Hookers, Hookers, Hookers!
Sounds like the name of a swingers club in Vegas, doesn’t it?
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW: The Hook has been a bellman in Niagara Falls for fifteen years. In that time, I’ve met hundreds, if not thousands of hookers. Here then, are three of my most memorable encounters with various ladies of the evening.
1) Little Red Riding Hooker. This young lady – she couldn’t have been a day over 18 – showed up at the hotel late one Saturday night, inFebruary no less, dressed to the nines in the hottest Little Red outfit you’ve ever seen. Her legs were a beautiful shade of blue, her hair a brilliant crimson, and her all-too slender frame made you want to encourage her to wrap her lips around a sandwich rather than a… well, you know.
Her lips weren’t moist, they were frozen . I imagine the paying public would rather have a prostitute with warm, supple lips, but then again, her clients should have thought of that before they decided to custom order a hooker in the dead of winter. She wandered into the hotel and did the “hooker gaze” (The hooker gaze refers to the confused look a hooker has on her face when she visits the hotel for the first time. They stumble about for a minute and cast their glazed eye sin every direction until someone offers them directions to the room they’re looking for.) I was the lucky bellman in this case and I decided to deliver Little Red to the room in question.
“I’m an anniversary present from a wife to her husband!” she chirped. Most hookers are slightly more discreet, but I got the distinct impression my new friend was a newb. Although not for long…
Turns out, she was an anniversary present for a couple in their fifties. I had helped arrange a babysitter for this couple’s grandchildren earlier in the evening. You should have seen the look on the wife’s face when she noticed me walking away from the room after delivering her flash frozen prostitute.
The jig was up. She was a fifty-something married woman about to have a three-way with her husband and a hooker while on vacation with their grandchildren. Not exactly Grandmother of the Year material…
2) The Not-so-Undercover Call Girl. Never has the phrase “it’s a small world”, been so applicable than in this case. A thirty-something hooker was leaving the hotel one afternoon when she walked right into a mini-high school reunion.
Turns out two of her old classmates were heading to their room – yours truly and their children in tow – when they literally bumped into Cindy from Humberside Collegiate Institute in Toronto. However, Cindy was now “Candy” (least original hooker name ever) and she looked like a human piñata after leaving a room full of frat boys in town for a poker tournament (yes, I used the word “poker” on a post about hookers) who were following her in the lobby…
I took the rugrats on ahead while the classmates had the most awkward reunion since… well, ever! I got the lowdown from the couple when they returned from getting “a taste of Candy”.
Sorry, I couldn’t resist.
Cindy initially denied her career choice but then, to her credit, she “manned up”, so to speak, and regaled her former classmates with tales of lavish encounters with rich businessmen in exotic locations. Never mind the fact she was working in Niagara Falls servicing groups of frat boys at the time…
3) The Girl That Will Melt Your Heart. If you’re anything like me, you’ve been chuckling non-stop so far. And why not? Hookers can be fascinating, hilarious creatures, right? Well, the girl you’re about to meet was certainly fascinating, but there was nothing funny about her situation.
Thirteen years ago, when the hotel first opened its doors I worked the first round of midnight shift rotation. In walked a young lady with more mileage on her than a Vegas taxi cab. Her make-up was cheap and runny, her hair a golden cascade of frizzy, tangled locks and her clothes were tight and dirty.
She was a hot mess minus the hot component. And as it turns out, the john in question, a young idiot who stood at my desk earlier in the night scanning the Yellow Pages for a “hot piece of hooker tail”, wasn’t about to lower his already dubious standards any lower.
So there she sat in the lobby, sobbing uncontrollably, waiting for her driver to return and take her back to her agency/pimp. I remember wondering just what fate awaited a hooker who was too ugly for a young punk. Then I remembered just who this girl was.
Perhaps even someone’s mother.
Hookers are fascinating creatures and I often delight in laughing at the absurdity of their existence. But every so often, I pause to remember that they are a product of an absurd world.
Want more of The Hook’s awesomeness? I’d start here:
- You Know You’re a Bellman When…
- Lies The Hook Told Me…
- Top Ten Signs Your Vacation Date is Dead on Arrival.