Getting new neighbors is so much fun…
Said nobody ever.
Except me, of course. I’m the idiot that didn’t mind new neighbors. “They can’t be worse than the butt crack flasher.” I said. I was wrong. The butt crack flasher and the naked blog goddess were a match made in heaven. We got along so well. I miss her.
The truth is, I’ve never had neighbors from hell. I’d hear people talk about theirs with such passionate hatred, but I never understood. Oh man, do I get it now.
Things I wish I could say to my neighbors:
- You are a bad singer. Like, really bad. I thought that there couldn’t be a worse singer than me, but wow. It sounds like what you would get if you crossed a cat with a donkey in a lot of pain and that noise when you scratch your nails across a chalkboard. The first night, I really thought there was something dying in there. I think you’ve inspired me to sing in the shower again. I didn’t used to because I thought it would bother the neighbors. But it’s all good right?
- Your sex noises sound extremely boring. There are the kinds of neighbors that make you uncomfortable, then there are the ones that get you roaring to go. And then there’s the boring ones that make you consider celibacy.
- Your fights are exceedingly unentertaining. When you fight at the top of your lungs in the middle of the night, all I ask is that the topic of discussion be fight worthy. Are you really going to fight about rice, RICE, at 3 AM in the morning?! [It was uncooked! YOU were the one cooking! YOU were supposed to check on it! YOU are impossible! The rice is impossible to eat! YOU should have known before trying to eat it!] Come on! Surely, there are better things? What about the time she left your princess, the cat, out for the whole night? Or that time his mother called you that thing I can’t write about on my blog? But rice, really? For shame, neighbors, for shame. When I wake up to a fight at 3 am in the morning, I expect it to be more entertaining.
- Terrible doesn’t even begin to describe your taste in music. I don’t understand the fascination with super loud music, but maybe I’m just getting old. When I heard about new tenants coming in, I knew it wouldn’t be as quiet anymore. If you absolutely need to blast the music, does it have to be Justin Bieber every time? Do you really want everyone to know that you not only acknowledge the boy (girl?) as a singer, but own one of his albums? Bieber is one of those things you keep a secret.
- Please stop being so stupid. I appreciate your passive aggressive notes, I really do. They just make my day. But for the last time, it’s ‘there’, ‘their’, and ‘they’re’. Please get them straight. I can’t take you seriously when you ask me to put my potted plant all the way over ‘they’re’.
- Straighten your car. If you were trying to block the road with your car, you’re doing it wrong. There are three types of parkers:
The good citizen keeps the road free and lets other people park. The road blocking ass knows what he’s doing, he’s blocking the road and doing a good job at that. The key is to park it in the middle of the road, that way nobody can get through. But look at his beautiful parallel lines, that’s fine work right there. What you do is just sloppy. It’s halfway between the first two types of parkers, like you weren’t sure if you wanted to park well or be an ass. It’s just wrong.
- What’s with your garden gnomes? I love garden gnomes. What’s not to like? They’re creepy little old guys hanging around your plants. They entertain my dog, and they keep that evil stray cat away. What I need to know is why every single one of your gnomes has a little mark on his crotch. What happened?! I can’t sleep at night thinking about this!
- Your smile is just plain creepy. I actually debate in my head whether or not I should smile when we pass each other every morning. Your smile just freaks me out. It feels like a cross between “I’m going to kill you in your sleep” and “I’ll bury you in my backyard”. If you do kill me, don’t bury me with the crotch-stain gnomes, okay?
Got neighbors from hell? Tell me about them. What is the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen them do?