Radioactive Mutant Cookies

For the first time ever I successfully made chocolate chip cookies.


I don’t have one of those ancient cook books passed down from my great-grandmother. For years I’ve been left to my own devices (clumsy, idiotic devices) to figure out how these things are made.

After a decade of unbaked burnt cookies (yes both, it’s possible), flour in my hair, and chocolate chips down my shirt, I finally made the perfect batch. They were completely done, no runny batter on the inside, nothing turned black. Just perfect, moist, edible cookies.

So what’s the secret to perfect cookies? Sure, the internet will tell you things like ‘use good quality and fresh ingredients’. But that will only take you so far. Here are the real secrets, a dummy-proof guide to perfect cookies:

  • Don’t use a glass baking dish because you don’t have a cookie sheet.
  • Don’t use questionable recipes from the internet.
  • Always use an apron. And a shower cap. And suspenders for your pants.
  • The less ingredients the better. No, not because they taste better, silly. Because that means there are less things to screw up.
  • When you want a perfect batch of chocolate chip cookies never use the organic recipes no matter how much of a hippie you are. Things will go wrong. The agave nectar will turn on you. You will have dangerous radioactive mutant organic cookies that may try to take over the world.
  • ‘All-purpose’ doesn’t always mean ALL purpose.
  • Don’t bother trying to figure out the difference between all-purpose and self-rising flour.
  • When in doubt don’t ask mom. Ask Betty Crocker. Or Nestle Toll House.
  • If your cookies end up being unbaked on the inside, just eat them like that. Do not try to cook them on the stove. Don’t grill them either.

Pictured: Good side up. Whole wheat, organic, half-baked (in glass baking dish) and stove cooked chocolate chip cookies. Don’t do this to yourself. Or your dog.

The most important thing to remember is that no matter how many times you throw up from one of your disastrous batches, no matter how much your self esteem is shattered after even your dog refuses to eat your cookies, never give up.

Because cookies are worth getting fat again.

[for honest tips on how to avoid cookie disasters, click here]

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115 thoughts on “Radioactive Mutant Cookies

  1. This had me cracking up — especially the third bullet! Congratulations MFE! The cookies do look delicious. You must be proud. I might have to try the chocolate chip and candied strawberry cookies.

  2. Chocolate chip cookies are great. It’s almost impossible to mess them up. Even a bad cookie is better than just about anything else you might eat.

    But notice I said “almost impossible.”

    “Hey guys, I made cookies for everyone!”
    “It’s a special vegan recipe!”
    “Oh….OK, let’s try them.”
    “What do you think?”
    “Want another?”
    “No! I mean, I don’t want to ruin my appetitie.”

  3. Congratulations! Good chocolate chip cookies are great! I’ve always found the recipe on the back of the Nestlé Toll House morsels bag works well, sans nuts because our family doesn’t like nuts in our cookies. And a little undercooked is always better than burnt. Gooey is good. Glad yours turned out perfect. What a coupe!

  4. Wow, that last batch looks really yum! I’m always so terrified of home made cookies and biscuits, I just have a distrust for anything that didn’t come out of a packet. It’s an entirely unjustified reaction though, because they are always (in my case so far anyway) really quite nice 🙂

    Congrats on finally finding the winning formula!


  5. I always find that if I’m in the mood for cookies making them takes work. So I just get some Chips Ahoy and milk and chill instead of working. Best of all, no apron, shower cap, or suspenders are needed. Hell, I can lounge around naked and eat them. Hey! Don’t judge! If you can blog naked then I can eat cookies naked! I don’t, but just saying…

  6. Radioactive cookies? Sound Chernobylicious.
    By the way, if you ever want to post a picture of yourself baking with a shower cap and suspenders on, that would be awesome. Just saying. 🙂

  7. C is for cookie, nom nom nom! I like how there’s a bite out of one already! Another thing – sugar must be added while cooking, not after. Doesn’t work. And when it says “shelled nuts” it means you are supposed to take them out of the shells, not leave them in. Lessons learned.

    This is why I go with Nestle and Mrs. Crocker.

  8. No matter how bad it seems, I could definitely do worse. Enjoy the cookies. I wish I had a few cookies right now. 🙂 Great story. Loved the list of things not to do. Seems like the voice of experience reaching out to help others.

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  10. I’m all for a great chocolate-chip cookie. And now I want one. Big time.

    My grandmother used to add a box of vanilla pudding (the dry mix) to her chocolate chip cookies, and they were always so good. I’ve done that, but they come out a little too thick and not enough chewy. Grandma obviously did something else to those cookies that she never told me about…

  11. Looks like you’re making great progress to becoming a celebrity chef! Which recipe do you think you’ like to perfect next?

  12. Oh my. I am going to ask you right now, write a post for my food blog! Please! You are the only one I have ever asked. But this was too funny. You are adorable. My readers would love you! 🙂

      • Thats the beauty of learning and there is no right in wrong in cooking. Sometimes the craziest mistakes makes the best results! I hope you have fun learning many more technique, I am still learning new stuff everyday myself. Beauty of sharing each others blogs is we get to learn from each other 🙂

  13. This is very good advice. I don’t bake for a very simple reason: I instantly eat everything I bake. For example, I wouldn’t have time to take a pic, like you did. By the way, your cookies look really yummy.

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