Valentine’s day is less than a week away and my friends have been offering to set me up with their cousins (read: people that could be serial killers, but they wouldn’t know since they aren’t that close). You know it’s time to get out there when people use the words ‘blind date’ and ‘my cousin’ in the same sentence. For various reasons–personal safety from questionable relatives being one of many–I’ve decided to put myself out there. I’m going to date the first bearded man I see. Why? Because:
- Beards are awesome.
- They’re easy to spot.
- It makes you look like a badass. Like “I am taking a stand against shaving, I don’t care what the world thinks!”
- It looks scary in the dark, so I never have to worry about getting mugged. You’ll be able to scare them off with a twitch of your eyebrow.
- Little crumbs get stuck in the beard when you’re eating. It’s like a fun little after snack.
- When you’re at the movies, you can hide chocolate covered raisins and M&M’s in a beard.
- Stroking it while gazing out into space makes you look so much smarter, even if you’re just thinking about the different ways you can eat a hotdog.
- Your opinions are more valued.
- It is perfect to cuddle up to. It’s like a teddy bear on your face.
- Gandalf was sexy, and you know it.
As for the serial killer part, I think I’ll take my chances for a sexy beard.
How do you feel about beards? Did you think Gandalf was sexy?