Guest Post

Hookers, Hookers, Hookers!

Please welcome my very first guest blogger, The Hook! The Hook is an incredible writer, enjoy his post and be sure to visit his brilliant blog. You’re going to love it!

Hookers, Hookers, Hookers!

Sounds like the name of a swingers club in Vegas, doesn’t it?

Moving on.


WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW: The Hook has been a bellman in Niagara Falls for fifteen years. In that time, I’ve met hundreds, if not thousands of  hookers. Here then, are three of my most memorable encounters with various ladies of the evening.


1)  Little Red Riding Hooker. This young lady – she couldn’t have been a day over 18 –  showed up at the hotel late one Saturday night, inFebruary no less, dressed to the nines in the hottest Little Red outfit you’ve ever seen. Her legs were a beautiful shade of blue, her hair a brilliant crimson, and her all-too slender frame made you want to encourage her to wrap her lips around a sandwich rather than a… well, you know.

Her lips weren’t moist, they were frozen . I imagine the paying public would rather have a prostitute with warm, supple lips, but then again, her clients should have thought of that before they decided to custom order a hooker in the dead of winter. She wandered into the hotel and did the “hooker gaze” (The hooker gaze refers to the confused look a hooker has on her face when she visits the hotel for the first time. They stumble about for a minute and cast their glazed eye sin every direction until someone offers them directions to the room they’re looking for.) I was the lucky bellman in this case and I decided to deliver Little Red to the room in question.

“I’m an anniversary present from a wife to her husband!” she chirped. Most hookers are slightly more discreet, but I got the distinct impression my new friend was a newb. Although not for long…

Turns out, she was an anniversary present for a couple in their fifties. I had helped arrange a babysitter for this couple’s grandchildren earlier in the evening. You should have seen the look on the wife’s face when she noticed me walking away from the room after delivering her flash frozen prostitute.

The jig was up. She was a fifty-something married woman about to have a three-way with her husband and a hooker while on vacation with their grandchildren. Not exactly Grandmother of the Year material…


2)  The Not-so-Undercover Call Girl. Never has the phrase “it’s a small world”, been so applicable than in this case. A thirty-something hooker was leaving the hotel one afternoon when she walked right into a mini-high school reunion.

Turns out two of her old classmates were heading to their room – yours truly and their children in tow – when they literally bumped into Cindy from Humberside Collegiate Institute in Toronto. However, Cindy was now “Candy” (least original hooker name ever) and she looked like a human piñata after leaving a room full of frat boys in town for a poker tournament (yes, I used the word “poker” on a post about hookers) who were following her in the lobby…

I took the rugrats on ahead while the classmates had the most awkward reunion since… well, ever! I got the lowdown from the couple when they returned from getting “a taste of Candy”.

Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

Cindy initially denied her career choice but then, to her credit, she “manned up”, so to speak, and regaled her former classmates with tales of lavish encounters with rich businessmen in exotic locations. Never mind the fact she was working in Niagara Falls servicing groups of frat boys at the time…


3)  The Girl That Will Melt Your Heart. If you’re anything like me, you’ve been chuckling non-stop so far. And why not? Hookers can be fascinating, hilarious creatures, right? Well, the girl you’re about to meet was certainly fascinating, but there was nothing funny about her situation.

Thirteen years ago, when the hotel first opened its doors I worked the first round of midnight shift rotation. In walked a young lady with more mileage on her than a Vegas taxi cab. Her make-up was cheap and runny, her hair a golden cascade of frizzy, tangled locks and her clothes were tight and dirty.

She was a hot mess minus the hot component. And as it turns out, the john in question, a young idiot who stood at my desk earlier in the night scanning the Yellow Pages for a “hot piece of hooker tail”, wasn’t about to lower his already dubious standards any lower.

So there she sat in the lobby, sobbing uncontrollably, waiting for her driver to return and take her back to her agency/pimp. I remember wondering just what fate awaited a hooker who was too ugly for a young punk. Then I remembered just who this girl was.

Someone’s daughter.

Perhaps even someone’s mother.
Hookers are fascinating creatures and I often delight in laughing at the absurdity of their existence. But every so often, I pause to remember that they are a product of an absurd world.

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77 thoughts on “Hookers, Hookers, Hookers!

  1. Pingback: The Hook Pays Visit To… Miss Four Eyes | You've Been Hooked!

  2. Miss Four Eyes,
    Your generosity and hospitality have warmed my frozen Canadian heart..
    I’ve enjoyed my stay here and your numerous shout-outs have made me blush! Check out my blog today for a post dedicated your greatness.
    We’ll have to do this again sometime…

  3. I’ve always admired hookers, I mean, I laugh at them and make mean jokes about them, but they service society better than politicians. They are people too.
    That being said I loved the post, I think hat Candy is the most common stripper/hooker’s name, I met a stripper who used candy as her stage name, she was a nice girl, but you don’t wanna know why she make herself called Candy.
    Nice post sir!
    I feel it for Candy, we all are Candy, Candy forever! Candy in our hearts!

  4. I love hearing these stories! What a fascinating job. Sometimes I do a double-take when I see business men in the airport traveling with women who most definitely are NOT their wives. An escort during their business trips, I guess? Great post!

  5. Great post! Who knew being a bellman could let you meet so many interesting people? I’ve met a few at the public library – you get all kinds there. And guest blogging for Miss Four Eyes? You’ve hit the big time! I’ve got to get her over to my blog, and go check out yours. In between that work stuff . . .

    Hookers!

  6. I wonder if any of these hookers or their clients are writers. The stories have an erotic “fiction” flare. Love the post!

  7. Great post. I knew a friend once who turned to hooking. It was more sad then anything. But I’ve also known a couple who did it to pay their way thru college. So each has a story to tell. Love reading about the adventures. Good going Miss Four Eyes and The Hook!

  8. The Hook has all kinds of great stuph over on his blogs. I’ve been following for a long time and I highly recommend his writing to anyone who can read, which sadly disqualifies most of his subjects from ever knowing he’s talking about them.

  9. you do have a very interesting, amusing and yet serious view of the world. Enjoyed your post as usual sir. Miss Four Eyes made an excellent choice for a guest blogger

  10. Wow. What a fascinating experience you’ve had in observing all these things! I can’t recall ever hearing anyone say “when I grow up, I’d like to pursue a career as a hooker”. So, I always wonder what led them to that career, and I think you said it: an absurd world!

  11. Definitely worth a visit, I love all you’re work, and your friends were, lets say, enlightening. 🙂
    Off to see what Miss Four Eyes do for me….

  12. You have some stories to tell indeed! The age old phenomenon of the woman who sells her body is sad, fascinating and as you say absurdly humorous at times.

  13. Such a great post. Candy story was funny. I remembered how I once suspected one of my friends is a hooker. She never admitted though. Then she moved to Italy.

  14. Fantastic post! I’m glad it ended on such a humane note. Hookers are people too, and just like every other sector of society some of them are intelligent, wise people. And contrary to what the world would have us believe, not all of them are “forced into it”, “damaged goods” or down on their luck either.

    Oh man, my favorite has to be the granny threesome, love it! Except for the poor frozen girl and the neglected children lol. What a funny world it is 🙂

    Thanks for sharing, really funny and touching!

    Rohan.

    • >I’m glad it ended on such a humane note.
      – Right out of my mouth!

      >Hookers are people too,
      – *sniff * Yes.

      >And contrary to what the world would have us believe, not all of them are “forced into it”, “damaged goods” or down on their luck either.
      – I was surprised when I learned this, too, after readings a few stories. Still, whatever the reasons, that this is their recourse saddens me.

      I don’t mean to be such a wet blanket, but I’m not going to apologise for being a sap either. .

      Quite a few commenters reflected your thoughts, Rohan, but I found your comment captured my feelings about the issue the best.

      Kate

  15. P(re).S.: The Comment box is not letting space my paragraphs after the first 3 or so that I can see. If, like me, any of you find reading non-spaced paragraphs uncomfortable, I’m sorry. I’ve tried for a while now and the jumpy text is making me nauseous.

    >Sorry, I couldn’t resist.
    – Meh, your blog … hang on a sec, your GUEST post … your rules, Hook. 😉

    > If you’re anything like me, you’ve been chuckling non-stop so far.
    – Um, nothing like you.

    >But every so often, I pause to remember that they are a product of an absurd world.
    – Hang on a sec. I am SOMEthing like you.

    >I often delight in laughing at the absurdity of their existence.
    – I wonder if this is something like what I did when I was in Nursing School.

    At 23, I had to escort my first corpse to the morgue during my … you guessed it … graveyard shift. To deal with a situation that was new, unpalatable, sad, and I think a little frightening, I made some distasteful, specialised-by-mindless-youth kind of comments to my colleague on the way to the morgue. I do not remember my imbecilic words, and thank goodness for that! One of my many far-from-shining moments.
    ‘Nuff whinging.
    Another guest post! At the rate you’re going, I need to paraphrase the title of this post. – Hook! Hook! Hook!
    Yeah! You go, Hook! 🙂
    Kate
    P.S.: Miss Four Eyes, I like how you rock the fate of four eyes. I’ve loved glasses even before I needed to stop ‘being blind’ at 14.

  16. Dear Hook —
    I am always fascinated by your observations! I am a mother as well as a ‘working girl’ and to be frank (long story) most hookers in your posts come out smelling better than most mothers do 😉
    What I am trying to say is — I LIKE reading your perspective, even if it is occassionally a little . . . icky. It is obvious that it comes from a man with a heart.

    ps — you would have to be pretty good to spot ME in your lobby — I work hard not to look like a hooker 😉

    pps — way to go, slipping in that Pretty Woman reference 😉

  17. Pingback: Things that Happen in Elevators | Miss Four Eyes

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