Anxiety and Other Awkwardness

10 Things I Fear

There aren’t a lot of things I’m scared by. No really, a spider lives on my shower curtain, her name is Betty; and a family of lizards live above my bathroom*. But you should know that there are some things that I am deathly afraid of.

  • Dolls – this is by far my number one fear. And not because of Chucky, I never saw that movie. My parents gave me a porcelain doll for my 7th birthday, I haven’t played with her to this day. She’s wrapped up in storage. Arms nicely secured, you know, just in case.
  • Bobbleheads – This is kind of like the doll thing. But worse because bobbleheads bobble. Is it moving? Is not moving? Is it all in my head?! Am I going crazy? Is the bobble head talking to me?!!
  • Nightlights – I would rather sleep in the dark than sleep with a nightlight on. It’s the flickering ones that bother me the most. They cast dancing shadows, and the dolls that used to be in my room looked like they were talking. When I was a kid, my mom got a flickering Jesus nightlight. This was weird not only because I had never once said that I was afraid of the dark, but because I wasn’t even raised Catholic. It scared the crap out of me. I was sure that Jesus and the dolls would gang up against me Christmas morning.
Jesus nightlight

I’m coming to get you.

  • Fish – they just float around in their bowls, seemingly “minding their own business”, staring at you with their beady little eyes. The goldfish have even got the entire world convinced that they lose their memory every time they blink. Don’t you think that’s just a little too convenient? Someday they’re going to take over the world, I just know it.
  • The flush – When I was little, I thought that the flush, yes the toilet flush, was going to eat me. Not once did I ever have a nightmare about the boogie monster under my bed (we were pals), but the flush was not to be used after dark.
  • The Neighbor’s butt crack – What can I say about this? My neighbor has a butt crack. She likes to put this butt crack on display occasionally. There are good butt cracks, and bad butt cracks. She does not have a good butt crack.
butt-crack

Good or bad?

  • Babies – What’s not to be afraid of? They have a self destruct button right on their head, that alone is terrifying.
  • Aunt J’s dancing – I have an Aunt J. She wanted to be a dancer. She is not a dancer. Horrifying cannot begin to describe it.
  • Aunt J’s kisses –Too close to the ear, Aunt J! NO! Too close to the mouth!!
  • Aunt J’s cleavage – No comment.

What are you afraid of?

*I should really do something about my bathroom buddies.

Enhanced by Zemanta
Advertisements

135 thoughts on “10 Things I Fear

  1. OMG, I’m afraid of fish too! Some are cute, but I can only stay in an ocean or lake so long because they freak me out. And when I’m in a pet store I’m always afraid the tank is going to bust open — gives me the creeps!

  2. Totally with you on the flush, I used to run like the wind away from that bastard at night! As for the pictured crack, I’d have to say good to that one, a crack has to be pretty bad to scare me. I’m very open minded when it comes to cracks 🙂

    Oh and I won’t be showering at your place, lizards are cool but there’s not way I’m getting in with Betty!

    Rohan.

      • Miss Four Eyes,

        But what if you actually lose your glasses… I mean, I’ve done that before. You do know that it could happen, right? I mean you really could lose them. Someone could even steal them (which would be so horrible). I’m thinking about Laser surgery myself. I have two reasons:

        1) Lasers are involved
        2) The Zombie apocalypse (why did I capitalize that word?)

        -Soul Walker

        • I have five pairs of glasses (not enough, I know), no worries if anyone tries to steal them 😉
          And you capitalized that word because Zombies deserve to be capitalized.

  3. I’m afraid of bobbleheads and fish, too. And monkeys, I despise monkeys. I think they are scary. I’m also a little afraid of babies, even though I had one and had two baby grandchildren. I was glad when they were no longer babies but people. Babies are scary too.

  4. With you on the doll thing, it’s their glass eyes for me! Creepy!!

    Masks are one of my biggest fears, kabuki ones in particular. This makes me scared of kids at halloween too. I blame horror films.

    Amy
    amydot90.wordpress.com

    • AAH! The glass eyes! At one point, I made a make-do blind fold for my doll just so that I wouldn’t have to look at her eyes. But that just made it worse.

      Those kabuki masks are scary. Especially when they have the very calm faces painted on.

  5. Seriously with the night lights! What about when I doze off and then half-wake up only to see that light, forget I have a nightlight, and become certain my room is on its way to being engulfed by an inferno. No thank you!

  6. Great list, you are afraid of a lot and you have made me extremely happy that I do not have an Aunt J. I am only afraid of two things. Clowns, because they are grown men wearing face paint, and snakes because they are gross. Thanks for the great post. Loved it!

  7. What about the doll that Aunt J gave you while pecking you on the cheek and bending over with her cleavage showing? While I don’t mind nightlights, I don’t like Jesus things staring at me. I kind of like fish and butt cracks are amusing. I have a demented sense of humor sometimes.

    HOWEVER . . . Automatic Flushing Toilets are the worst! Just when you think they are not going to flush, they do. And sometimes they flush before I’m done — that’s just wrong. But my worst fear is that something of mine will drop in (like a $20 bill) just before it flushes and I won’t even have the chance to decide if I want to brave the soiled water to fish it out before it is GONE!

    • No, not the doll Aunt J gave me while pecking me on the cheek and bending over with her cleavage showing! The horror!

      Gah! The thing I fear most about an automatic flushing toilet is that it’ll flush too hard and ‘something’ will shoot out of it while I’m still in the stall!

  8. I’m not too fond of dolls either. As for fish, nah. The only butt cracks I don’t like are those big old men’s. hairy ones, I mean that’s just wrong. As for babies. Keep them away from me. All kids scare the crap outta me.

  9. BHHAhahaaaa!! This one totally CRACKed me up! I can see why you would fear the buttcrack on display! 😀 I once had a mysterious bug on my bathroom sink, and he (it) stayed in the same vicinity on the sink for 3 days, so I named him Harvey, but then he left 😛

  10. I’m with ya on the nightlights.. Hate them. I am afraid of squirrels– very very afraid.
    like the psychedelic new look– nice

  11. Hehehehe… This was funny!

    I’m a’skeered of the monster who lives under the bed and in the closet when the door is slightly ajar in the middle of the night when the lights are out.

  12. You are perplexing…your bathroom buddies would have already been sprayed with shaving cream in my house (because that’s how I kill those creepy bathroom spiders–you gotta use what’s handy). But The Flush? The Flush is cleansing! The Flush takes away the yucky. I’m more terrified when The Flush doesn’t work…that’s terror right there!

  13. flickering Jesus nightlight– and not even Catholic hahaha that made me laugh out loud. my mom has a night lamp like that btw. ^^ and aunt J’s kisses seem very much like my grandfather’s kisses… they’re so… wet. ick! and on both cheeks too..my little cousin would hide beneath the sofa so grandpa won’t see her hahaha but i have to live with it. ><

  14. Great list. Fish are especially creepy when they are floating at the top with eyes wide open. The flush is hilarious. My mom has a super flusher. My niece ran away and started crying after she pushed the lever.

  15. This is a very funny post. I’m afraid of cockroaches. It’s an irrational fear I know. But they can paralyze me and if I think for a minute there might be a cockroach in my vicinity (hotel room…) I will not be able to sleep. I’m not sure why they scare me, they don’t bite or attack. In fact, they are sort of like crickets right? without the chirping.

    And that behind the scenes peek of your neighbor is pretty scary too.

  16. Pingback: Awards anyone? « My Rabbit Hole Trips

  17. Clowns. Ever seen that Gymbo the Clown guy? I hate that guy. He’s too damn happy. I think he does drugs. Gymboree should be ashamed of themselves. Jesus nightlight would scare the crap out of me too. And I still have to put my hand over the sensor when Thing Two uses those automatic flushing toilets. It’s getting a little old.

  18. I’m afraid of traveling on a packed plane next to someone smelly, I would hate to have to kill that person there and then go to jail once we land.
    Seriously, have you watched that show Locked Abroad? I always fear I’ll end up in a jail in Thailand where there’ll give me a boob job (it’s free in there I’ve heard) and send me home with a different name, Veronika for example, with my backpack full of drugs. The police catches me in the airport and send me to jail where all the inmates touch my new boobs before I’m executed.

  19. Pingback: Things I Fear « Doggy's Style

  20. I am afraid of everything so I probably shouldn’t talk. But I will. Because you reminded me that when I was 12, I stayed the night at my friend Rachel’s house and she had The Most Terrifying Doll Ever. It was some family heirloom porcelain baby – and its eyes were missing. It just had gaping black holes that followed you around the room and promised to steal your eyes while you slept. That thing scared the fuck out of me. Still does. What happened to the eyes??

  21. Haha this post is hilarious! How come I didn’t see this before.Agree on the first one. People who keep those dolls are even more creepier. They seem to have this dead stare.*shivers* Fish? You’re weird, in a really good way ofcourse. Are you afraid of Pisceans as well? Hehe if yes(that’d be great as well 😀 ), reading this comment should give you a scare.

  22. Things I am afraid of: spiders, dogs I am not familiar with,
    yes, some dolls are creepy, will my husband embarrass me
    in public LOL!, the dark, snakes, losing my mind from
    road rage LOL!!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s