Life and Other Funny Things

The Neighbors

Every year around this time the entire neighborhood gets together to celebrate a festival that lasts for about five days. It’s around this time of year I realize how weird my neighbors are and how much fun it is listening to them talk.

Bewildered Man – I see him every morning I walk my dog. He has a perpetually shocked look on his face. I don’t know what it is. The first time I saw him, I figured he’d seen something really shocking. It must be something, I thought, people don’t just walk around like that. I was wrong. He does walk around like that. No matter what he’s doing he always looks like this:

It’s difficult talking to this guy. It’s not that he’s rude or anything, it’s just that everything he says sounds horrifying when delivered with that look. “My wife is the best woman on the planet!” sounds like he’s being held hostage and was threatened into saying that.

How-Often-Does-Your-Dog-Poop Lady – She has a dog. I have a dog. It was a bonding factor. That was until she started hounding me down to talk about my dog’s bowel movements every time we met. It was fine at first, I am a very pro-poop person. But every time? Really?! We’ve discussed location, frequency, color, and pretty much everything else there is to talk about poop. I try to run, but she just hunts me back down.

Crisis Alert – I love this woman. She’s a great source of entertainment. There’s always a major crisis going on with her. The word ‘major’ being used rather loosely. Either she spilled something on her dress (NOOO!) or her son has some snot dangling from his nose (OMG!! NOOO! The horror!). The face she makes during these situations is by far the best. Her husband, who’s only in his late thirties, already has too much white hair. I feel for him.

The Fashion Police –She loves talking about other people’s clothes. The other day she came up to me with Crisis Alert to tell me that someone committed  the worst fashion crime known to man: a dress repeat.
My thoughts on the horrifying news: 1. I didn’t even notice. 2. It was a nice dress, so I can see why she wore it again. 3. I can’t believe these women catalogue other people’s clothes. 4. I may never leave the house now for fear of committing fashion suicide or something. 5. I think I need a database for all my clothes and the dates I wore them on, just in case.
My response to the horrifying news: *Gasp* (what? I didn’t know what else to do)

Mrs. You-Should-Get-Your-Eyes-Lasered – I actively try to dodge her when she looks me in the eye. For two years now this woman has taken it as her personal goal to try to get me to get my eyes lasered. Why? I don’t know. I don’t even wear the big goofy Miss Four Eyes glasses to these things. She hasn’t seen my other glasses. She doesn’t even know the worst of it.

I do love my neighbors! Well maybe not all the time, but there is love here nonetheless.
What are your neighbors like?

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92 thoughts on “The Neighbors

  1. You have such interesting neighbors. I never talk to mine at all, beyond an occasional hello (well, the Korean equivalent). Of course, maybe they’re talking about me. Maybe I’m on someone’s blog list as Bearded Foreign Weirdo. I kind of hope so.

  2. We have lived here almost two years and all I know is one is an Eagles fan and the other is a Packers fan (based on how their cars are decorated). I’m OK with that. My last neighbors I knew way too much about, mostly because I had to call the police on them more than once.

      • Partying all hours of the night (we were in a townhouse apartment), waking my kid up when the mother decided to throw bottles of bleach against the wall in a fight with her son. This woman was my age and acting like she was a teenager like her kids. Normally I don’t care about noise or such, but every night? I hated being one of “those” neighbors but eventually they got kicked out anyway.

  3. Love your sense of humor. My neighbors are pretty quiet and are not out much unless they are doing yard work. Our homes are pretty far apart but I talk over the fence with the ones on each side of us now and then. We talk to them more if we happen to meet up while shopping. Hugs

  4. Your neighbours are awesome! The guy next door to me always wears a wife-beater and shorts. It was the middle of winter and snowing up the road and he was outside dressed like that. It’s so ridiculous it’s funny.

  5. I think I love your neighbours. I’m of the mind that if you aren’t surrounded by interesting, crazy, obscure people your life is lacking 😉 My neighbours? My closest (proximity) neighbour brings me cake when he’s drunk, which is nice. He looks in my windows when he’s sober, though, which is not so nice. And kind of creepy. Another neighbour calls me every time she hears a noise outside – sometimes to simply ask if I heard it, other times she expects me to get my Nancy Drew on and investigate. I don’t know how she obtained my phone number – I should probably investigate THAT. Neighbour number three waves frantically when she sees me but has yet to utter a single word to me in the eight years I’ve been living here – I think I like her the most. My walking-buddy neighbour deserves a mention, as she gets my ass out of bed for morning walking before work. Finally, there’s eye-shifting, I’m-hiding-from-the-police-because-I’m-actually-an-axe-murderer neighbour. Maybe he just lacks social skills?

    • Haha! I think I love your neighbors too.
      Drunk cake neighbor sounds great, anything for cake. Plus what are curtains for right? And for Nancy Drew, maybe you should really go over there with a magnifying glass someday just to see her reaction. 😀

  6. Your neighbors sound interesting, especially the perpetually shocked guy, haha. I only have a few neighbors – the sweet old couple who are crazy about their dogs (and the lady gets super emotional over the simplest things), the rude neighbor who thinks it’s funny that his demon dog terrorizes anyone who walks by the house (I’m telling you, that invisible fence doesn’t work!), and the just married couple who hang out their laundry together. 😀

  7. I’m pretty sure all of these neighbors are bloggers, too. I’m pretty sure I saw blogs about dog poop, constant crises, other people’s bad clothing choices, and end of the world. Though, I would have thought that the laser one was a spambot.

  8. We had new neighbors move in next door about 3 months ago. I have seen them twice and never met them. That’s ok. It allows me to make up stories as to why they are never seen. You can’t even catch them at the mail box or taking out the garbage. Very sinister indeed!

  9. My neighbor lets her elderly dog out to pee without a leash in the mornings. He is dog-aggressive. When I go by with Ernie or Ralphy on their leashes, she screams at her dog to go into the house. I mean, she SCREAMS! It’s horrible. The dog must be traumatized. She must hate me for bringing my dogs near her stoop. But I can’t help it. We have to walk by her door. It’s so weird.

  10. Your fashion lady would have been appalled at what I did yesterday. I could find the match to my sock, so I found one that was of similar color, but different pattern. Of course no one would have noticed…except her.

  11. Your neighbours sound like a lot of fun! I’ve lived in the same place for two years, and I know all my neighbours because at one time or another, I have had to knock on their doors to move their cars because they have parked their vehicle behind mine. Sometimes its a steely stare for waking them up 🙂

  12. Ha! This poop lady fascinates me, as the PT King I must know more!

    Neighbors are weird alright, we have this one guy who just screams the word POLAND as loud as he can at random intervals. On real quiet mornings you can hear him from kilometers away!

    Oh and don’t get layered, you wouldn’t be Miss Four Eyes anymore! Just Miss Two Eyes…it’s not the same 😦

    *Big, nudie, neighborly hugs!*

    Rohan.

    • Hahaha! POLAND! That’s hilarious! Do you know why? Why Poland, why not MINSK or CEREAL!

      Oh don’t worry. The thought of getting lasered terrifies me enough. Plus I’d have to change everything on my blog! Right down to my cartoon guy.

      *Big nudie POLAND hugs!*

  13. My neighbours? haha, I don’t know most of them. Well, we have a perpetually shocked guy here as well, he’s quite old and he stays with that weird face the whole day. When I cycle back home from school, he stares at me from his balcony as if a bear has entered the street or something. And talking about the Fashion Police, I can say virtually every woman in here notes who wore what which day, and then they talk among themselves on these matters. On wearing a dress this way or that way. Pathetic.

    • Haha, guess we all have the fashion police around. I can’t believe these women actually remember it all. I don’t even remember what I had for breakfast yesterday, let alone someone elses clothes from days ago.

  14. We live on a high-traffic street, so I really don’t have any neighbor interaction. Not that that really saddens me…

    A dress repeat? Jeez, I constantly have clothes repeats. In fact, I pretty much recycle the same nice clothes over and over again. Maybe it’s me your neighbor was talking about. 😉

    Very funny post!

    • Oh no, Carrie! A dress repeat?! *gasp*

      Seriously though, me too on the recycling clothes. How many clothes they have to never wear them again?!
      I want to catch her with the same clothes on. But that would require paying attention and remembering, so maybe not.

  15. Neighbors? I hear them sometimes… I might know one of their names, but I could be making that up. I wave as we drive in opposite directions. I guess I have some. Then again, the people I wave at could just be friends who visit from time to time. I really wouldn’t know.

  16. Oh my. I should write about my neighbors sometime. I moved at the end of April, into a trailor park. Yup, a trailor park and I am loving it! But…..but some of my neighbors are to die for. They are true characters! You would love them. Really. Okay maybe not but they make me laugh. Now I really am going to have to write about them. hahaha!
    As for the fashion police neighbor, I would certainly give her something to gasp about. 😉

  17. What characters you having living amongst you! I’m just cracking up here. I think the dog lady is the scariest. As far as the fashion police goes, I think you should just go sans clothing. See what she makes of that one!! It sounds like they’d make a great book. I guess you’d have to write under a pen name though.

    • The dog lady is pretty scary. The worst is, she’s a close-talker. You know the kind? They step in way too close when they’re taking. So there we are, talking about our dogs’ poops, and she’s standing 6 inches away from my face while I try to back away.

  18. Hmm interesting characters in your neighbourhood. Some folks are naturally kooky and it’s taking the time to find out how kooky they can be. My neighbours..hmm one lot scream and yell taking their abusive mutterings out into their front garden. They are also cruel to dogs. When their kids were younger they would have to go and sit on the kerb in order to get away from their out of control arguing. I have had to ring the Police twice, also the RSPCA regarding their dog. The ones on the other side – just a hi now and then when we are both out the front. I lived in a court (cul-de-sac) don’t really speak on know others. Interesting and hysterical post.

  19. Funny as ever. I like the way you named your neighbours. I name mine according to their country of origin such as Mr. Frenchie, Mr. Polish, Mr. Scottish, Mr. Ireland….

  20. Let’s see…
    Over the years there have been:
    1) A double murderer.
    2) A crazy lesbian.
    3) A drug addict whose ultimate fate was to be killed at home, rolled up in a carpet, and dumped in a quarry.

    Who says Niagara Falls is all about tacky souvenir shops and sweaty tourists?

  21. I think my husband and I are the strangest neighbors in our neighborhood. o.o;; We work at night, and everyone else around us have nice 9-5pm jobs. Once we were planting our flowers at night and digging around with our shovels, and I noticed people peeking out their curtains at us. What? We sleep during the day, even on our days off. That doesn’t leave much daylight time for us to do things. I’m sure we looked like we were trying to bury a body in our garden or something. Oh well. It is fun to be mysterious. 😉

  22. I have neighbors? I like to stay inside. There are enough weirdos where I work. I had some interesting ones at the last house. We lived in a less, um, safe neighborhood so there was “guy who likes to light firecrackers on his porch”, “lady who has a garage sale every day”, “parent who has no idea where small children are and lets them roam the neighborhood freely as strays.” and “People who are probably doing drugs or else are best buddies with three policemen who just happen to drive over there Friday nights with their lights flashing.” Etc. I am in a better neighborhood now but I’m not taking my chances.

  23. I have some weird neighbors too. I even have nicknames for them. We usually gather twice a year, once for the Chirstmas party and once for the annual voting in the condo board. (I live in a condo). I loved the post it made me chuckle and think of my own neighborly relations.

    Also I saw you stopped by and liked my first post. Thank you for that.

      • Oh yeah it was my first post. It was very kind of her to drive some traffic my way. I had written a bit before but was afraid to post because of some mean feedback from before. This time around seems to be going much better. She helped motivate me to post. My neighbors are a weird lot, I’ll have to write about them someday.

  24. Um, one of my neighbors was putting his fishing equipment in his truck while I was walking past, and he made some remark about catching a mermaid. My neighbors are creepy.

  25. Pingback: Dear Neighbor, Why do you let your dog poop in my yard? | Cassie Warren SOCIAL TALK

  26. Thank God I never see my neighbours. You never know, do you? I can’t think of anything worse than daily poop conversations.
    Although, we did once live above a lady who thought poking a stun gun through her neighbours’ security door would encourage them to turn down the volume. Surprisingly it didn’t.

  27. I don’t really see my neighbors. The only one I know is Mike, who lives next door. He is really nice, but doesn’t have half of his teeth and somehow he brings girls in from the pub at 4 in the morning. Either the girls are desperate, or he’s got some really fantastic qualities – if it’s the latter, I think I need to chat to him more.

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