Hi everyone! I’ve been away for a while. What happened? The internet and I have been having some issues. We broke up for a while, then got together and broke up again over and over. But don’t you worry, we’ve sorted it out now. I’ll tell you this though, being in a relationship with the internet is hard!
Stages of a Dysfunctional Relationship with the Internet:
Stage 1: The Honeymoon Phase
You’re in love. You feel a little high every time you look at your favorite browser, it’s almost like being on drugs. It feels incredible, and you never ever want to stop feeling like that. You make sure that you check in on the Internet every morning and every night before you go to bed, and even a whole bunch of times during the day. You lose track of the hours you spend alone with it. Every moment is special. Nobody has ever taken care of you like the Internet. It becomes your whole life, you want to hold it tight and never let go.
Stage 2: The Rut
For some reason you’re just not feeling it anymore. The unending pings that you used to love are getting annoying. You start picking little faults in each other. The Internet can sense your frustration with it, and it starts pulling away from you. Web pages take longer to load. Your favorite songs that once would be downloaded in seconds begin to take minutes‒sometimes even *gasp* hours‒to download. You’re getting irritable and the name calling begins, leading to:
Stage 3: The Breakup
The Internet is gone, and you can’t do anything about it. No matter how many times you refresh the page, it just isn’t coming back. Your world is a little darker, you feel detached to everything.
Stage 4: The Mourning Period
You waited for 24 hours, it was the hardest day of your life. You desperately hoped that the Internet would come back to you. You left it messages promising to change, that things would be different. You cried your eyes out not knowing what to do with all the free time you’ve got now. You know you have to move on, but you’re not sure how. Usually, you’d Google it, but that isn’t an option anymore.
Stage 5: The Rebound
In an attempt to move on, you threaten to cheat with the neighbor’s high-speed service. But your Internet isn’t having it, it just won’t come back. You almost shake as you enter the password to change the network connection. You NEED to feel that rush of excitement as you type into Google’s search bar, but you cry the whole time instead, and you feel a little dirty after you’re done.
Stage 6: Getting Back Together
After a lot of introspection and some rewiring of the internet cables, you’re back together. You promise to never let each other go, you never want to be apart again. It’s a happily ever after, just like a fairytale in the Internet-age.
…and you’re right back at Stage 1.