(This one’s for you, Revis)
It’s happening you guys. It’s really really happening. I thought it’d never happen to me, I thought it was just myths from WebMD or something. It happens to other people, not me!
I’m constipated. Like really bad.
Now my roommate and I have been throwing some ideas around trying to think of what could’ve possibly caused it. Here are our top 4 guesses:
- It’s the new apartment.
We moved to this new place last month. The location is just perfect. The inside of the apartment, um, not so much. So we live with two other people in here, and there’s only one bathroom. ONE bathroom *que horror music*. By the time it’s my turn in there I just know the place has been violated by so many butt germs that I can even bring myself to consider going in there. I think my movements just aren’t feeling like they’re in a very safe environment to be able to move with comfort.
- It’s the job.
I mean it’s not the job, ‘cause I’m an intern and basically just run the coffee. It’s the aircon in there. It’s so freaking cold! It’s so cold there that people actually wear thick winter clothes inside. Oh, I should mention that I work in Singapore by the way, which is pretty much the hottest place on the planet. The seasons in this country range from hot, hotter, so-hot-you-could-make-fried-ice cream, and slightly less hot. I have no idea where you’d go to buy a sweater around here.
With the Arctic-simulating temperatures inside, my bowels have probably just frozen inside me for good. Hey! That would make an interesting movie. I can hear the trailer now “One girl, four eyes, frozen movements…dun…dun…duuunnn….”
- It’s the food.
Singaporean food is sooooooo good! Think of the best Chinese takeout you’ve ever had. Now multiply that by like a bazillion. That’s how good it is. And it’s super cheap. I don’t remember the last time I paid $4 for a meal in Sydney or California. Even the most normal every-day foods here are like little explosions of flavor in your mouth. Now why would my body want to release such amazing food out of my body?!
- It’s the impending apocalypse.
You know it’s coming. And so does my digestive system. It’s like when bears prepare for hibernation and eat everything and poop nothing, exactly like that. My body is in self-preservation mode for when the world is going to end. I’m going to be the last surviving human all thanks to my bowel unmovement. I’m going to create an army of penguins and rule the world! Mwhaha.
What do you guys think, what’s happening to me?! Will I rule the world? Is it a bad idea to create an army of penguins, would they just stand around looking cute and not ruling the world?