Every year around this time the entire neighborhood gets together to celebrate a festival that lasts for about five days. It’s around this time of year I realize how weird my neighbors are and how much fun it is listening to them talk.
Bewildered Man – I see him every morning I walk my dog. He has a perpetually shocked look on his face. I don’t know what it is. The first time I saw him, I figured he’d seen something really shocking. It must be something, I thought, people don’t just walk around like that. I was wrong. He does walk around like that. No matter what he’s doing he always looks like this:
It’s difficult talking to this guy. It’s not that he’s rude or anything, it’s just that everything he says sounds horrifying when delivered with that look. “My wife is the best woman on the planet!” sounds like he’s being held hostage and was threatened into saying that.
How-Often-Does-Your-Dog-Poop Lady – She has a dog. I have a dog. It was a bonding factor. That was until she started hounding me down to talk about my dog’s bowel movements every time we met. It was fine at first, I am a very pro-poop person. But every time? Really?! We’ve discussed location, frequency, color, and pretty much everything else there is to talk about poop. I try to run, but she just hunts me back down.
Crisis Alert – I love this woman. She’s a great source of entertainment. There’s always a major crisis going on with her. The word ‘major’ being used rather loosely. Either she spilled something on her dress (NOOO!) or her son has some snot dangling from his nose (OMG!! NOOO! The horror!). The face she makes during these situations is by far the best. Her husband, who’s only in his late thirties, already has too much white hair. I feel for him.
The Fashion Police –She loves talking about other people’s clothes. The other day she came up to me with Crisis Alert to tell me that someone committed the worst fashion crime known to man: a dress repeat.
My thoughts on the horrifying news: 1. I didn’t even notice. 2. It was a nice dress, so I can see why she wore it again. 3. I can’t believe these women catalogue other people’s clothes. 4. I may never leave the house now for fear of committing fashion suicide or something. 5. I think I need a database for all my clothes and the dates I wore them on, just in case.
My response to the horrifying news: *Gasp* (what? I didn’t know what else to do)
Mrs. You-Should-Get-Your-Eyes-Lasered – I actively try to dodge her when she looks me in the eye. For two years now this woman has taken it as her personal goal to try to get me to get my eyes lasered. Why? I don’t know. I don’t even wear the big goofy Miss Four Eyes glasses to these things. She hasn’t seen my other glasses. She doesn’t even know the worst of it.
I do love my neighbors! Well maybe not all the time, but there is love here nonetheless.
What are your neighbors like?