The beginning of 2014 meant the end of something very close to me.
I was heartbroken. We were together for years. It was the one thing I could count on. Every night I’d snuggle up to it, listening to its silent sounds as I fell asleep, knowing that it would be the first thing I would wake up to. It’d wake me up every morning. It was something I could count on. I cared for it, and I just know it cared about me too. It was love in the purest form.
My alarm clock stopped working.
You don’t understand! I’ve had the same one since I was seven years old. We’ve been through everything together, it travelled across continents with me. Sure it had started showing signs of old age; first the little light stopped working, and then the batteries needed changing every month. But it didn’t matter. Nothing could have replaced it. The relationship between a girl and her clock is complicated. Not once since we’d been together was I ever late for anything. And now, it’s been eight days and haven’t gotten up on time once.
I tried using my phone’s alarm app. It’s too much work, the thing expects me to solve math problems to disable it. Math so early in the morning?! We end up in screaming matches before sunrise. Sometimes I think I’d rather be slapped in the face than have to deal with math in the AM.
Sure I could just get a replacement clock. But it’s such a big commitment. If my old alarm clock was a person, he would be in high school by now. So I did what every good computer nerd does: research. Here are 10 of my favorites.
The Finger Dance Alarm Clock
It’s dance dance revolution for your fingers! You dance with your fingers until the music stops. In theory, this looks like so much fun. But I really don’t think my hand-eye co-ordination is going to be at optimum levels for this so early in the morning. Not that my hand-eye co-ordination ever is at an optimum level.
The Money Shredding Alarm Clock
This is only a concept alarm clock. And thank goodness for that. It sheds your money every time you oversleep. Effectiveness: 100%. I don’t think I’d be able to sleep knowing that if I don’t hear the alarm it would just shred my hard earned cash. Too much pressure! Although, it would make such a great Christmas present for some people…
The Defusable Alarm Clock
The kit comes with everything you need to build a scary looking clock. How many of you wanted to be a bomb diffuser when you grew up? Yeah, me neither. But I have new neighbors that don’t understand the concept of personal space, and this might be just the thing to get rid of them. Plus it ticks. What if someone were to, oh I don’t know, leave it on someone else’s door step? Mwhaha *rubs hands together super villain style*
The Smash Alarm Clock
My name is Miss Four Eyes and I like smashing things. See, I grew up in a house that discouraged smashing of things. I never got to hit/bang/plonk [insert more comic action words here] anything. Ever. I once broke a pencil intentionally. I felt terrible! This is a guilt-free smashable clock right here. You smash the top to shut it off. Have you ever punched something first thing in the morning? I imagine it would feel good. Really, really good.
Coffee Time Alarm Clock
After hours of searching I found the PERFECT one. Coffee. In bed. That’s the dream isn’t it? I can’t carry an entire conversation without some morning coffee first. This is finally a reason to get out of bed!
It’s a concept clock. Grrr.
The Nerd Alarm Clocks
The Shock Clock
This is the SingNShock. You will get nightmare about this. It will haunt you in your sleep.
It plays music as loud as you can possibly handle. So what? Everything does that now. Even your toaster plays music. Try turning this alarm off, I dare you. The off button is triggered with an electric shock.
You: (sleepily reach for the snooze button)
You: (too sleepy to realize what’s going on. Try again.)
Your dog: (cocks head to the side) What is wrong with you?
You: (last try)
It: ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!
This one is really for those hardcore sleepers and shock enthusiasts.
The Water Spray Alarm Clock
I always wondered why they hadn’t invented one of those clocks that slap you in the face if you oversleep. That would be very effective. This one launches a water attack on you. It’s like waking up and already having had a shower. Two birds, one stone?
I don’t know, I think it sounds like fun! Of course, I’m only saying that until I really get one. I think I might end up launching a water attack on it. I’d stay up all night just plotting a master plan, an attack strategy. For an inanimate object no less.
The Stripper Alarm clock.
All I’m going to say is that despite everything about this thing, I want one.
The Bacon Alarm Clock
Meet Wake’n Bacon, alarm clock perfection. You put a piece of frozen bacon in at night, wake up to bacon. Is there really much more to say? Breakfast is the single most effective motivation I need to get out of bed. I NEED this. If this little guy could make eggs and toast, I may end up marrying it.