People I Meet at Work

Remember that terrible interview I had? The call back was so much better. I was calm and composed, and because of some freak of nature they offered me a better job. Don’t ask me how that happened, I don’t know. The point is, I’ve been successfully employed for two weeks now!

The people I work with are pretty great. Some are just….different.

1. Paul the HR person
Paul is an enigma. I’ve never seen Paul, the truth is nobody has. They say his office is on the third floor. When I went to check, there was just a phone, no Paul. Everyone’s gotten a call from this Paul. Some say Paul sounds like a man, others say it was a woman. I think Paul doesn’t even exist. Whenever the employees are free, they call new recruits saying they’re ‘Paul’. Makes sense. Who needs a real HR guy anyway, right?

2. The TMI bomber
She’s a nice person on the inside. She means well, I think. She works on the floor above mine and every time I happen to bump into her, I get a Too Much Information bomb.
Passing in the hall. BOMB “Did you hear about who’s trying to get pregnant?”
In the elevator. BOMB “OMG! I remember last Christmas, in this very elevator, Paul and I…..!” [did censored things that I’m still recovering from hearing about]
Leaving the office, trying to avoid her. BOMB “Four Eyes! Guess who just got IBS?!”
I now know about all about her IBS and its frequency. I do not know her name.

3. 50 Shades of I-can’t-believe-you-brought-that-to-work
This woman brings 50 Shades of Grey to work. I’m willing to give her a chance and say she doesn’t actually like it. There could be one of the following things going on this her:

• She’s being ironic.
• She’s doing an a very detailed research on how 50 Shades will be the end of the planet as we know it.
• It was an accident. She really wanted to read about the various shades of the color gray.

4. Fred Astaire
His first name is Fredastaire. Nobody makes any references about it whatsoever. I’m guessing all the jokes have been exhausted already. Either that, or it’s because he’s the guy who can get people fired. Yeah, that would probably encourage people to call the whole thing off. Every time he leaves his office, I always hope he does a little dance number. No luck. Yet.

5. Get off my face.
I don’t really know who this woman is. We nodded at each other in the ladies’ room once, but that’s about it. Her wallpaper says ‘Get off my face.’ And I’m not sure what to make of it. There are so many things it could mean. Mostly, I have to stop myself from bursting out into laughter every time I see her monitor.

6. Barbie’s Dream House Cubicle
It’s not a crime to like pink. But surely there’s a limit? Even Legally Blonde didn’t take it this far! This girl has her entire cubicle decorated in various shades of pink. The stapler is pink. The tissue box is pink. The soft board is pink. It used to be navy blue, but is now covered in perfect magazine cut outs. There’s a picture of a pink kitten in there too. Even her computer is pink. She should get extra points for that, it looks really hard to do. She sits right behind me and I can feel all the pink staring at me as I work. It’s like Barbie and Hello Kitty both threw up all over her corner of the office.

7. Mr. Nice-Guy
Did you guess that he was nice? Good. He is. He’s so nice, he’s restored my faith in human kind. He’s sweet and polite, and he even recycles. SO NICE.
The thing is, he looks like an axe-murderer. His eyebrows are permanently knitted together. It’s not his fault, they just grow that way. I was terrified of stepping into his office the first time I met him. He actually did have an axe then. It turned out they were just repairing something in his office. Why he had an axe is beyond me.
Sometimes he stands behind us while we work. He has those stealthy quite footsteps (good for sneaking around axe-murderer style), so we rarely realize he’s there. I nearly screamed when he called out my name in his big ex-convict-like voice today.
“Do you want a cookie, Four Eyes? My wife made them.” sounds so different when he says it.

So that’s what I encounter at work every day. As for me, I put enough post-its around my computer to give my co-workers blog material. If that doesn’t get me on someone’s secret blog, shame on me.

8. Post-it girl- I don’t know what this girl’s deal is, but she’s got enough post-its on her monitor to make word of the day toilet paper and still have some left….

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