Life and Other Funny Things

Things I Wish I Could Say to My New Neighbors

Getting new neighbors is so much fun…

Said nobody ever.

Except me, of course. I’m the idiot that didn’t mind new neighbors. “They can’t be worse than the butt crack flasher.” I said. I was wrong. The butt crack flasher and the naked blog goddess were a match made in heaven. We got along so well. I miss her.

The truth is, I’ve never had neighbors from hell. I’d hear people talk about theirs with such passionate hatred, but I never understood. Oh man, do I get it now.

Things I wish I could say to my neighbors:

  1. You are a bad singer. Like, really bad. I thought that there couldn’t be a worse singer than me, but wow. It sounds like what you would get if you crossed a cat with a donkey in a lot of pain and that noise when you scratch your nails across a chalkboard. The first night, I really thought there was something dying in there. I think you’ve inspired me to sing in the shower again. I didn’t used to because I thought it would bother the neighbors. But it’s all good right?
    Bad singer
  2. Your sex noises sound extremely boring. There are the kinds of neighbors that make you uncomfortable, then there are the ones that get you roaring to go. And then there’s the boring ones that make you consider celibacy.
  3. Your fights are exceedingly unentertaining. When you fight at the top of your lungs in the middle of the night, all I ask is that the topic of discussion be fight worthy. Are you really going to fight about rice, RICE, at 3 AM in the morning?! [It was uncooked! YOU were the one cooking! YOU were supposed to check on it! YOU are impossible! The rice is impossible to eat! YOU should have known before trying to eat it!] Come on! Surely, there are better things? What about the time she left your princess, the cat, out for the whole night? Or that time his mother called you that thing I can’t write about on my blog?  But rice, really? For shame, neighbors, for shame. When I wake up to a fight at 3 am in the morning, I expect it to be more entertaining.
  4. Terrible doesn’t even begin to describe your taste in music. I don’t understand the fascination with super loud music, but maybe I’m just getting old. When I heard about new tenants coming in, I knew it wouldn’t be as quiet anymore. If you absolutely need to blast the music, does it have to be Justin Bieber every time? Do you really want everyone to know that you not only acknowledge the boy (girl?) as a singer, but own one of his albums? Bieber is one of those things you keep a secret.
  5. Please stop being so stupid. I appreciate your passive aggressive notes, I really do. They just make my day. But for the last time, it’s ‘there’, ‘their’, and ‘they’re’. Please get them straight. I can’t take you seriously when you ask me to put my potted plant all the way over ‘they’re’.
  6. Straighten your car. If you were trying to block the road with your car, you’re doing it wrong. There are three types of parkers:
    Bad Parking JobsThe good citizen keeps the road free and lets other people park. The road blocking ass knows what he’s doing, he’s blocking the road and doing a good job at that. The key is to park it in the middle of the road, that way nobody can get through. But look at his beautiful parallel lines, that’s fine work right there. What you do is just sloppy. It’s halfway between the first two types of parkers, like you weren’t sure if you wanted to park well or be an ass. It’s just wrong.
  7. What’s with your garden gnomes? I love garden gnomes. What’s not to like? They’re creepy little old guys hanging around your plants. They entertain my dog, and they keep that evil stray cat away. What I need to know is why every single one of your gnomes has a little mark on his crotch. What happened?! I can’t sleep at night thinking about this!
  8. Your smile is just plain creepy. I actually debate in my head whether or not I should smile when we pass each other every morning. Your smile just freaks me out. It feels like a cross between “I’m going to kill you in your sleep” and “I’ll bury you in my backyard”. If you do kill me, don’t bury me with the crotch-stain gnomes, okay?

Got neighbors from hell? Tell me about them. What is the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen them do?

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110 thoughts on “Things I Wish I Could Say to My New Neighbors

  1. I’ve never really had awful neighbours. I live in a building full of students and now that I’ve got them all trained to stop stealing my newspapers everybody gets along. The people above, below, and directly beside me all have parties on a pretty regular basis, but they generally quiet down by midnight and have them on Firday and Saturdays when everyone is up later anyway.

    I had terrible room mates for the last two years of university. First set was horribly messy and rarely ever did the dishes after cooking, bought more food than she could eat and left it to grow in the fridge. Flipped out at me one time because I sliced my finger open really bad in the kitchen and was unable to stop dripping blood on the floor before I went to go get stitches, She got home before I did and was horrified by the spots – and I mean fair enough, it was gross, but I needed to get stitches! I think that balances out the lack of a timely clean-up.

    The other really bad one I had was just passive aggressive stuff. And a lot of rules I wasn’t aware of when I moved in and couldn’t abide by. Ie: no overnight guests, no parties, clear out of the apartment whenever she wanted people over, don’t shower at 4am even though I was starting work at 5am at the time, don’t listen to music even in my room with the door closed because she can still hear it, don’t turn the heat up higher than 10C because it’s too expensive.*

    *It should be noted that I was paying my half of the power bill on time each month and on more than one occasion my half ended up including half of her half from the previous month because she didn’t pay it and I didn’t read the bill very closely until my half started being obscene.

    All the best with your new neighbour situation. If they’re renting, there’s a good chance they’ll move when the lease is up. Good luck!

    • Yikes! Those people sound terrible. Good thing your current neighbors are better.
      The blood thing is just silly. What did expect you to say? “Oh I’m sorry my blood was everywhere. I just dripped it around for fun. Not like I was in pain or anything.”

      Mine are renting, so it’s looking pretty good. Now to only get them out faster….

  2. You are hysterical 😆 YES I have the neighbours from hell. Ma-ri-a said with the accent if you don’t hardly mind and Frank…don’t get me started how they treated their 17 year old labrador, how they didn’t walk him for 12 years I’ve been here, making him live on concrete through all the seasons and didn’t pat or show him affection in any of that time… don’t get me started how they fight over the most ridiculous things at any hour of the day or night… don’t get me started on how their son, did a gesture with his hand through the car window at my daughter and her B/F because he doesn’t like them…don’t get me started on how all I hear is FFS Maria, get over it Maria ..coming from Frank’s mouth… crap I got started, I shall exit through the back door.

    • Ha, you crack my up Mumsy 😀
      What are neighbors for if not to get started on them? That’s why they invented houses next to other houses. So that we could talk about the things they do. Yeah, this is why they invented the concept of neighbors 😉

  3. My comment will not be related to this post.
    I was gonna comment about the post but then something blue caught my eye, some blue that says Freshly Pressed.
    Then I went fishing, because I’ve been almost dead, but I’m back.
    First of all, that was a really nice post, I really like it. I decided to comment here because there are over 2 millions comments on that post and this would get lost.
    Second, congrats, you deserve it.
    Third, I’m glad I met you before you became a huge star, not that you weren’t, you were just working undercover.
    Fourth, How dare you abandoning the club of the non-FP???!!!!!! It was such an exclusive club.
    Fifth, How dare you???!!!!!!!
    Sixth, Seriously, I’m happy for you, but how dare you??!!!

    • Hey, Leo! The second I read the email saying that I got freshly pressed I went “Yay!…..but what about Leo’s badge?!” They never told me the exact date, so checked and checked, and the day I forgot to check, there it was. I didn’t realize until a whole day later. Just like the badge, I was pressed and I didn’t even know it.

  4. Maybe their garden gnomes are garden eunuchs?

    Where we used to live we had a great time with the potential drug dealing mom who thought she was the same age as her kids (16). First time in almost 20 years of apartment living I had to call the cops because of her and her 2 AM fights with her kids, throwing things against the walls. One woke the kid up…and he has a hearing problem.

  5. I really LOVE reading your blogs..they are funny as hell…LOL!
    The only thing my neighbors do on occasion is blast their
    rap music, and sometimes at very odd hours, but other
    than that, not many issues…well, there is the one with
    a lot of dogs whom use to chase my car all the time
    when I left or came back, BUT the owner of their
    rented house complained, and a sneaky suspicion
    that other neighbors complained and now they tie
    their dogs up or keep them inside, of course, I
    couldn’t imagine what their house smells like…..LOL!

  6. Miss iiii,
    I think you should print out this list and tack it to their door and sign it as another neighbor, if you have more. Also, in big letters say “THEY’RE IS MORE WHERE THIS CAME FROM” I can’t guarantee it’ll help, but it’d be funny. 🙂

  7. I had neighbors above me once who were, I assume, in college. They made noise all night long, but it sounded like they were always moving furniture. I have no idea what they were actually doing because I seriously doubt they were rearranging the apartment every night.

  8. When I lived in UAE, I had such lovely neighbors. I never really thought that neighbors from hell even existed, until I came here.
    I do have a neighbor who loves Justin Bieber, but thankfully he recently shifted. I do have another neighbor though who plays these crappy item number type songs out loud. As I’m typing this, he just opened his main door and a song is playing right now.
    I also have this family who fight like crazy. They don’t fight about rice, but the mother is always screaming at her two fully grown sons about various things every time. And obviously the main door is open.
    And then I have a few neighbors who are overly attached to daily soap operas. The volume is always on blast and the main door is always open. If you make the mistake of talking to them then they only talk about what happened in the latest episode!

    • Ha! I have Soap Opera neighbors. Both kinds. The kind that’s addicted to them, they only ever talk about the shows. And the kind that think they’re IN a soap. Their fights are so dramatic!

      • Oh yes. I know a family like that. I feel like I’ve walked into a very badly scripted soap whenever I visit them. And their neighbors also think the same. I pity their neighbors as they have to see their ‘performances’ everyday because their main door is always open.
        Why do people always keep their main doors open?

  9. My neighbor does this voodoo thing where she pokes a black doll and throws it in the middle of the street. Yes. The lame thing is I have kicked the doll and nothing bad happened. Actually everything is turning out to be awesome. So I kick the voodoo doll every time she throws it out.
    She is really bad with her magic. Or she doesn’t know the difference between black and white colors and ends up doing white magic all the time.
    That reminds me I should ask her the difference between the colors before kicking that doll. Dunno when she actually comes to know that she was botching up the whole evil eye thing.

  10. Sometimes I think I’m a boring neighbor. When I’m over at my boyfriend’s, I can often hear the neighbors yelling, but I can never hear what they’re saying, so I wish they’d enunciate a little better during their arguments.

    At my mom’s house, I think the neighbors are still surprised I’ve actually grown up, and that’s why they don’t see me riding my bike around anymore.

    • Have you ever taken a glass to the wall in attempt to try to hear them? I did that to one of my neighbors once. It was like a soap opera in there! I nearly pulled up a chair and made popcorn.

  11. I’ve never actually had bad neighbors… except in my college dorm of course. I lived on the same floor as most of our hockey team… I don’t recommend that. Except for this one exception: The canadian players really were polite and respectful. It was kind of amazing actually.

      • I once couldn’t sleep because the music was too loud on both sides of me (hockey players in both rooms). I went to the first door to ask them to turn it down a bit and the Hockey player swore at me and told me to go do something (I will let you imagine what). He was American. Then I went to the room on the other side and asked the same thing. The guy apologized, asked someone else in the room to turn the music down, offered me a drink, and invited me in. He was Canadian. True story.

  12. My neighbor breeds long haired Chihuahuas, but she “falls in love” with them and can’t bear to sell them. The current count is 11. Since she’s not allowed to have so many dogs, she keeps them inside all the time, where they bark at every wind-blown leaf going by. Yes, that’s right – she NEVER takes them outside, even to potty. Yeah. She also has three cats living up in there (a single-wide trailer that’s falling apart.) A couple of months ago her front door blew open when she wasn’t there (did I say the trailer is falling apart?) and there were yappy little beasties all over the place, just begging to be run over by the other crappy neighbors who think we live at the Indy 500 track. When a dog escapes its unholy prison she stands on her porch and screams for it to come back at a volume that SHOULD cause sterility in small mammals, but, alas, does not.

  13. Haven’t ever had bad neighbors. Though, I’m sure that’s just because I’m usually the bad neighbor… Well, not anymore, but back in college… I think we through a pool party every night for a week straight before we finally had one of the neighbors complain… At a different place one of the neighbors came in and tried to turn the music off and tell everyone to leave… It was halloween, we were having a decent enough time. 😛

  14. Oh you poor thing — overhearing arguments about rice and lame sex! If I have to hear you screwing, make it hot! You remind me of when I heard my neighbor having sex — the first thought that came to mind was “can’t you think of anything else to say?”

    One of my neighbors smokes so much that it comes through the wall — and these are thick walls. Sadly they have a toddler. “Sadly” for two reasons. Weird — they let the little thing run around on wood floors in hard shoes, so I hear, ‘clop clop clop clop clop’, back and forth, back and forth — and because of the smoking, I imagine the little thing running through clouds of smoke. Also, sad for the baby is that they argue — in the last one they guy yells, “Where’s that Louis Vuitton bag I bought you?!” Hahahaha!

    At least your creepy neighbor smiles at you — the woman of this couple apparently doesn’t want anyone in their business — she looks down at her phone all the time.

    Eh, my next move is to the woods!

    • “Where’s that Louis Vuitton bag I bought you?!” bahahaa! Can’t imagine what that fight was about.

      The woods sound nice. Best part is if there are any sex sounds from animals or otherwise, you know it’ll be hot

  15. I had a neighbor once who was shall we say, was on the umm big side?? He loved to come and collect his paper in the nude, just when I was on my way out every morning. It’s like he watched and waited and when I opened my door there he was! Ugh, not a way to start your day.

  16. Hilarious. I think I’m more likely to be that neighbour. Although… Once a neighbour insisted on singing karaoke to ‘Ruby, Ruby, Ruby’ at 3am. And a totally different neighbour in a maisonette, banged on our floor, from her ceiling at 9.30pm telling us to be quiet.
    I’d like to live in the middle of a VERY big field.
    And congrats on Freshly Pressed, again!

  17. Definitely worth the read; love yer blog, humor, art, and insight!

    The worst? She was a hot blonde who lived upstairs, very friendly and outgoing, but a real slob with a roach infestation from hell! You know her crib must’ve been bad when you see several a day. And, yes, it was her, cuz when she finally moved out, all her little Kafka-esque buddies left with her (remember “Joe’s Apartment” on MTV?)

  18. Okay, now I really MUST know why the gnomes have crotch stains. This is disturbing and inspiring my curiosity, and it will plague me, in the same way it plagues me when I forget the name of the song or the name of that film that that actor, whose name I have forgotten, was in last year.

    • Me too! What’s with them?! Did my neighbors do something? Was it too much erm…rubbing in the box during the move? Do they secretly come to life at night?!
      WHAT is it?!

  19. Hilarious read! For now, I am lucky to not have any horrific neighbors. We’ve all got a bit of space between us.

  20. Are you suggesting that your neighbors are boringly doing the nasty with their gnomes? Could these trysts be an act of adulterous revenge after an particularly nasty-rice related argument?

    Clearly it is time to move.

  21. I spent the first 18 years of my life in an apartment with paper-thin walls and life in the building was, say, colorful…

    There was the creepy nosy neighbor (and her endlessly yapping poodle) who poked her head out each and every time she heard the slightest sign of life beyond her door.
    There was the portuguese family downstairs who systematically cooked stinky grilled sardines on the balcony every weekend at lunchtime.
    There was the family right above us who let their kid stomp across the apartment at will. Truth be told, he was an only child but sounded more like a herd of charging elephants.
    There was the mandatory DIY-er who just HAD to fiddle with his hammers and electric drills on Sundays at 8 AM. I suspect he was doing this on purpose: he always stopped for lunch but never resumed his noises during the afternoon.
    There was the kid somewhere in the building who was learning to play violin. Suffice it to say he/she badly needed lessons. Only elsewhere.
    There was the 15yo wannabe small-time thug who cracked open our private cellar’s door in the basement to fix his stolen mopeds.
    And last but not least, there was the pedophile who tried to make a move on me. I bravely stood up to him but the disturbing thing was that he somewhat looked like a younger version of my then-recently deceased father. Anyway, I didn’t tell anyone but he must have tried with others because he vanished from the building after a while.

    Yeah, fun stuff!

  22. MFE, There’s just too many thoughts on your previous post. Now your “Might have been FP” is now replaced by the real thing. Congrats, hope this cured you for good. Happy for you. Maybe I’ll take up anxiety, then I’ll get to earn the blue badge or blog naked. Cheers.

    • Hehe, yeah, I was kind of sad to let that badge go. Incidentally, the day I actually got FP’d I didn’t even realize it. Just like the old badge, I was freshly pressed but I didn’t know it. *facepalm*
      Definitely blog naked, just because 😀

  23. Yikes, and I thought I had problems with my neighbors! I love the car diagram. The one pet peeve for me is the ongoing conversation in the hallway of our apartment complex. These are not dorm rooms! There is no great party out in the hallway!

  24. I have been blessed with great neighbors, but my daughter has not been so lucky. She lived in a ghetto (in my opinion) with drug addicts and crazy psychos next door until we moved her clear to the other end of the state last week! LOL! It HAS to get better, right???

    • I really hope it does! What if this time she has really uptight snooty neighbors instead?! Ask her to blog about them! Nothing like neighbors for some good blog fodder 😉

  25. I didn’t used to know any of my neighbors, and the language barrier tends to be a problem for interaction. That all changed recently, however, when a couple moved in next door. An American girl living with her German boyfriend.

    I actually forgot what it’s like to have neighbors you actually speak to until now.

  26. I am blessed with good neighbors(with good pets too) who are residing permanently on one side. But unfortunately another group, whom they may be good to their neighbors comes far from their home, in the name of God and spirituality meets occasionally in their worship centre by making such a loud noise they can; forgetting themselves and others. Horrible.

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