Health, Weight, and Workouts

Dear Allergies,

Dear Allergies,

Why do you hate me so? Haven’t I always taken care of you? I make sure you aren’t agitated. Almost every day, I make sure that YOU are my first priority.

I haven’t gotten near a peanut in years, Allergies. I look on with jealousy when I see kids with those bright yellow packs of peanut M&Ms. Oh peanut M&Ms, the forbidden candy. And I relate a PB&J sandwich to suicide. If that wasn’t enough, the staff of the take away place around the corner call me ‘No Peanut Girl’!  I bet that’s what they’ve saved my number as. One time I just know they meant to say “Hello, will it be the usual, No Peanut Girl?”. He saved it at the last minute by saying “Hello, will it be the usual, No Peanut G‒ssss added?”

But really, Allergies, I thought that after all these years you’d at least try to cooperate. But no! Instead, you decide you aren’t getting enough attention.

Did you know, Allergies, that there are people in the world that live solely on meat? Did you?! I eat all my vegetables, I eat a healthy amount of dairy and carbs. It’s not like I’m neglecting my nutrition. What’s with this sudden meat allergy, huh? I’ve been scratching myself crazy all night. WTF?!

And it wasn’t enough that makeup counters scare me because of you. Some nights, I even have nightmares about getting a free makeover. I wake up screaming after the woman slaps on foundation and my face starts burning. But now you have a problem with my mascara? The one I researched about for weeks and found out does NOT aggravate allergies. It’s not like I wear it every day, Allergies. Stop acting like my grandmother, the one who says that mascara makes women look like ‘ladies of the night’. Thanks to you, my eyes were red all night. I looked like a drug addict in a blazer, Allergies!

There I was, red eyed and desperately trying not to rub myself all over the brick wall that looked like it’d be able to reach all the right spots. (Allergies, you pervert. I meant as a scratching post)

This is it. I’ve had too much of you, Allergies. I can’t live in a dysfunctional relationship like this anymore! It’s too much! I’m walking on eggshells all the time because of you (not literally of course, because god forbid I aggravate you more!).You want me all to yourself. If it were up to you, I bet you’d have me locked up away from the world for the rest of forever. I feel like I’m one allergic reaction away from being Bubble Boy.

Bubble girl 2

I had a point to this. Oh I remember.

Fuck you, Allergies.

-Four Eyes

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87 thoughts on “Dear Allergies,

  1. I can totally relate! In my later years I started having eye allergies. Now everything has to be hypo-allergenic: make-up, shampoo, body lotions … luckily I have no gray hair because I don’t think there is any such thing as hypo-allergenic hair dye! Urgh 😦

    And I miss wearing patchouli 😦

    • I’ve had eye allergies since forever. I flock to things labeled hypo-allergenic like a crazy person 🙂
      Sorry about the patchouli, but good thing about the non-gray hair 😉

      • Can you recommend a good eye make-up remover that doesn’t test on animals and is hypo-allergenic/all natural? The one I use, I love, it’s called “Earth … something … and comes in an orange bottle. It’s hard to find. I ordered it on Amazon and it’s on back order.

  2. It makes me feel wimpish having allergies but it’s because we’re ‘special’ and ‘sensitive’ that Mr/Mrs/Miss Allergy picks on us. I don’t have a nut allergy but my partner does. I get hay fever and skin rashes all the time. I sympathise with you. Don’t you find that the things you want the most are the ones you can’t have? Peanut M&Ms. Allergies are bullies. I liked your post though. 🙂

    • You’re right, we’re special!
      The funny thing is, before I found out I had a peanut allergy, I never really thought about Peanut M&Ms. I don’t even think I had them back then. Now, they’re Peanut M&Ms ! The fact that I can’t have them, just makes me want them more. 😛

      • It’s a well known problem that you want what you can’t have or when you’re told not to do something, it’s the first thing you do. So ‘Don’t think about pink elephants!’ OK (Tell me later if you did what I told you not to.) 🙂

  3. Sorry to hear that, No Peanut Girl. Allergies really suck. I think it would be interesting to see how we are saved in other people’s phones. I know for a lot of places, I’m probably just “foreigner”.

  4. I am so embarrassed to say I don’t have allergies. Except to sulpha drugs which doesn’t count because how often do you come across those anyway. You have my sympathies though. I have some relatives that have them so badly they go into asthma attacks. perhaps your allergies are trying to stop you from looking like a hooker. 🙂

    • Haha! You cracked me up with the last one, Kate 😀
      Maybe they are just looking out for me, that’s pretty nice of them. I wonder what they’re saving me from when they give me the drug-addict-eyes…

  5. Love it as usual. Sorry I have missed so much of your wit and insight over the past few months. I need to get back to writing, and reading wonderful blogs like yours. Thank you No Peanut Girl. 🙂 You as always make my day!

  6. Ugh. I HATE allergies. Mine are so bad that I went in for allergy testing, and my doctor was like, “Wow, you really have a lot of allergies! I don’t see this often.” lol I also have terrible fall allergies, and summer is winding down, so I’m thrilled about that. I feel your pain. I don’t necessarily have food allergies, but still. I feel you. I’m allergic to everything else in the world. haha

  7. I so understand, except for the mascara thing, umm don’t do that!
    Otherwise.. yuppers.
    Point to note for me though is that I am not allergic to peanuts, but if I have more than a small amount.. bam.. Migraine!

  8. I do not know if cursing out your arch nemesis is entirely a good idea. They tend to come back with reinforcements. However I am all for standing up for yourself against the allergy bully…so give ’em hell! And make sure you keep your hypo-allergenic shield close at hand =)

  9. Hey. I know her. She keeps waking me up at night by making my eyes itch. I’m glad I only have two, and not four eyes, like you. And I am only allergic to pollen. And cats. And latex — don’t ask how I know that one . . .

  10. I am allergic to the planet. Everything green, every tree, bush, plant, grass, etc. Also molds. And cute kittens and puppies. I’m not sure about foods – at least I don’t have major life-threatening reactions. Oh, yeah, and I’m apparently becoming allergic to my allergy shots in the best irony ever. I get bronchitis way too damn often and if I get pneumonia again I might shove a nebulizer tube through my ear into my brain. It’s getting to where I’m scared to go near mold, or outside, or to pet the freaking kitten . . . it looks SO INNOCENT! I have 0 sick leave. Fuck you, allergies, indeed!

  11. i am with you on this. i have allergy/sinus issues during much of the year. many times, my eyes are so red, that people ask me if i’m okay, overtired, have been crying, etc.

    • I feel for you, I really do. With eye allergies I can’t decide which is worse, the dreadful itching or all the people pointing out the red eyes. Either one, we’re in this together.

  12. I was never allergic to anything but as I get older I develop strange and unexplained allergies to things. And then you have to figure what it is and why!

  13. The only thing I’m allergic to is the Sun. That’s right – a couple of days in the sun, and I get an itchy rash. Luckily, I don’t get allergic to anything smaller than 800,000 miles in diameter.

  14. Ha! Love this post. I hate allergies: bee stings, other random bug bites, perfume, pollen and veggies. Okay, I’m lying about the veggies. I’m not good like you, but when I go to people’s homes I say, I’m allergic to veggies. I feel more grown up that way instead of saying, I can’t stand them and if I take a bite I’ll puke all over the table.

  15. Awww 😦 That sucks! I get a little hay fever sometimes but that’s it really, oh and I really dislike a lot of deodorants and perfumes.

    Once the books are unpacked I’ll send you the allergy affirmation, remind me next time!! Who knows, it might just do the trick!

    *Big nudie, peanut-free hugs!*


  16. I recently discovered I was allergic to bees after having gotten stung for the first time. Nothing happened at first, but two weeks later my whole body was covered in a painful, itchy rash. Now I have an epi pen because the next time could be fatal, oh joy!

    I will say that I used to have a lot of skin allergies, especially with makeup, lotion, shampoo, etc. Since going gluten free that has completely changed. Maybe you have a dietary sensitivity that causes these things to flare up a bit?

  17. Allergies are the worst.

    I was getting allergy shots before I left Florida- two shots in each arm, every week. It was kinda working, too. Then I had to ruin it by moving to a place with entirely different flora and fauna. Hmph.

  18. After a gruelling six-week elimination diet I’m still not sure what makes my allergies flare up… Now I just have to live with the little fuckers. You’re not alone.

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