Why do you hate me so? Haven’t I always taken care of you? I make sure you aren’t agitated. Almost every day, I make sure that YOU are my first priority.
I haven’t gotten near a peanut in years, Allergies. I look on with jealousy when I see kids with those bright yellow packs of peanut M&Ms. Oh peanut M&Ms, the forbidden candy. And I relate a PB&J sandwich to suicide. If that wasn’t enough, the staff of the take away place around the corner call me ‘No Peanut Girl’! I bet that’s what they’ve saved my number as. One time I just know they meant to say “Hello, will it be the usual, No Peanut Girl?”. He saved it at the last minute by saying “Hello, will it be the usual, No Peanut G‒ssss added?”
But really, Allergies, I thought that after all these years you’d at least try to cooperate. But no! Instead, you decide you aren’t getting enough attention.
Did you know, Allergies, that there are people in the world that live solely on meat? Did you?! I eat all my vegetables, I eat a healthy amount of dairy and carbs. It’s not like I’m neglecting my nutrition. What’s with this sudden meat allergy, huh? I’ve been scratching myself crazy all night. WTF?!
And it wasn’t enough that makeup counters scare me because of you. Some nights, I even have nightmares about getting a free makeover. I wake up screaming after the woman slaps on foundation and my face starts burning. But now you have a problem with my mascara? The one I researched about for weeks and found out does NOT aggravate allergies. It’s not like I wear it every day, Allergies. Stop acting like my grandmother, the one who says that mascara makes women look like ‘ladies of the night’. Thanks to you, my eyes were red all night. I looked like a drug addict in a blazer, Allergies!
There I was, red eyed and desperately trying not to rub myself all over the brick wall that looked like it’d be able to reach all the right spots. (Allergies, you pervert. I meant as a scratching post)
This is it. I’ve had too much of you, Allergies. I can’t live in a dysfunctional relationship like this anymore! It’s too much! I’m walking on eggshells all the time because of you (not literally of course, because god forbid I aggravate you more!).You want me all to yourself. If it were up to you, I bet you’d have me locked up away from the world for the rest of forever. I feel like I’m one allergic reaction away from being Bubble Boy.
I had a point to this. Oh I remember.
Fuck you, Allergies.