There aren’t a lot of things I’m scared by. No really, a spider lives on my shower curtain, her name is Betty; and a family of lizards live above my bathroom*. But you should know that there are some things that I am deathly afraid of.
- Dolls – this is by far my number one fear. And not because of Chucky, I never saw that movie. My parents gave me a porcelain doll for my 7th birthday, I haven’t played with her to this day. She’s wrapped up in storage. Arms nicely secured, you know, just in case.
- Bobbleheads – This is kind of like the doll thing. But worse because bobbleheads bobble. Is it moving? Is not moving? Is it all in my head?! Am I going crazy? Is the bobble head talking to me?!!
- Nightlights – I would rather sleep in the dark than sleep with a nightlight on. It’s the flickering ones that bother me the most. They cast dancing shadows, and the dolls that used to be in my room looked like they were talking. When I was a kid, my mom got a flickering Jesus nightlight. This was weird not only because I had never once said that I was afraid of the dark, but because I wasn’t even raised Catholic. It scared the crap out of me. I was sure that Jesus and the dolls would gang up against me Christmas morning.
- Fish – they just float around in their bowls, seemingly “minding their own business”, staring at you with their beady little eyes. The goldfish have even got the entire world convinced that they lose their memory every time they blink. Don’t you think that’s just a little too convenient? Someday they’re going to take over the world, I just know it.
- The flush – When I was little, I thought that the flush, yes the toilet flush, was going to eat me. Not once did I ever have a nightmare about the boogie monster under my bed (we were pals), but the flush was not to be used after dark.
- The Neighbor’s butt crack – What can I say about this? My neighbor has a butt crack. She likes to put this butt crack on display occasionally. There are good butt cracks, and bad butt cracks. She does not have a good butt crack.
- Babies – What’s not to be afraid of? They have a self destruct button right on their head, that alone is terrifying.
- Aunt J’s dancing – I have an Aunt J. She wanted to be a dancer. She is not a dancer. Horrifying cannot begin to describe it.
- Aunt J’s kisses –Too close to the ear, Aunt J! NO! Too close to the mouth!!
- Aunt J’s cleavage – No comment.
What are you afraid of?
*I should really do something about my bathroom buddies.