Anxiety and Other Awkwardness / Life and Other Funny Things

The One With No Title

A long time ago blogging was my life. My day started with sleepily reaching for my phone to check my notifcations and reply to those Eastern Time zoners who were still up. I’d spend the rest of the day fidling around with a new post, getting the words just right, and coming up with the right cartoon. Most nights, I’d fall asleep on my laptop with the worpress homepage still up on the screen.

Life wasn’t too great. And the only way I coped was by making every horrible thing sound like a big joke. It was my way of trying to convince myself that my life was hilariously fun.

At one point I even nearly had a relationship with a fellow blogger. Sure he was about 32 years older than me, but it didn’t matter. We understood each other. We had the same sense of humor. It was perfect.

The relationship didn’t last of course. Real life got in the way, and our emails and comments to each other became fewer and farther between. Must’ve been one of the simplest breakups of all time.

I got freshly pressed one day. For being batshit crazy of all things. I told the world things I wouldn’t even tell my best friends, and WordPress put it up on their homepage for the world to see. In all honesty, I felt a little naked, everyone could see parts of me I didn’t want to see myself. Within three days I got about 2000 followers.

And through all of that I realized that the reason I blogged was because I was lonely. The reason I had any mental health issues was because I was so lonely that if I screamed out in my room nobody would be there to listen. And I was so grateful that there were people out there who read my blog that actually wanted to listen. Every comment, every like, gave me a mini-high. It was a rush of excitement until I could reply back. My anxiety disorder became less and less severe, and I could finally function like a normal person. It didn’t matter that 90% of the people I knew I’d only met online, they were MY people, my friends.

And then, I met someone. A real person. Someone I could touch and feel. He said he loved me. And I wasn’t sure. He said I could take as long as I needed. So I did. He took me out into the real world, on top of mountains and under waterfalls; places I’d only be able to see on Google maps if it wasn’t for him. I loved every minute of it. It was the kind of high that getting a thousand follows in a day couldn’t top. My face nearly hurt from smiling after I spent a day with him.

That’s when blogging started becoming more and more difficult. I didn’t need to turn my problems into humor because I rarely had any. Life was good; I was happy. The real world was finally almost as good as my virtual reality. Every minute I spent online was a minute I could’ve spent in the real world doing real things. I was torn between all the online friends I held so close and the few people that I knew outside the internet. I wasn’t lonely anymore. The internet was my escape, and I didn’t need to escape anymore.

My blog posts became less and less frequent, until I nearly gave up. But I can’t you see, I can’t give up. I can’t let all of this go. Sure, the real world is pretty great, but I miss you. I’ll be having a conversation with someone about Star Wars and I’ll be wondering what Twindaddy is up to. Walking the streets of Sydney meant wondering if I might bump into Steph somewhere. Any mention of dark magic makes me think of Sandie. High fives, Amy, and short stories, David. I miss you, all of you. And you guys have clearly made a HUGE impact on my life. I can’t let this go.

I might not be here every single day. And I might not be able to come around as often as I did, but know that I’m here. If I’ve read your blog, you’re probably popping up in my mind while I sip my morning coffee, and I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for being here. Life wouldn’t be the same without you guys.


49 thoughts on “The One With No Title

  1. couldn’t agree more,,,,i went through the exact same kind of situation,,,but the only difference between you and me is that i completely gave up (i dont even remember the last time i blogged) and of course i didn’t had a relationship with someone who is 32 yrs older than me,,,lol,,,

  2. Aww… so very glad to see you on here! I HAVE missed you. I got a little thrill when I saw your post in my Inbox! ๐Ÿ˜€
    I totally get where you are coming from too. It is a great feeling when people read and comment. It means someone is taking just a little time out for you. It feels special and it can make the difference between a good morning and a sad one.
    I am the same way when it comes to blogging. When I am down and have too much time on my hands, I can sit and write for hours. But when I am busy, I am really good and I don’t take the time to write. Blogging is good for the soul and I wouldn’t take anything for the awesome people (like you) I have met through my blog!
    I’m so glad you have met someone! You sound happy and that is a good thing. I look forward to reading more about your adventures with your new beau and the waterfalls and mountains! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  3. And life wouldn’t be the same without you! I’m so glad you’re happy, fulfilled, and not lonely. We can easily go with infrequent blog posts while picturing you living life on a high!

  4. How dare you let real life get in the way of your blog. Ha HA! Everyone has their reasons for blogging and for going away from blogging and like you said I’ve met some pretty great friends on here that I would never have met if I didn’t start blogging.

    • Ben! I was just thinking about your blog the other day. So I’m at a water park and we’ve just had lunch and they’re dragging me off to be pushed off some kind of giant slide, while all I want is to lie on a tube and float around the lazy river. I mean the lazy river is like the best part right?!

  5. Are you making us jealous because there is life outside the box of a computer! Dang it, I am living a lie blogging. In all honesty , am happy and I can wait until you get married, had children and then some until your next post. Btw what is your name? Blessings, perpetua

  6. I would say that’s the best not-blogging excuse for sure…I am glad you checked in though and are doing well ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. I have the same problem with emblogginating as you do- the more my life picks up away from the keyboard, the harder it is to get back here to write posts. This is a good thing, though. It’s good to have things happening away from the computer, to get out into the world a bit.

    Everyone who loves to read your stuff is also happy for you when you have such a full life that you can’t write more stuff for us to read.

    I’m always happy to see your name in my feeds, no matter how infrequently that may be.

  8. So funny to read this because I’ve had a very similar past year. Not necessarily meeting someone new, but the not writing as much, but then missing it. And finding myself back here.

    Always enjoy your posts, was happy to read this!

  9. This is great. Now try using humor as a method to describe the happy moments.
    No one does that really, humor is too abused as an escape.

    Glad you are having fun, i am not unfollowing this just because you don’t get time to write

  10. Oh wow, that was an excellent story. I’ve missed you. I haven’t been around for about 2 years … because life got in the way and I was more interested in living with my family than on my blog. But recently life got very tough and I am back because I am lonely. And this post explained that exactly. But without judgment. ๐Ÿ™‚

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