it! Except Thing Two is Princess Leia and does all our decorating which makes it interesting. I have a post on this on actual Halloween day. I agree about the shirtless fireman and I want to give the guy in the Mammogram box a prostate exam by Karate kick.

    • Bananas are always the best! Mostly because Snow White instilled a fear of apples from strangers. When I was little, they’d open the door to hand me a bright red apple and I’d run away screaming!

  2. Number 1: great advice. Though one year, my brother’s roommate just put on a towel, to go as “fresh out of the shower” and all the girls kept ripping his towel off to see what was underneath!! (luckily he was smart and wore boxers)

    • I wish you good luck! I’m hoping I survive this year unscathed too. It’s not that there is actually any danger, it’s just that I cannot see without my glasses and tend to walk right into little ghosts and mini cowboys

  3. You so crazy! Love it!

    This effin ‘Sandy’ effin up my Halloween!

    I’ll be damned! I’m listening to my haunted house CD surrounded by my Halloween festooned apartment — yeah! Your post helps to get me into the spirit!

    That mammogram guy makes me happy. I’m glad he found his way to your blog.

    • Your apartment sounds awesome! I can’t even have a scary looking doll in my place. I keep thinking that it’s going to get up and start spontaneously dancing in the halloween spirit :shock:. All decorations are outside.
      That mammogram guy makes me laugh, I wish I could meet him

  4. We don’t get trick or treaters on our street, unfortunately. I love giving candy out, too. I can put out peanuts for the squirrels, I guess, but they never even say thanks.

  5. I love to give kids little pearls of wisdom written on napkins. There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a 4-year-old get a piece of paper that says, “Always be an ‘over’ toilet paper person, and not one of those weirdos who puts it under.”

  6. Got the Halloween candy. I always buy stuff I like, just in case there’s leftovers. Got a pair of Halloween socks (they have little ghosites on them) and a t-shirt that says “Happy Halloween.” So I’m good to go when all the little Avengers, Princesses, and their handlers show up tomorrow.

    • I love halloween leftovers! They are better than stuff you steal from unsuspecting kids because you never know which ones have expired/been poisoned.
      And your socks sound awesome! 😀
      Happy Halloween!

  7. You know, that douche needs to update his costume with an arrow or two. Does he really want the ladies to have to think about it before they realize the cut-outs mean he wants to go play on the lake? I mean, signs like these are often above not below… so without any arrows for further direction I might think that he has a magic hug that detects cancer in boobs… I’m just sayn’.

    Also, I think I might kick him in the groin myself.

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