My last plan didn’t exactly work out so well. What was the plan you ask? It went a little like this:
Step 1: Forgo all notions of freedom, and sign up for a fancy graduate program that will send me into a Grand-Canon-sized amount of debt (aka the only kind of legal slavery still prevalent)
Step 2: Get fancy job. (Uncomfortably) Suit up and go to work for 16 hours every day. Forget what ‘social life’ means.
Step 3: Make mountains of money.
I finished Step 1. I am now a MBA fucking graduate in fucking supply chain. Whoop de doo. Step 2 is underway. Mostly, it’s Step 3 that’s being a little bitch.
So that’s why I need a new plan. Here are the options so far:
- Write a smut book like E.L. James’ Fifty Shades of Grey. Sure it would make me hate myself to the very core and people from all around the world would write scathing reviews of my books. But it’ll make a mountain of money in no time! And I could even write my own scathing review of my own book and simultaneously become a famous book critic.
- Become a high-profile abstract art thief. And by that I mean I’m going to steal the neighbor’s 5-year-old’s art homework and convince rich people to buy it for millions.
- Become a professional shoe breaker-inner. You know how wildly uncomfortable new shoes can be and you just wish that someone would just break them in for you? That’s where I come in! I break them in, and get paid buckets. Now I know what you’re thinking “But Four Eyes, what about your feet? Wouldn’t they hurt so bad that you’d rather kill yourself?!” But you know what? With the amount of debt I’ve racked up and my current rate of negative income, that is exactly how every single day feels. Breaking in bad shoes would feel like home.
- Become an artiste (that’s an artist with an extra ‘e’ for extraordinarily egghead-ish). Now this is going to be pretty amazing. What I’m going to do is set up a bedroom out in public, and people can come watch me do my fantastic impression of doing absolutely nothing. It’ll be an epic statement about human rights and egalitarian prophesies of man and how life is fleeting.
Anyway those are things I’m working on right now.
What do you guys think my next plan should be?
I’ve been considering #1 every since those books came out. Is there a class I can take to learn about the sex gadgets?
You know what? I think you can just make it up as you go. I’m pretty sure half the people out there writing the books don’t know what any of those sex gadgets do. I once found a book that used a regular kitchen utensil as a sex gadget. So I’m thinking I want to write a book that uses something really silly, like toilet paper rolls, as sex toys!
Those plans sound specifically familiar.
I always had a suspicion that you wanted to become a shoe breaker-inner. What do you say we make a whole business out of it?
That sounds good. Can you imagine you breaking in army boots and me heels? We could post videos to promo our business.
that would be so awesome!
Wait, what happened to the previous plan of winning 1 billion dollars Powerball jackpot?
I’ve been trying so hard for that! I’ve tried double, triple, and friple crossing my fingers! (Friple is when you fry your fingers for good luck, whilst crossing them) But no luck so far 😦
Fake death, ditch loans. Build treehouse & teach squirrels how to steal for you.
That is actually an excellent plan! Off to fake death now…
I’m still working on MY plans….been awhile. A looonnngggg while. Good luck! As long as you keep writing on here I’m happy. 😉
I feel like the longer I take to achieve my plans, my more material I have to blog about. So that’s always a win right? 🙂
Good stuff, and please keep us posted! Also you’ve just given me the phrase that aptly describes the painful scenarios I find myself in. “It’s like breaking in bad shoes” says it all.
Hehe, right? Right now that’s my whole life; breaking in bad shoes 24×7.
Successful smut book might be tough, probably a crowded field.
Hmm, you’re right. Maybe I could write a mini-smut book. You know, for people on the go?
What are you talking about? We’re going to be famous once we take our movements global!
we sure are Revis! The movement movement is going to spread like a glorious poopy virus
Oh my God, #1 and #2 have always been on my top 10 things I could do to make tons of money! 😂 Let’s get started on #1 though, shall we? We could read all the clichéd chicklits and loads of Mills & Boons’s books and make a best seller out of it.
Also, I get a feeling that #3 would work pretty well too as I just bought a new pair of shoes and I would love it if someone could just ‘break in’ for me & make it more comfortable 😀
Looks like this is going to be a wonderful partnership! We could have one of those all-purpose businesses where we pump out books, break in pumps, and sell weird art!
Yesss let’s do it!! Selling weird art is where all the money is these days 😁
Best laid plans…. well you know! I pray it all works out for you hon! 🙂
Thanks Courtney! 🙂
You should totally rent out a space in an art gallery and do #4 for a week or so!
Just don’t stop blogging. Where else would I get to read things like these.