Health, Weight, and Workouts

People you meet at Yoga

Posted on by 133 Comments

main_yoga

Early 2012 I had a brilliant (by brilliant, I mean not so brilliant) idea of joining a yoga class. Day one was hell considering that I’m about as flexible as a #2 pencil. I quit and joined another class with elderly people. This was a lot better because they aren’t quite that flexible either and the 70 year old woman I sit next to doesn’t judge me when I can’t do the asanas right. I like her. But no matter what the average age of your fellow yoga-mates (yoga-mates?) are, you will invariably find the following people at a yoga class:

1. The Clueless Guy – I feel bad for this person because he doesn’t have the slightest clue what he got himself into. He thought he was going to spend the next hour aligning his chakras and relieving all his stress. But he leaves more stressed than he came in. I used to be this person, and I know he’s terrified of eye contact and just wants to get over with it already. The best you can do is simply leave the poor guy alone.

2. Mr. Hot Stuff– There will always be an attractive person in class. But this person, oooh my, he’s just something else. I have to stop myself from straining my neck trying to get a glimpse of him as everyone gets into the downward dog position. Before you know it, he unconsciously becomes your focal point when you center yourself. (For me this person is a 63 year old ex-military man that usually needs help getting into a headstand, and I am only too eager to help. What? He’s perfect.)

3. Miss Way-too-Close – She places her mat next to mine with barely an inch of room. She doesn’t mind that our body parts are constantly touching throughout the class, and she isn’t embarrassed that I accidentally copped a field during Sun Salutations. She’s just really close with people. Some days I even get a hug at the end of class. I haven’t yet decided if I’m okay with that.

4. The Sexual Grunter- “Uhhhh” “Gaaahhhh” I hear him cry directly behind me. I understand that he has stiff muscles, but his moans and grunts make me uncomfortable and I’m a little curious about what exactly goes on back there.

5. The Phone Addict – This guy wants to escape from the internet, but no matter how much he tries he can’t seem to put his phone down. I can hear him tapping away at his phone the whole time. It starts with a FB status update before class starts, a quick email during the first set of salutations, he’ll refresh his Instagram while the teacher isn’t looking, and proudly announce on Twitter that he successfully completed his first yoga session at the end. “60 minutes without my phone was way hard dudes. LOL”

6. The Hippie – You would think that you’d find the most hippies in a yoga class. This isn’t true. Most of them are completely normal people, business men, doctors, teachers, firemen (ahhh retired firemen*), just regular people that want to work towards a healthier lifestyle. Then there are a handful of the real hippies. The kinds that go for yoga retreats and completely forget about soap and personal hygiene. He thinks he’s being eco-friendly, but there’s a reason even Miss Way-Too-Close doesn’t get within three feet of him. Every time his arms go up, you can hear the whole class hold their breath. There may or may not be a number of anonymous submissions to the suggestion box about him.


*So I like old guys. It’s no big deal.

Related articles
Enhanced by Zemanta

133 thoughts on “People you meet at Yoga”

  2. Hey! This is the second post today I read about hot older guys so you’re not alone 🙂 Definitely good to know that you are out there should I make it to my autumn and winter years in one piece!

    Ummm, am I stupid or is this “6 people you will meet a yoga”? Well either way it made me laugh as usual 🙂 Yoga with oldies is definitely a good idea, what’s the point of coming out more stressed that when you went in 🙂

    Thanks for sharing Miss Four Eyes!

    Rohan.

    ps. can I get Miss Way-Too-Close’s number? 😉 😛

    Reply

    • I don’t know what it is about old guys, they’re just so….wow

      I messed up. I was going to write ten, but I didn’t and forgot to edit it. Now there are email notifications saying 10 People, and here I only have six. *facepalm*
      I’m an idiot.

      P.S. Sure 😀

      Reply

      • Aww, it happens to all of us. So often I’ve posted without tags, or without related articles, or without a featured image, or a wrong title lol >.<

        Yeah I'm kinda with you on the older dudes thing. My main man crushes are John Malkovich and Ralph Fiennes.

        Haha, oh god, maybe we should slow down with the number, I'm having second thoughts now… 🙂

        Rohan.

        Reply

        • Good choice, have you seen the Ipcress File? He’s younger in that but very cool 🙂

          Oh I see, looks like you might have yourself a bit of a fan there 🙂

          Rohan.

  3. And this, of course, is why I practice yoga at home!

    Seriously. I’ve done yoga since fourth grade, watching Richard Hittleman’s “Yoga for Health” show in the 1970s. (RIP RIchard Hittleman). I love yoga.

    A few years ago I wrote an article about yoga for a local paper and got all these free classes to every yoga studio in town. It was a fun experience going to them, but I’d never go back to a studio. In addition to everything you wrote, I also found many of them to be clique-ish. And the bikram yoga (hot yoga) seemed like a cult with the attitudes of people there. I simply said I didn’t like it because the movements were too slow for me and some idiot jumped down my throat. No more. If I want hot yoga, I can turn up the heat in my house 🙂

    Reply

    • Fourth grade? Wow! You must be pretty good at it!
      Bikram yoga is not something I think I’d enjoy either. Like you said, I could just turn up the heat in my house!

      Reply

  5. Omg…this number 2 pencil really needs to find a senior citizen Yoga class that does not ask for ID. It is beyond genius logic!!! Honestly….what IS going on back there? I think you may need to inquire.

    Reply

  7. We share a love of old guys–no judgement! The Sexual Grunters follow me around the gym. Every class, every elliptical, every weight machine. Makes me wonder what kind of vibe I’m putting out there, you know?

    Reply

  9. I love my yoga/balance class! But I’d seriously fail at pretty much any of the poses up top… I recognise all of the people you said though 😀 I’m the silent, slightly sweaty one at the back, trying really hard not to fall over.

    Reply

  11. Haha, you should just keep editing this post and changing the number of people you meet at yoga class. Whoops, it’s five, now it’s eight, now it’s . . .

    I had a “miss too close” at the gym. Space bubbles, peeps, space bubbles. Speaking of facebook you gotta weigh in on whether you are a fb loser or a hipster douchebag. It’s the question of the century. Then you have to read about clown peen on Speaker’s blog. So much to DO.

    Oh, other news – I have a creeper guy who keeps reblogging my posts on a porn site.

    Reply

  13. I took yoga in college because I was one of two guys in a thirty or so person class and the other guy was pretty clearly only there for the yoga. I hated it, and not just because the only date I got out of it was to a wedding that the girl’s cousin or something backed out on her at the last minute, leaving her dateless.

    I also have that #2 pencil issue. But now that I’m an old man, I may have to look into this yoga thing again. I’m sure young ladies would be impressed by my inability to contort my fat ass into an L shape, while farting uncontrollably nonetheless the whole time while trying.

    Is there a place on the list for that person who accidentally farts the whole time?

    Reply

    • I’d have to join you on that list. What? I’m human, sometimes it happens! Sometimes I have to simultaneously cough so that nobody hears it. Sometimes I just look at Miss Way Too Close with a ‘I can’t believe you just farted!’ look. Don’t tell anyone

      Reply

      • Being confrontational is hard. I guess one needs to go into any potential argument armed with key words that are both offensive but not too politically incorrect. Obviously, bitch is harsh, as is that dreaded C word. You don’t want to be correct in the argument but lose style points with onlookers because you crossed some line of decency to make your point.

        My family is from northern Italy, so when I’m sure that I’m arguing with another Italian, I ask them if their family came from Siscilly, that gets em every time, especially if it’s true!

        Maybe you should write a follow up post about proper etiquette when arguing. It could be loads of fun!

        Reply

  14. I have honestly been considering trying yoga, I am now wondering which of these people I will be? I am not the grunty guy, because it isn’t right. Now I may never be able to try yoga because I will be thinking about this post. 🙂

    Reply

  16. I love yoga. I hate yoga class. I hate the Perfect Practicer — she’s all tone and tan and outfit coordinated. She has perfect form and isn’t nice when she brags about it. There are also the Tantra Twins in my group. These two women have probably been bestie of bestiest friends since that first time they met at a wine tasting six months ago. They have matching outfits, jewelry and yoga mat holders. Their husbands drive matching SUVs. And, there is just something too cozy about they way they constantly compliment each other … if you know what I mean. Ya, then there’s me … I’m the chubby one that just let one rip during downward facing dog and is totally regretting that cheeseburger I ate earlier.

    Reply

    • The Perfect Practicer motivates me so that one day I can gracefully stick my butt in the air, and hopefully her face will be inches away. I’ve never seen the Tantra Twins but they sound ridiculously annoying!
      I just let one rip too, then proceeded to give the Perfect Practicer the ‘I can’t believe you just farted’ look!

      Reply

  17. This makes me glad I do my yoga at home. I can’t imagine assuming some of those positions around other people (think happy baby pose…). But not being able to put away your phone during yoga? That’s kind of an oxymoron, isn’t it? Bizarre.

    Reply

  18. “63 year old ex-military man that usually needs help getting into a headstand” LOL yes!

    I can’t practice yoga with other people. I did a few pre-natal yoga classes and those were hilarious. Other than that I generally hate exercising in front of other people.

    Love this post.

    Reply

    • You should see him, his back always perfectly straight as a military man’s should be *sigh*
      I know what you mean, I don’t like exercising in front of people either. I wasn’t too keen on that when I first started, but it gets better. You learn to laugh at yourself every time you fall down (literally)

      Reply

  19. Yoga? what’s this thing called yoga? is it like exercise? well then I”m afraid I can’t do that because you see I have this allergy thing. I’m allergic to exercise. 😉

    this was funny. I’m kinda likin this ex military guy though………

    Reply

  21. Ha ha. I think you have been spying on my yoga class. My most hated yoga person is the personal space invader. Don’t touch me ok?

    Reply

  24. You forgot the super flexible yoga addict who begs the instructor to turn the temperature up, saying “a few more degrees would be really comfortable” even though everyone else is dying from the heat.

    Reply

  25. Do you have “the Corrector” in class, too? I taught Yoga for several years and there always seemed to be one person who would question what I told them to do, or correct the people next to them. I always wanted to kick ’em out for stressing everyone else out! 🙂

    Also, hurrah for older guys! 🙂

    Reply

    • Gah! We have one of those too. Some days I think we should corner him before class and pour a bucket of soap water on him. Either he’ll smell better, or not come to class that day. It’s a win-win either way

      Reply

    • Maybe it’s that they carry ‘the wisdom of the world’ or something. Maybe it’s just all the Old Spice. Maybe it’s the way they say dangflabit. But like you said, whatever it is, they rock!

      Reply

  30. I did yoga at a gym for a while, and one of my favorite during-yoga hobbies was watching the musclebound gym rat types come into class thinking they were going to have an easy time of it. I’ve seen this happen dozens of times- by the end of the class, they’re sitting out poses and complaining about how difficult it is.

    Cracks me up every time.

    Reply

  31. Never been to yoga but I go to pilates and aerobic classes. I hate the most people that get in my personal space. I don’t like sweaty strangers to touch me or breath on me, I really don’t.

    Reply

    • Why don’t people get it? Why don’t they understand that we do NOT want to be so close to them when they’re sweating? Do they want to be so close to me when I’m sweating like crazy?

      Reply

  34. So I just started going to yoga classes a few weeks ago, and I definitely know all the people you’re talking about. I would add one though. The “I know everything” person who thinks they know all the right moves, but in reality, are just as confused as “the clueless guy.”

    Reply

  36. I am s flexible as a log, but I am so attracted to those classes that focus on core strengthening and stretching rather than pure aerobic work. I wish I could try “ballet beautiful” but no decent videos are available. your yoga buddies are awesome

    Reply

  38. Pingback: Curious Alice Goes to Yoga Class | aliceatwonderland

  39. I just recently went to a Yoga class (not Bikram) and we had the sexual orgasm breather and a really hippie dippy instructor that played a drum over my heart when I was in savasana (corpse pose) with my eyes closed – it freaked me RIGHT OUT. My favorite part was when he told us he was going to give us a ‘treat’ and we got to listen to the new CD he was putting out… BUT WAIT – THERE’S MORE! if it was my intro to Yoga – it would have been my exit from Yoga.

    Reply

  40. haha… Maybe this is a country-specific thing? Here in Scotland we get type 1, for sure. But the others… I’ve *never* seen anyone on a phone in any yoga class I’ve been in.
    Old guys with perfect legs, yes! We got them 🙂

    Reply

    • Maybe you only have the sane people taking yoga in Scotland? You are so lucky to not have Miss Way-too-Close or the Sexual Grunter.
      Woohoo for internationally wonderful old guys 🙂

      Reply

  41. Oh, I don’t think we can claim to corner the market in sanity! Perhaps it’s just my habit of frequenting village halls and council run classes. I’m sure that in, say, a fancy Ashtanga studio in Edinburgh you’d find Mr and Ms Hot Stuff. Possibly even a Phone Addict, these days, for all I know.
    Most classes I’ve been in have Mr Snores-Throughout-Savasana. I also regularly notice Ms I’m-Ostensibly-At-Peace-With-Where-I-Am-But-Actually-Striving-Was-That-My-Hamstring-That-Just-Snapped? And there’s always at least one Mrs I’ve-Been-Doing-Yoga-for-ages-and-the-teacher’s-repeated-that-instruction-600-times-to-me-but-I’ve-still-not-heard-it. Since I used to be a primary teacher, the last one makes me come over all un-yogic, wanting to bark at them, ‘did you not hear her? BENT knees’ but luckily I’ve never been so graceless, or I’d be in Rara’s The Corrector category. Oh dear. I’m a Closet Corrector 😉

    Reply

    • Haha, The Closet Corrector! I’m the Trying-Too-Hard-Not-To-Fall-Over-So-Can’t-Get-The-Pose-Right person, which of course almost never works out. Mr Snores-Throughout-Savasana? He is the only one truly at peace, don’t you think? 😀

      Reply

Leave a reply to twindaddy Cancel reply