In a bellman’s world, a chat during a simple elevator ride with two strangers can quickly degenerate into… well, I still don’t know what the hell this was.
I greeted the young, ultra-white couple – just imagine if Brooke Shields had kids with Brad Pitt: he was tall and blonde, she was tall, slender and brunette – with a simple “Hello” as I entered the otherwise deserted elevator car. It was the height of check-out time and the hotel was jammed but I caught a break from the crowds. The elevator lurched slightly as the doors closed and a single bag slid sideways and would have hit the floor if not for the intervention of the young gentleman.
He would soon regret his heroism.
CLUELESS YOUNG MALE: (Pointing to a DVD case visible through an opening in the half-zipped duffel bag) Hey! I have that flick!
He looked at me with all the wild-eyed enthusiasm of a guy sharing a moment with another guy. His look conveyed a bonding moment; a “We both have the same guy totem! Isn’t that cool?”, kind of moment, which would have been fine except for two details:
- The DVD in question, “Who’s the Boss A XXX Parody” wasn’t mine; it belonged to a group of hungover frat boys, many of whom were still in their room vomiting.
- His girlfriend was present. She. Was. Standing. Right. Beside. Him.
ANGRY FEMALE: What do you mean, “I have that flick!” (She attempted to parody him as girls often do, dancing a slight, supposedly-male jig.)
CYM: (Without missing a beat.) Yeah, I use it to masturbate too!
You gotta love this modern age we live in, right? There are no secrets left. Anywhere.
I felt the need to intervene before she clocked him with her Coach purse, but she didn’t miss a beat either…
AF: Why don’t you just think of me?
CYM: (Pointing to one of the actresses visible on the box cover.) You don’t look like that!
Naturally, she hit him on the arm. Hard. He then went into damage control mode.
CYM: Okay, fine. But you’re not always around and a guy has needs, right?
Of course, he pointed in my direction, expecting that some encoded strain in my DNA would compel me to assist him.
THE HOOK: Well, miss, he’s partially right. (Damn unspoken guy code!) A man needs visual stimulation, whereas a woman is more tactile….
AF: Tactile? (Turning to her clueless partner.) Is that thing sex thing we tried?
CYM and I both shook our heads. At least he was drawing dividends from their relationship. Why was I putting up with this brain donor?
THE HOOK: I believe you’re thinking of Tantric techniques that allow the body to achieve a heightened sense of intimacy, miss.
If there had been a cricket in the elevator, he would have sounded like a lion…
THE HOOK: Moving on. What I mean is, a woman is turned on by touch, while most men are turned on by –
AF: Slut bunnies in cheap pornos?
CYM: Hey! The production values in that film are beyond compare! The set is identical! Tony Danza himself couldn’t tell the difference!
THE HOOK: Sir?
CYM: Please stop talking.
AF: No, let him bury himself.
So he did. Sort of.
CYM: You should watch this with me, honey! Seriously, there’s a great girl-girl scene you’d love..
THE HOOK: Sir, I’d strongly recommend –
AF: I do like girl-girl scenes… Are the girls hot?
THE HOOK: That I learn to expect the unexpected…
CYM: The girls are smokin’!
Fate, having grown tired of torturing me, intervened. The elevator arrived at the lobby and without realizing it, I voiced my feelings on the matter.
THE HOOK: Thank God!
My new friends laughed and made their way off the elevator.
And straight into the blog.
Want more of The Hook? I’d start here:
- Things You Don’t Want To Hear Your Partner Say On Valentine’s Day.
- What Not To Do When Trapped In An Elevator With The Hook.
- Don’t Freak Out, But…