Meet my newest guest blogger Vrbridge from Habits of Thinking! Vrbridge is an excellent writer and an avid runner. Enjoy her post, and be sure to visit her blog!
The people you meet in coffee shops:
As a former employee of a coffee establishment, I have seen a variety of people come and go. What I will address today are the top ten people that EVERY coffee shop will have entering their establishment. They are quirky, and even if it’s not right away, employees will embrace their eccentricities with a smile.
- The “regular”– This person comes in every day, rain or shine, at the same time of day and asks for the same drink. They get excited when the barista has their drink already ready for them, and they usually stand at the bar and talk with the barista. This person is usually low maintenance.
- The guy who refuses to use the coffee “lingo”-This person finds enjoyment out of refusing to conform. They will make up words just so they don’t use the “cutsie” names for the drinks that the coffee shop uses.
- The impatient guy-This person will be upset if they wait for their drink. This person is usually a “regular” at another shop, and will expect ESP to occur from one store to another so we know their drink order. They usually tap a limb in frustration that it took the barista 30 seconds to make their drink. If there is a long line, it is a guarantee they will be upset.
- The free stuff guy– Unfortunately there is always the person that doesn’t want to pay for much, and will continually try take advantage of the “it’s on us” policy.
- The “health” nut-This person will order a “healthy” drink, but then put whipped cream on it. Unfortunately, this cancels out anything healthy about the original drink
- The ACTUAL health nut-This person genuinely wants to have the healthiest drink possible, and will go as far as watching the barista make the drink to ensure nothing “unnecessary” or “fattening” goes in to the drink. The person will require to see any food labels of any baked goods.
- The cool guy– This person wants to impress everyone with their “fonzie-like” exterior. He wants everyone to think that they are the person who knows everything about the coffee served at the establishment. They will order a pretentiously “cool” drink, and will sit in the café for hours on end having conversations with customers about how much they think they know about coffee. Afterward, they will leave their trash on the table because they assume the establishment will bus their table, despite the abnormally large sign stating that they don’t.
- The student-This type of person falls under two categories: college and grade school. The college student always looks frazzled. Typically, they’ve stated up way too late doing some “studying” (yeah, ok), and desperately need some caffeine to stay awake to actually study for a test or finish a paper that’s due in a few hours. The grade school student is someone from the nearby school who is using their lunch money to get a sugary drink so they can look cool in front of their peers.
- The old employee-This person used to work for a coffee shop. They order their drink and silently judge how long it takes to get the drink (because they used to do it SO much faster) and again, silently judge how the coffee tastes differently than how they used to make it. I’m not proud of this, but I have fallen in this category myself a few times. But hey, I was awesome at making coffee (that’s my story and I’m sticking to it).
- The Casanova-This person uses the coffee shop as a place to meet their next significant other or evening partner. When it’s particularly slow, they will attempt to flirt with the baristas. Unfortunately, this person is not a good flirter to begin with, and tends to upset people.
So there you have it, folks! People you are guaranteed to find in a coffee shop! I hope you enjoyed my (hopefully) funny and enjoyable reminiscence on my old barista days.
More from Vrbridge:
I’m the”health” nut. I go to McDonald’s and order french fries and order a diet Coke and order a skinny latte with whipped cream. Go figure.
Haha! Me too! I vary between “health”nut and the ACTUAL health nut depending on how snug my jeans are that day 😀
Well, what can we say ?? Sounds like retail customers everywhere. Want to change that top ten ? Have topless barista serving days or free coffee to topless customer days ! 🙂
Haha! Brilliant idea! I don’t think the baristas will be able to handle all the customers that are bound to suddenly want coffee
I bet the tip jar would be full !!! 🙂
More like exploding!
I’m #2 — I’ll just have a black coffee because I can’t bring myself to say foo-foo words like “frapachino mocha lotta” 🙂
It kills me to say those words! But I have to, not really a black coffee person. I tried to be, I really did
Did you ever see the coffee shop scene of “Zack & Miri Make a Porno”? It’s hysterical.
No, looking it up on youtube now!
Let me know what you think — it may be offensive to some, but I find it pure genius 🙂
hahahaaa! It’s hilarious 😀
Ahh, I knew you’d love it!! The movie is excellent, but nothing quite stands up to that scene — it’s a tough act to follow. Sometimes I just watch that scene over and over 🙂
Why don’t you two post this for the rest of us to see !! 🙂
I am quite glad that I don’t regularly buy coffee from coffee shops, I wonder what category I would fall under, the nearest one would be #2 but I normally (when I do go to coffee shops) ask for a latte and that is always up there so I do use the lingo.
Lattes are the safest things to order. You know what it is and they know what you mean no mater where you go, It’s SAFE.
exactly my thoughts.
Vrbridge,
Hilarious work! I love the fact you tailored your piece to fit Miss Four Eyes’ unique style and rhythm.
Feel free to guest post for me anytime!
The Hook.
I will definitely take you up on that offer!
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Interesting article and true I think. I have spent a lot of time in coffee shops over the last year writing and working, and I have seen all of these people. I do not know where I fit in. 😦 Although I do believe myself to be Fonzie like, I mean who wouldn’t want to be that. Thank you MFE for sharing this wonderful work, another awesome blogger to follow. MFE is a magnet for awesomeness. I do have a habit of thinking so this should be a natural for me. My post yesterday was about thought. 🙂 What a crazy world.
Eep! You called me a magnet for awesomeness! Thank you, Jon! Big hugs!
I always thought I was a magnet for disasters. Never have I been around a glass of water that didn’t tip over. 😛
You would be the Happy Guy. He sits around being happy and making everyone he meets happy!
I’m happy to be a #1 – I like to just go; get my coffee – smile and chat a little with the barista (I go in really early) and go about my day!
You are a barista’s dream!
Wet dream?
Of course 😉
LOL !!! Nice vision to go along with my coffee, think I’ll add some Irish Cream now ! 😉
Hee hee – sorry ….
Laughing……..we always knew coffee was wet, just never thought of it being this dreamy fun……..:-)
coffee is dreamy ~
I love the idea of going into a coffee shop, asking for a cappuccino, coming out with my paper cup and strutting off up the road..Thing is I don’t like coffee 🙂 LOL
Mollie and Alfie
Right? It makes me feel like a ‘somebody’. Problem is, I recently quit coffee 😦
Hmmm! I am #1A — awesome regular! I know their names and they know mine. I give them high ratings on surveys and they give me wonderful drinks. It’s a marriage made in heaven!
Hehe, I like that, the AWESOME regular! More baristas should have customers like you 🙂
Yeah, I tip too!
You guys are great! Thanks so much for the comments!
YOU are great! You’ve done such a fantastic job with this post. Thank you, Rene!
I am a “small cup” person. You go to the counter and they ask you what size do you want? medium or Large?? I always say “small please” We don’t do small – medium or large? So I always ask, how can you have medium if you don’t have small? medium is halfway between small and large. So you do small or large. They won’t have it. So I repeat the point until their unengadged minds eventualy see my point.
I never get a small cup, instead I get a medium size fire bucket full of coffee with no room for milk.
Haha! This has happened to me too. Why would they have a medium if they don’t have a small?! What is happening to the world?!
I’m number 2, whatever happened to small, medium and large. Tall, Grande and Venti? Tall is large to me, Grande is also large and Venti is 20 which is more than 10 and that’s large.
Nice post
This is why I order a regular. I don’t know how big a regular is, but every coffee shop has a regular size. The difference between any of the other sizes escapes me 😛
Haha, great post. I frequented enough Cafes to recognize a good number of these characters. I guess I’m somewhere between the Cool Guy and Casanova, yeah pretty awesome lol >.<
I don't like the Impatient customer, anyone who is rude or impatient with baristas or waitresses is an instant idiot in my book!
Thanks for sharing, and thanks to MFE for having you over 🙂
Rohan.
Woohoo! Go Casanova!
So with you on that. It disgusts me when they act like that.
She’s wonderful, isn’t she?! 🙂
Yup I’m the guy flirting awkwardly with everyone…
Ah, there’s justification for it. People shouldn’t be judged by how they treat those they want something from, they should be judged by how they treat waitresses/waiters and baristas!
Heck yeah, she’s a great find 🙂
Rohan.
You forgot the solitary writer in the corner who uses the cafe to be around people because it’s the closest thing to a social life that person has all day.
And the free WiFi.
I love free WiFi! The next best thing being free cookies.
Free cookies? Where?
I like those guys. They’re so normal compared to everyone else
They’re glad to hear that.
Ha! I’m not a coffee drinker, but sometimes ill be a good girlfriend and pick one up for my boyfriend (or I’ll succumb to a hot chocolate craving.) I think we need to add “the perpetually uncomfortable outsider that doesn’t know how to order and makes everyone else in line angry.”
Haha! I’m that person! Every time you accidentally say ‘um…’ everyone in the line groans. I can feel them judging my coffee illiteracy.
Yes! Like, I’m sorry, I feel like a total moron saying the word “venti.” IT’S A LARGE.
Ha! Loved it. I’m the regular, as I love my coffee. But, while I’m there chatting up my hosts, I do enjoy watching the 9 others you listed!
People watching in coffee shops is fun!
Could be very similar to “the people you meet in bars!”
Now that you mention it, that’s so true 😀
This is fantastic. I go to a coffee shop almost every day. I have seen all these people.
Aren’t they fun?
Yes, and I feel relieved that according to this list I am “The Regular.” It definitely seems the least offensive.
The regular is the best 🙂
While I’ve never believed that about myself it is good to see that at least in this one area of my life I really am… the best.
I hate to admit this, but I’m the “health” nut. It makes me feel better lying to myself.
I understand, I go from “health”nut to the ACTUAL health nut and back again within seconds
Thank you for the supportive comments! I loved all of our customers when I worked in the coffee business. Every character brought a new story each day :-).
Sounds like so much fun!
What a great list! I straddle two of these categories, I think: I’m the semi-regular who says “Medium” instead of “Grande.”
I don’t understand the differences between the sizes. They all sound like large to me! Grande means large, venti is large. But there is no small!
Tall is small, Grande is medium and Venti is large.
And I ignore it all!
I definitely the “regular” at the local Starbucks. They know me by name and since I’m the only one who ever gets drip coffee (this is Korea) they sometimes just start the machine when they see me.
Just curious: do you live in California. My cousin lives in California and he always has such interesting stories about the weird people he sees in coffee shops. Here, it’s usually groups of women or couples on dates, ignoring each other to play with their phones.
That is so sweet. I love when the store knows exactly who you are and what you’ll need.
I’ll have to ask Vrbridge if she’s from California, they do have some crazy stories 🙂
The Casanova – love it…
Bet you’re him, huh? 😉
Damn straight, but generally more the staff than the customers (got a thing for women who feed me)
I like to approach the barista, fix her with an intense and seductive gaze and say something smooth and laid back like “So tell me, do you come here often?”
Hehe, love it. I’m guessing you would be the Successful Casanova
Being a former coffee bar owner, I am remembering faces for each number!!! And yes, I too sometimes am #9….:)
Bet you had so much fun owning a coffee bar! You’ve earned the right to be a proud #9 😀
Oh, it was tons of fun…and tons of horror too!! LOL….I try my best to only remember the fun! 😉
I’m the one who won’t use the coffee lingo. It’s not a tall, it’s a small cup. I’m just going to call it a small, mmmkay? I also identify with the former employee one. I used to work at a public library. Now when I go back, I want to grab the scanner from their hands because yes I can do it way faster and better so let’s just give it here and I’ll be on my way, kthanxbai.
Come to think of it, you see some of those coffee drinkers at libraries too – and most libraries now have coffee shops because God forbid someone read without a drink! 😀 Great post. And yes, very funny.
Haha! No, God forbid! Maybe it’s because they don’t want anyone to fall asleep while they read 50 shades of Grey 😀
Great work vrbridge! My favorite is #5 the “health” nut. I saw this happen just the other day and I was like, “who are you kidding?” Apparently themselves. It’s like the mom at my daughter’s daycare who, day after day, stands inside pontificating to all who will listen about organic eating and her all-natural home life while her car idles outside, pouring toxic fumes into the air. Just makes me shake my head.
She’s pretty awesome, huh?
Haha! That mom is hilarious. All those “health” nuts are.
I always get the “oh honey” look on my face when dealing with that type of person, especially if it’s a topic I know a lot about (such as the calorie/fat content of each drink). Healthy living requires a lot of change that people don’t even think about. I’m sure we’ve all been there!
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I frequent a coffee shop (well café really) and I met someone in there. When I left primary school (1978) I lost contact with a friend. Apparently I told my mother that I was going to marry this girl. I hadn’t told her though. Then over the years, I kept going past her house on the bus and every time contemplated knocking on her door to find out if she still lived there. Last year, I was in this café, and this woman says to me “are you Alastair? It’s me .. Sally”. She’s the girl I lost contact with in 1978. She recognised me 34 years later
Aww, that is one special story 🙂
It was completely unexpected. We keep in touch now 🙂
I am the 2 and 3. Impatient because I want my caffeine and I want it right then and no 3 because I can never understand the types of coffee they sell. I am the black coffee one milk kind of girl:)))
The coffee lingo never ceases to confuse me. Just when I think I’ve finally got it right, something new comes up. I wish I could be a black coffee one milk kind of girl, ordering would be so much easier!
Haha. Try being the barista constantly having to learn what the new lingo is, and then “shamelessly” using it.
Oh no! I never thought about that. I feel for you
Two friends of mine used to work at a Burger King and a McDonalds. All the customers they described pretty much fit the above list. Especially ‘the health nut’, you know: the extremely obese person that orders 3 large menu’s with an XXL cola >>> LIGHT <<< on the side.
Haha. Maybe they’re trying to balance it out or something?
Yes, because three double whoppers and three large fries is perfectly outbalanced by a cola light. Not to forget, a LARGE Cola light.
Exactly! See, you get it too 😀
ciao! you made me smile.
thebestdressup
She’s the best! 🙂
I used to frequent coffee shops a lot back in the day. I wonder which guy I was then.
I miss going into coffee shops and meeting and talking with random people. Those talks seemed so much better than what I get as regular conversations now. I can’t remember the last time I had a really good chat with someone.
…unfortunate.
I don’t know what to say. I understand how you feel, real conversations are hard to have.
Here’s a conversation… Although I see the appeal of the mousepad… I don’t want a mouse pad… and I don’t know if it is one or two words… but I do want the same thing in a T-Shirt… just so you know.
Do you really? Stella is making t-shirts too 😀
Can I pay for one yet? … because I really want one. You know how my generation loves the t-shirts with snark.
I just emailed Stella. I’ll let you know as soon as possible!
Unless you’re kidding about this, in which case I did not get that. *facepalm*
No, I really want one.
Oh good! Stella said that she’d make a sample shirt and send me the pictures. I’ll blog about them with all the details about how you can get one as soon as she’s done 🙂
With baited breath I await your call.
mmmn.. let’s see.. i’m number 5 and my boyfriend’s number 6! ^^
Haha, aww, I bet you guys make the cutest couple 🙂
Love the article. You will be amaze when you see all those categories when you spend your time in a coffee shop just for one hour 🙂
Ha! I’ve definitely seen most of them, can’t wait to see them all together
I’m not a regular coffee shop person anymore, as I don’t drink coffee regularly (now, I save it for once or twice a month and am happy to say, I actually get really high from caffeine now).
I still frequent coffee shops for a non coffee person. Why?
They are MAGICAL playgrounds for random acts of kindness. I walk through my local drive through coffee stand and pay for someone’s drink behind me. I leave love notes, with small cash prizes scattered about. Or, if there were homeless people outside, I would surprise them with lattes… Grocery stores are good for this too…but I think coffee shops are the BEST place to spread love.
Your post very much reminded me of a coffee shop I frequented in Santa Monica. All of the descriptions you listed could have been spotted easily during my morning people watching. 🙂
I’d forgotten how funny I used to be.
Hi there! You are and always will be very very funny, Rene