Health, Weight, and Workouts

Weighing scale hookers

Alice from AliceAtWonderland inspired today’s post. She’s trying to lose some weight. (and doing a great job, btw. She’s being very honest with herself and the internet) But losing weight means regularly checking your weight.
To me, weighing yourself is like a calling a hooker. YOU asked for her. YOU asked for the girlfriend experience. And yet YOU are ashamed when it’s over.

I know what that’s like. Oh man do I know what that feels like (I can see why you would think I mean the hooker part, but no). I used to be a fatty. I ate like a bunny for some years, and now I fit into a single digit dress size.

I’ve had a love-hate relationship with my weighing scale for a very long time, and over the years I have successfully learnt the tricks of weighing yourself in the most accurate manner.

  • All weighing must be done on a manual scale. The kind with the little arrow that you can torture by jumping up and down on the scale (dance, little arrow, dance!). None of those electronic ones. Way too accurate. Do you really want to know that your poop weighs exactly 17.8 oz?
  • Speaking of poop, take a dump first. Oh I’m sorry, I meant relieve yourself of feces.
  • Never check your weight naked. Simply no. Because you will invariably see a number that will disappoint you, but it isn’t your fault. It’s your jeans/shirt/granny panties that are causing that shameful number, not you.
  • Check your weight without your glasses. The arrow is pointing too far towards the right? So what? You can’t see a damn thing! Is that 180? It looks like 130.
  • Don’t do the hokey pokey and put your left foot out. It only adds pressure on the scale resulting in a bigger number. Trust me, I really have tried everything.
  • Lastly, if you’re really down and just need a ray of hope it’s located right under/on the side of your manual weighing scale. Just turn the dial that adjusts the arrow so that it’s pointing to a negative number. Result: “OMG! I lost twenty pounds!” Instant happiness
Weighing Scale

Accuracy.

So there you have it. All those health and fitness articles you read were pointless. This is how it’s really done.

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74 thoughts on “Weighing scale hookers

  1. LOL, I always tweek the scale dial ( just a little bit ) It’s so darn hard.. I have a stone to lose and no motivation 😦 I can eat like a Bunny but it’s the whole cow that I have with it. I’m not a chocolate person but I love wine..And it’s the same every Monday..I’ll start next week..lol Big fatty Hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    Mollie and Alfie

    • I guess I can forgive you for not being a chocolate person.
      Don’t lose weight if you don’t want to. You know look great just the way you are, and you’ll avoid so much unnecessary stress. Honestly don’t do it, just tweak the scale 😉
      You are not a fatty, but fatty hugs are cuddly! So Big Cuddly Hugs!

  2. hahahahaha I love the drawing on that scale.
    Let’s see where I am today, Uhmm cow, well, I was a hippo 2 weeks ago lol
    I’ve been 145lbs for the last 6 years, I use the scale to weigh things at home, I once made a photoshoot of me weighing all the crap in the kitchen, turns out a lb doen’t make much difference on the scale, so don’t trust that crap.

    • Yay for cow! I’m a warthog, oink 😀
      I tried that once too, for some reason I absolutely needed to know how much a giant box of cereal weighed. Did not work out. Then once I tried to weigh all my underwear, that didn’t work either. The liar!

    • The pre-dump weighings are the worst! It’s made worse with the doctor watching your shame slowly increase in number as she notes it down to the exact decimal. It isn’t right! I say all weighings, especially pre-dump, should be done in a private room with the blinds closed.

  3. Hahahaha! I have a digital scale, and I laugh everytime it says, “Err” when I step on it wrong. It’s like it is asking if I really want to know the number today. And usually, I do not.

  4. I love that none of your suggestions involve less eating. Good girl! I have one doctor whose scale subtracts for clothing. I actually weigh less on it than I do completely naked on my electronic scale. I have been trying to buy one of those……..

    • Eating less? I would never dream of it!
      That is brilliant! I want one of those scales! We could scratch rule #3 and stand on it naked and it will subtract for clothing! I feel like a criminal mastermind 😀

  5. I have catch up appointment with my physio next week. When we last met me instructed me to put on some weight. I haven’t.

    Do you think that if I hold in a massive dump for a couple of days and try a subtle Hokey-Pokey when i’m being weighed then he’ll be fooled?

  6. Dearest Naked Blog Goddess, I can’t help but notice that you were gracefully able to combine hookers, poop, nudity, AND the hokey pokey in one post. I am truly envious of your blogging badassery. I bow before your greatness.

  7. I think about 80% of weighing yourself is about self-denial, although eventually (at least for me) I have to admit that the number is slowly creeping up. And that’s just depressing, since I’m ostensibly on a diet. However, the pre-weighing dump is essential, I agree.

  8. I refuse to weigh myself wearing anything less than my winter coat, three shirts, a backpack full of rocks, and a pair of boots. Also, I swear I was following your blog long before now, but WordPress is telling me I wasn’t. There has to have been some mistake.

  9. “Do you really want to know that your poop weighs exactly 17.8 oz?”—Hmm, I’ll have to get back to you on that…

    Great post. Thanks for a good laugh. I have to go share this post on Twitter. Are you on Twitter?

  10. Without my glasses (contacts) not only would I not be able to see the numbers on the scale, I wouldn’t be able to see the scale itself. Hmm, wait a minute, problem solved!

  11. Pingback: Awards! Versatile, R.E.A.L.I.T.Y & Beautiful Blogger Awards! | rohan7things

  12. Haha, brilliant post! Lot’s of excellent advice as usual 🙂 I love how you’re advice highlights how ridiculous the whole weight thing is. I know it’s a battle for a lot of people, but damn, sometimes we just have to give ourselves a break and have a good laugh at the silliness of it all 🙂

    You rock!

    Rohan.

    • Oh thank you, Rohan! I used to be on the opposite side of that battle, but like you said, we have to give ourselves a break. It IS silly, but it will work out eventually, you just have to stop stressing about it.

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