He’s the guy in the corner watching your every move. You can’t get much past him. Lucky for us, The Hook’s observation skills are exceptional, and people are fascinating no matter where they are. Enjoy his guest post about the people you meet in emergency rooms and don’t forget to visit his blog for more hilarious encounters with the strangest people!
Over the last few months I’ve spent more time in my local emergency room than I have in years.
A wonderfully upbeat opening, right?
Fortunately for me, the emergencies didn’t involve my forty-two-year-old white, male Canadian Olympian form (Stop laughing!), then again, watching family members suffer is a form of pain that cuts deeper than any wound.
Boy, I’m full of sunshine and rainbows today, aren’t I?
Let’s get to the funny, shall we?
And here it is: as it turns out, if you’re a people watcher like me – and our lovely host – emergency rooms are a veritable flea market, where you can literally find anything – though you may not want to leave with it. Here is a brief breakdown of some of the beautiful creatures you can spot in your local ER.
(I highly recommend you look for these folks the next time you find yourself stuck to a plastic chair in an ER; it kills time and distracts you from your agony.)
1) LESS THAN GRACEFUL PEELERS.
Granted, it may be difficult for some of you to spot a wounded stripper if you happen to dwell in a prudish, upbeat area, but if you do, then move. Now.
I’m not going to debate the merits of adult entertainment in this forum – we’re here for laughs, people, nothing more, nothing less – but strippers are a part of this world and they’re not going anywhere.
Unfortunately for them, accidents happen. It can’t be easy interrupting a dance routine to bend over and let some drunken male goofball stuff a bill or two in your G-string. Look for the following telltale signs when examining a fellow ER visitor whom you may suspect is employed in the adult entertainment industry.
- Faded and peeling mascara worthy of Alice Cooper.
- Flaking body glitter.
- A thong or G-string peeking out of the top of a faded pair of jeans or track pants.
- Piles of small bills jammed into the pockets of said faded jeans or track pants.
- A dull, vacant look in your subject’s eyes OR a chirpy, giggly look that screams “I love being a dancer – and a carrier!”
2) YOUNG PARENTS COMPLETELY OUT OF THEIR ELEMENT – AND MINDS.
Don’t get me wrong, there are thousands of young moms and dads who are doing an admirable job of raising their little accidents… I mean kids. However, many of the young parents I have observed have as much common sense as a young Dina Lohan or a teenage Patti Mallette. (She’s the woman responsible for creating one of pop culture’s greatest monsters, Justin Bieber. Just so you know who to direct your justifiable rage at.)
Young clueless dads are usually sporting:
- A backwards hat. (Natch.)
- The requisite white, sleeveless “wife beater” t-shirt, with at least one highly visible stain.
- Cheap gold chains.
- Baggy pants.
- Shoes that cost more than I make in a day.
- A startling lack of originality.
As for young female progenitors without a clue…
- More make-up than Le Clown on New Year’s Eve.
- Ripped pink track pants with the word “Juicy” scrawled on the buttocks.
- Gaudy jewelry that would make Liberace’s ghost jealous.
- Greasy hair pulled into a bun or a ponytail.
- A look that says “I can’t believe I let this Eminem wannabe jump up and down on me for five minutes and now I have a little human to care for even though I can barely manage to get through a single day without breaking at least five laws of nature!” (Or something like that. I don’t speak dumbass, so these looks are difficult to interpret.)
3) EMPLOYEE #13
Take a good look around and you’ll always be able to spot this poor unlucky soul. This is the employee who is having an extremely bad day.
Sometimes #13 is a cook with a bloody towel wrapped around his “sliced ‘n diced” thumb (enjoy that Chicken Parmesan with the extra red sauce, pal!) or a construction worker with a pole protruding from his foot – so much for the power of steel toe boots – but either way, you can always count on a work place safety failure to enrich your stay in the ER.
4) YOUR LESS-THAN-FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD WINO
Alcoholism is a sickness. It devastates families. It rots souls from the inside out.
That having been said, we’re hear to laugh, correct? So let’s put the lectures aside and laugh, all right?
At this very moment, in an emergency room somewhere in North America, a lone figure is slowly rocking in a plastic seat while muttering obscenities to himself.
- His clothes – jeans and a AC/DC concert shirt – are dirty.
- His hair is long and unkempt.
- The eyes are the windows to the soul, but in this case, the soul has been washed away by rivers of booze, so all you can see are two bloodshot orbs.
The wino is a sad figure when examined deeply, but at first glance he looks like every headbanger you knew in high school – all rolled up into one messy, pickled package.
5) NOT-SO-GOLDEN OLDIES
The human body is an amazing instrument, capable of great feats of strength and endurance, while enduring great punishment. However, some bodies age more gracefully than others.
Speaking of which…
Old folks are the architects of this world and as such, are more than worthy of our respect… but there are times they make your head explode.
ERs are filled with slow-moving seniors who smell of Bengay and moth balls. They drool. They slowly raise their hands and attempt to make a fist to shake at invisible foes. They fare well during the three-hour emergency room wait, but only because they have no idea where the hell they are.
Ignorance truly is bliss, friends.
That wraps up this edition of “People You Meet In…”, folks. My thanks to our lovely naked-bloggin’ host, Miss Four Eyes. See you soon and try to stay out of the ER, all right?
Want more from The Hook? Start here:
- Who Says The Art of Conversation is Dead?
- Truly, I Am Fate’s Bitch.
- A Look Inside My Brain. (Be Afraid.)