Life and Other Funny Things

The Delicate Process of Writing a Blog Post

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Step 1: Decide to write a post. You haven’t written anything for over a week, which in blog-time is years. Eons even.
Step 2: Realize that you are completely utterly blocked. But how is that possible? You can’t have writer’s block if you aren’t a writer!
Step 3: Make some coffee even though you quit drinking coffee. Blogging without coffee is shameful.
Step 4: Go to the Gods of Google hoping that you might find some inspiration. Spend some hours doing this.
Step 5: Make yourself a snack. Maybe you should write about your love of soy chips? You DO love soy chips.
Step 6: Decide against that. Soy chips are not things you publicize. Soy chips are meant to be eaten in the privacy of one’s home with no one around. NOBODY can know that you eat, let alone like, soy chips. To everyone concerned you love Doritos. Doritos leave a nice after-snack snack embedded in your nails.
Step 7: Fart loudly. So loud that you’re worried that Mr.Vespa across the street (the one that you accidentally flashed last year) heard it. Console yourself by declaring that nothing is sexier than a very loud fart. The louder the better.
Step 8: Start writing about farts and their various types. The silent fart, the accidental yoga fart, the intentional fart, the tyrannosaurus fart, the fart to show up another’s fart, the ever polite I-farted-because-you-farted fart.
Step 9: Understand you are a grown person and that fart humor is juvenile*. Fart once more and save writing about farts for another day.
Step 10: Decide to write about your writing process.
Step 11: Realize what a ridiculous idea that is.
Step 12: Screw it, it’s your blog. Publish it anyway.

*No it isn’t. Non-writer’s writer’s block is really bad. Even fart humor becomes unfunny.

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135 thoughts on “The Delicate Process of Writing a Blog Post

  1. Writing becomes an ART because of the fact that it has a delicate process. It’s like a baby -so delicate. Once you care take good care of them, they’ll give you satisfaction and happiness. That’s writing, I guess.

  2. Of course you could always try writing to one of Word Press’s lovely prompts. No, wait. That might leave you more blocked than you were before you started. You might need massive quantities of coffee and/or soy chips and/or Doritos. On second thought, just go with farts.

  3. I have written a few posts about farts/farting on my blog. It never gets old. I would pimp them out with some links, but that would be in bad taste. So, I’ll just fart some Van Halen tunes instead.

  4. So you flashed Mr. Vespa, did that prompt a nude OMG fart ??…LOL Oh by the way, he liked the flash, all guys do !

  5. So many great things here! love your writing process. I am not even sure what a soy chip if you like ’em they are probably awesome. 🙂 Writers block? Do something else creative and the block will disappear. Like Magic. That works for me anyway. There is one thing that is always funny and that my friend is writing about farts. They are a part of life like taxes and Justin Bieber, but they are far more interesting and funny to talk about. 🙂 Oh yeah, you flash your neighbors? Thank you for the Monday morning sunshine my friend! you are a giant superstar!

    • A soy chip is…..gosh I have no idea either. It’s made of soy? I like them anyway 🙂
      You do magic? That’s awesome! Wish I could see it. So hard to write about magic huh?
      The neighbor flashing was an accident!
      You make Mondays so much better, Jon! Have a good one 😉

  6. I have it, too! In fact I just blogged about it yesterday, I think it was yesterday. Love this post. Fluff is fun and this post is humorous even if you can’t see it. 🙂

  7. I know I’m in trouble when I’m trying to think of something to write about and say to myself, “Um, let’s see… it’d probably be funny if a thing was… not like it is… but like another thing…” and then I try and figure out what a good thing is.

  8. I’m quite convinced that the term Bloggers Block is now a well documented affliction. Soy chips, well, you can definitely write about those as I’ve never heard of them before. Recent documentation has shown that farting is, indeed, the best cure for Bloggers Block so I believe you shall be well on your way to recovery shortly.

  9. Yoga farts are what I fear most about yoga class, which I finally dared last week. No yoga farts. Yay. I think the blogging block is an epidemic. If all else fails, write about the block. Or just write one word. I got more hits for those posts, which probably says something about my writing.

    • I actually thought about trying out your epic one word posts. How do you do those?! I couldn’t think of a single word. It can’t just be one word, it has to be THE perfect word! You, mighty Alice of Wonderland, amaze me.
      As for yoga farts beware of the non-fart farts. I was in the plank pose and lost my balance when my knee brushed against the mat creating a loud fart-like noise. It was beyond embarrassing.

      • I have a cushy mat that’s great for knees, but bad for balance. And it makes farty noises when you slide.

        I thought your post titled Porn was great. You could do the same thing, only switch it around. Call it “The Greatest Gift of All” and then just write “cupcakes”. Presto.

  10. Oh my…is it terribly wrong that I could read you blog about farts literally forever? I would be a withered skeleton at my laptop, but I would have died doing what I love.

    You forgot the really long fart you do in the morning in the bathroom after spending the night with someone you still aren’t on farting terms with. The one that’s been accumulating during the dinner, the movie and everything else.

    I think that’s my favorite fart. Yes, I’m sick…

    Rohan.

  11. Unfortunately, I don’t do coffee or soy chips, and my farts only inspire me to move away from the computer. No wonder I feel prolific if I blog once a week.
    But I’ll check out that Google thing…

    • Woohoo! But there really should be more posts about farts and soy chips, what’s not to like about farts and soy chips? Oh here’s an idea, a post about soy chip induced farts! No? Okay.

  12. Oh for bloggers block that results in a post like this. And here’s something to look forward to – when you get old and some-one tells you that you fart in your sleep – not that I know about that personally!!!

  13. the other day my daughter farted so loud and repetitious that the dog thought some one was knocking on the door.. Haaaa the dog barked for 15 minutes. We laughed so freaking hard. Farts are good writing material.
    No Doritos while blogging..keyboard gets orange.

  14. Pingback: When Laptops Die, Don’t be an Asshole! | rohan7things

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