Ever since I was a little kid I wanted superpowers. I wanted to fly, disappear, and lift objects with just my mind. I even asked Santa for superpowers one year. All I got was a pair of glasses. Blurry vision is not a superpower, Santa!
Years later and I still really want superpowers. Only this time, I want to be a supervillain! Sure superheroes are great and everything, but it’s just not for me. I want to be a bad guy, the baddest of them all! Bad guys are rich, ambitious, dangerous, and a whole lot of badass.
Reasons being a supervillain would rock:
- You get to do the evil laugh whenever you want. Foiled a superhero’s plans? Mwahaha! Sabotaged the neighbor’s morning by taking their newspaper? Mwahahaha! 15% off toilet paper at the supermarket that nobody but you knows about? Mwhahahahaaa!
- You get to scheme evil plans. You can make it rain mouthwash and convert all the internet connections in the world to dial-up! Or worse still, you could get Justin Bieber to collaborate with One Direction and sing all night long! Mwhahaa!
- Minions! You get awesome little dudes to help you do evil things. They’ll wait on you hand and foot and they’ll love you like you’re a god. They’re cute and evil all at the same time, the deadliest combination. What more do you need?
- You’ll have an excuse to wear loud, ridiculous costumes. Also, your costume won’t involve wearing your underwear on the outside.You can wear whatever you want, whenever you want! Never again do you have to go to work in a stuffy suit and tie. You can wear the most crazy, outrageous things‒or even nothing at all‒while the rest of the world just has to deal with it! One snide comment and you’ll blast them with your ray gun.
- You get better theme music. Think Darth Vader.
- You’d be the most famous person in the universe. Since masked vigilantes like their privacy, in a world with superheroes and villains, you’d be instagramed more than a sunset.
- You get your own planet. Like seriously, every supervillain is entitled to one. Look up the Supervillain Property Ownership Rights of 1989 and Supervillain Civil Rights Act of 1970.
- You get to speak in monologues. And the whole world just seems to pause for a moment while you finish.
- Death rays. Need I say more?
- You get to hack into national broadcasts and say anything you want. It doesn’t even have to be important. It could just be “Poop on a popsicle!” or “I declare today as National Backed Up Toilet Day!”
- You never have to be stuck in traffic again. You know all those people honking in traffic jams like they’re going to make all the cars magically disappear with a series of annoying noises? Well, now you’ve got a more exciting way to make traffic magically disappear.
What do you guys think? Do you want to be a superhero or a supervillain?!
*My friend the Schizoid gave me the idea for this post and helped me get rid of some terrible writer’s block, he’s the best.