Alice from AliceAtWonderland inspired today’s post. She’s trying to lose some weight. (and doing a great job, btw. She’s being very honest with herself and the internet) But losing weight means regularly checking your weight.
To me, weighing yourself is like a calling a hooker. YOU asked for her. YOU asked for the girlfriend experience. And yet YOU are ashamed when it’s over.
I know what that’s like. Oh man do I know what that feels like (I can see why you would think I mean the hooker part, but no). I used to be a fatty. I ate like a bunny for some years, and now I fit into a single digit dress size.
I’ve had a love-hate relationship with my weighing scale for a very long time, and over the years I have successfully learnt the tricks of weighing yourself in the most accurate manner.
- All weighing must be done on a manual scale. The kind with the little arrow that you can torture by jumping up and down on the scale (dance, little arrow, dance!). None of those electronic ones. Way too accurate. Do you really want to know that your poop weighs exactly 17.8 oz?
- Speaking of poop, take a dump first. Oh I’m sorry, I meant relieve yourself of feces.
- Never check your weight naked. Simply no. Because you will invariably see a number that will disappoint you, but it isn’t your fault. It’s your jeans/shirt/granny panties that are causing that shameful number, not you.
- Check your weight without your glasses. The arrow is pointing too far towards the right? So what? You can’t see a damn thing! Is that 180? It looks like 130.
- Don’t do the hokey pokey and put your left foot out. It only adds pressure on the scale resulting in a bigger number. Trust me, I really have tried everything.
- Lastly, if you’re really down and just need a ray of hope it’s located right under/on the side of your manual weighing scale. Just turn the dial that adjusts the arrow so that it’s pointing to a negative number. Result: “OMG! I lost twenty pounds!” Instant happiness
So there you have it. All those health and fitness articles you read were pointless. This is how it’s really done.