Life and Other Funny Things

I have a plan!

My last plan didn’t exactly work out so well. What was the plan you ask? It went a little like this:

Step 1: Forgo all notions of freedom, and sign up for a fancy graduate program that will send me into a Grand-Canon-sized amount of debt (aka the only kind of legal slavery still prevalent)

Step 2: Get fancy job. (Uncomfortably) Suit up and go to work for 16 hours every day. Forget what ‘social life’ means.

Step 3: Make mountains of money.

I finished Step 1. I am now a MBA fucking graduate in fucking supply chain. Whoop de doo. Step 2 is underway. Mostly, it’s Step 3 that’s being a little bitch.

So that’s why I need a new plan. Here are the options so far:

  1. Write a smut book like E.L. James’ Fifty Shades of Grey. Sure it would make me hate myself to the very core and people from all around the world would write scathing reviews of my books. But it’ll make a mountain of money in no time! And I could even write my own scathing review of my own book and simultaneously become a famous book critic.
  2. Become a high-profile abstract art thief. And by that I mean I’m going to steal the neighbor’s 5-year-old’s art homework and convince rich people to buy it for millions.
  3. Become a professional shoe breaker-inner. You know how wildly uncomfortable new shoes can be and you just wish that someone would just break them in for you? That’s where I come in! I break them in, and get paid buckets. Now I know what you’re thinking “But Four Eyes, what about your feet? Wouldn’t they hurt so bad that you’d rather kill yourself?!” But you know what? With the amount of debt I’ve racked up and my current rate of negative income, that is exactly how every single day feels. Breaking in bad shoes would feel like home.
  4. Become an artiste (that’s an artist with an extra ‘e’ for extraordinarily egghead-ish). Now this is going to be pretty amazing. What I’m going to do is set up a bedroom out in public, and people can come watch me do my fantastic impression of doing absolutely nothing. It’ll be an epic statement about human rights and egalitarian prophesies of man and how life is fleeting.

Anyway those are things I’m working on right now.

What do you guys think my next plan should be?

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26 thoughts on “I have a plan!

    • You know what? I think you can just make it up as you go. I’m pretty sure half the people out there writing the books don’t know what any of those sex gadgets do. I once found a book that used a regular kitchen utensil as a sex gadget. So I’m thinking I want to write a book that uses something really silly, like toilet paper rolls, as sex toys!

    • I’ve been trying so hard for that! I’ve tried double, triple, and friple crossing my fingers! (Friple is when you fry your fingers for good luck, whilst crossing them) But no luck so far 😦

  1. Good stuff, and please keep us posted! Also you’ve just given me the phrase that aptly describes the painful scenarios I find myself in. “It’s like breaking in bad shoes” says it all.

  2. Oh my God, #1 and #2 have always been on my top 10 things I could do to make tons of money! 😂 Let’s get started on #1 though, shall we? We could read all the clichéd chicklits and loads of Mills & Boons’s books and make a best seller out of it.
    Also, I get a feeling that #3 would work pretty well too as I just bought a new pair of shoes and I would love it if someone could just ‘break in’ for me & make it more comfortable 😀

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