Guest Post

People You Meet In Emergency Rooms

He’s the guy in the corner watching your every move. You can’t get much past him. Lucky for us, The Hook’s observation skills are exceptional, and people are fascinating no matter where they are. Enjoy his guest post about the people you meet in emergency rooms and don’t forget to visit his blog for more hilarious encounters with the strangest people!

Over the last few months I’ve spent more time in my local emergency room than I have in years.

A wonderfully upbeat opening, right?

Fortunately for me, the emergencies didn’t involve my forty-two-year-old white, male Canadian Olympian form (Stop laughing!), then again, watching family members suffer is a form of pain that cuts deeper than any wound.

Boy, I’m full of sunshine and rainbows today, aren’t I?

Let’s get to the funny, shall we?

And here it is: as it turns out, if you’re a people watcher like me – and our lovely host – emergency rooms are a veritable flea market, where you can literally find anything – though you may not want to leave with it.  Here is a brief breakdown of some of the beautiful creatures you  can spot in your local ER.

(I highly recommend you look for these folks the next time you find yourself stuck to a plastic chair in an ER; it kills time and distracts you from your agony.)

1) LESS THAN GRACEFUL PEELERS.

Granted, it may be difficult for some of you to spot a wounded stripper if you happen to dwell in a prudish, upbeat area, but if you do, then move. Now.

I’m not going to debate the merits of adult entertainment in this forum – we’re here for laughs, people, nothing more, nothing less – but strippers are a part of this world and they’re not going anywhere.

Unfortunately for them, accidents happen. It can’t be easy interrupting a dance routine to bend over and let some drunken male goofball stuff a bill or two in your G-string. Look for the following telltale signs when examining a fellow ER visitor whom you may suspect is employed in the adult entertainment industry.

  • Faded and peeling mascara worthy of Alice Cooper.
  • Flaking body glitter.
  • A thong or G-string peeking out of the top of a faded pair of jeans or track pants.
  • Piles of small bills jammed into the pockets of said faded jeans or track pants.
  • A dull, vacant look in your subject’s eyes OR a chirpy, giggly look that screams “I love being a dancer – and a carrier!”

2) YOUNG PARENTS COMPLETELY OUT OF THEIR ELEMENT – AND MINDS.

Don’t get me wrong, there are thousands of young moms and dads who are doing an admirable job of raising their little accidents… I mean kids. However, many of the young parents I have observed have as much common sense as a young Dina Lohan or a teenage Patti Mallette. (She’s the woman responsible for creating one of pop culture’s greatest monsters, Justin Bieber. Just so you know who to direct your justifiable rage at.)

Young clueless dads are usually sporting:

  • A backwards hat. (Natch.)
  • The requisite white, sleeveless “wife beater” t-shirt, with at least one highly visible stain.
  • Cheap gold chains.
  • Baggy pants.
  • Shoes that cost more than I make in a day.
  • A startling lack of originality.

As for young female progenitors without a clue…

  • More make-up than Le Clown on New Year’s Eve.
  • Ripped pink track pants with the word “Juicy” scrawled on the buttocks.
  • Gaudy jewelry that would make Liberace’s ghost jealous.
  • Greasy hair pulled into a bun or a ponytail.
  • A look that says “I can’t believe I let this Eminem wannabe jump up and down on me for five minutes and now I have a little human to care for even though I can barely manage to get through a single day without breaking at least five laws of nature!” (Or something like that. I don’t speak dumbass, so these looks are difficult to interpret.)

3) EMPLOYEE #13

Take a good look around and you’ll always be able to spot this poor unlucky soul. This is the employee who is having an extremely bad day.

Sometimes #13 is a cook with a bloody towel wrapped around his “sliced ‘n diced” thumb (enjoy that Chicken Parmesan with the extra red sauce, pal!) or a construction worker with a pole protruding from his foot – so much for the power of steel toe boots – but either way, you can always count on a work place safety failure to enrich your stay in the ER.

4) YOUR LESS-THAN-FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD WINO

Alcoholism is a sickness. It devastates families. It rots souls from the inside out.

That having been said, we’re hear to laugh, correct? So let’s put the lectures aside and laugh, all right?

At this very moment, in an emergency room somewhere in North America, a lone figure is slowly rocking in a plastic seat while muttering obscenities to himself.

  • His clothes – jeans and a AC/DC concert shirt – are dirty.
  • His hair is long and unkempt.
  • The eyes are the windows to the soul, but in this case, the soul has been washed away by rivers of booze, so all you can see are two bloodshot orbs.

The wino is a sad figure when examined deeply, but at first glance he looks like every headbanger you knew in high school – all rolled up into one messy, pickled package.

5) NOT-SO-GOLDEN OLDIES

The human body is an amazing instrument, capable of great feats of strength and endurance, while enduring great punishment. However, some bodies age more gracefully than others.

Speaking of which…

Old folks are the architects of this world and as such, are more than worthy of our respect… but there are times they make your head explode.

ERs are filled with slow-moving seniors who smell of Bengay and moth balls. They drool. They slowly raise their hands and attempt to make a fist to shake at invisible foes. They fare well during the three-hour emergency room wait, but only because they have no idea where the hell they are.

Ignorance truly is bliss, friends.

That wraps up this edition of “People You Meet In…”, folks. My thanks to our lovely naked-bloggin’ host, Miss Four Eyes. See you soon and try to stay out of the ER, all right?
The Hook.

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49 thoughts on “People You Meet In Emergency Rooms

    • Le Clown,
      Indeed.
      Truth be told, old friend, you’ve floored me. I was just writing of your clown make-up for another guest post I’m writing – it is but a mere mention, I promise – and here we are on Miss Four Eyes’ site and you mention make-up?
      Your powers are wondrous and vast.
      The Hook.

  1. Reblogged this on You've Been Hooked! and commented:
    As mortals, we are subject to the forces of entropy, and as a result, are forced to seek medical assistance as our bodies succumb to outside forces and internal decay. But there is a silver lining, friends: we can console ourselves by laughing at our fellow mortals as they moan, bitch and behave like fools in the ER. Click over to Miss Four Eyes’ site and enjoy my guest post. STAT!

  2. Usually, I fall asleep in waiting rooms, waiting for the people that I bring into said waiting rooms. The circumstances are so sad. Liked the post though.

  3. I have to admit, I love the smell of Bengay and moth balls…. I’m gearing up for old age….look for me in the ER,

    You forgot the germ-o-phobe that is sitting on the smallest amount of seat possible trying not to touch anything and gripping hankies to their face in an attempt to seal themselves off from the germs of the sickies.

  4. I am happy to say I have not spent any length of time in an emergency room (knock on wood) so I will simply have to trust your observational skills. But I have seen some of these characters out and about (especially in Walmart – but that’s a whole other zoo). Haha I suddenly get the feeling we are inside one of those big Look-n-Find books they always kept in my dentist’s office…first one to spot them all wins. Great post!

  5. Oh man, I’m so glad I haven’t had to spend much time in the ER (sorry!). The worst for me is the vomiting kid, there always seems to be one around me. I’m sitting next to the guy with no head before I sit next to that kid!

    Great post mate 🙂

    Rohan.

  6. My thoughts went back to the last trip (I’m happy to say was A WHILE ago) to the ER. When my dad was dying of cancer, there were many 😦 We are a relatively healthy family so it is usually an injury that makes us part of the waiting room display.
    Loved your post as always…..

  7. Hey, I may be a young clueless dad, but that doesn’t give you the right to laugh at me! Oh… it does? Oh, okay, never mind then. I need to work on that list though – baggy pants I have, they aren’t baggy intentionally mind you, that’s just how all pants look on me; they rest of the list however I don’t have. I think I’m going to work on wearing my hat backwards first and go from there.

  8. Shiver. ER’s are great places for writers, but not for patients or sick people. Avoid! Avoid!
    (and hide if the cops can’t keep that whacked out meth guy on the stretcher. Stun guns have no effect on them….and how is it some of those big dudes can have multiple bullet holes and still be walking around filling out forms calmly..and seem to know all the ER staff by name?)
    Stick with the hotel crowd, Hook!

  9. The ER is better than people watching at the Boardwalk and you nailed it! My favorite is the patient with the entourage from all walks of life fawning all over the poor soul, not because they care, but this might be “it” and they all get to fight over his estate. You can take one look and know he left it all to the dog.

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